oh another more personal note ... right now i am very drawn to the idea of peeling off the white bits off my left eye and slicing up the layers of skin on the palms of my hands as well as the soles of my feet into tiny little paper thin peices and then jamming them all into a bucket full of dry ice!!

daymn i hate allergies! Damn them!!
Damn them all i say!!! >:(

just saw spanglish ...and some of the scenes ... little things ..stayed... like when he's standing next to her and has his arm around and say something like "right now my hand is the only part of my body thats sane. the rest of me wants to jump off a bridge". it just fits. so well.

Some mornings I get a sinking burning feeling deep down in my gut. When I leave the house on those days all I can think of is making my way back under my warm covers to somehow will the feeling and the "impending doom" away.

the world
were it
flipped,
tilted over
on to a side.
and
everyone
scattered,
far
into the night

hanging on
to
stars
as thier guides,
i believe,
you
and
i,
would find
another way.
were it
even
if it were
on
another day

we'd make our way
back.
to lives,
meant to be.
life.
as it were/(is)
for you
and
for me.

urghh ...shitness at the pit of my stomach!! no matter how hard i try to be happy absorbing myself in mindless distractions ...it keeps coming back. "you live in a world of your own"... this disdainful comment in an msn msg this morning... discerned im assuming from my msn nick! well you know what if i want to! what if i want to stick my head in the sand and pretend all this shit is just not happening!! its not for forever obviously but just till i can.... i mean fuck i dont have a whole lot of time to myself now and if i want to enjoy these days and not kill myself w/ depression over something that i can not do anything about and believe me iv tried then what!!!?!... serious what the fuck. what can i do from here anyway?! what?!.
is it wrong that iv accepted already ... that my way of dealing with this now is ..well ok this is it ... and im not a freaking flipping out emotional wreck about it anymore (ie to the extent i was) ... fuck i hate this shit!!! i hate such comments! and i feel like a bitch for wanting to shout out well fuck you for having a problem with the fact that half way across the world my nicks seem to suggest i might be having a little bit of fun and a little bit of stress and a little bit of everything that has nothing to do w/ you and your problems!! fuck!!

uff what intiha of bumnessity

....so i think its quite safe to say that i really havent written/painted/done/said anything at all really worth reading/painting/doing/hearing in quite sometime now ... and the ultimate bumness of it all is that im quite content! heh ..or maybe thats the reasonness of it all... :p

so0o walking or rather dashing into work at 9:01 am obviously already groggy as hell i was greeted by the song!! the simple plan song!! the reeeeeeally reeeeeallly bad killmenowplease one! the one that makes me want to meet the band just so i can repeatedly stab each one of them with a reallysharpreallyhardreallyrustedreallyblunt object!! .... urghhh! "how could this happen to me"?? seriously you write such shitty 'rondoo'tothecore songs and and your still asking that question!! ... so0o yea after having to sit through THAT 1st thing in the morning and it only figures that the rest of the work day wasnt as a thursdayworkday should have been....
they should ban such song i mean come on!! what a dhabba!
and that radio station!!! the one they INSIST on listening to each and every single day after day after day after friggin day INSISTS on playing the same daymnsaddaymn songsss every three hours!!! killmepleasenow! so get this ... even though i ran home and tried to therapize myself with an hour or so of decent listening music my maochisticasfuck brain picks out all the crappiest of the crap songs (that iv been bitching out all week) and now theyre stuckspinningstuck inside my head! on repeat!! ONLY the shit ones! ONLY! (i can so0o see God having such a laugh right about now!)
o0h well .... if thats what it takes to keep Him happy and the weather this beautiful! well then my wonky brain at His service!!!
but yea so0o incase i havnt shouted it out enough alreadyyy : I LOVE SUMMER!!!! :) :) :)
*ahhhhh ~ sigh of contentment*

how do people do this? this!! this fucking mess!
what do you do when youre thrown into a corner. fucking cornered! then what?! how do you get out when youre between a rock and a hard place ... a fucking stubborn rock and an equally so hard place!! you get this far and you realize exactly the extent of the fuckedupness of it all ... no one is ok...no one is fine ...no one is coping well .. theyr fucking managing to barely scrape by with thier sanity in tact and that too just barely!

..too too tired of this .... will post later ...

it wasnt his fault. he was plucked. out of his own life. and placed there. placed by a force. unseen. Large.
or was it?
A gust of wind it was.
perhaps....or maybe it was just a puff..?
small then? inconsequential....?

muttering after the lights went out.....

choking on the words. (half-words).
lodged
at the back of your throat
SPEAK! Now!Spit it Out.
Bring them up to the surface and feel them crumble at the sight of air.
or Then again.
Breathe them back in. Quick! NOW! Its the only place they will be safe.You
will be safe.

=========

rub out those lines. scratch them.... the lines. on hands. start over
if you it be possible. rewrite. and what could/would it be? Another face or anothers'. your own.... smudged. erased. Someone else's
insecurities. would they be. real. as real as your own wrapped up delusions.

Each
part

pulsates

Each particle
In sync
with...

the Wisps
of
smoke
Play

around
eyes

the mouth


savours

weightlessness

touching
Each

part

i write sometimes. sometimes. to my self. mostly to others. it seems that the words that need to be let out need that only when there's something in the way. in the way of perfect cloud filled skies. sitting back with colours swirling around me whirling smiles from all directions. And yet it seems indispensable every so often that i need to come back to this little corner towards the other side of the scenic route.. to reboot or something or the other.. sink a little... to fully revel in the pleasure of swelling back to full mast. i enjoy now draping myself with a little touch of dark. not really real ofcourse. obscure sometimes. But there.
with reason. reason fucking unreasonable. how strange. strange. Just strange how. the world brings about such shifts and takes such turns. places you only to be replaced. deal with the real deal once in a while it was before. now it's the entire show. that's it. THIS is it.
its what its going to be like from now. onto the end of never. one after the other. "A series of unfortunate events" still to be seen. placed against the odds and told to make it through the pile of shit and come out clean on the other side. that was a phenomenal film. But no. he was the only man to have accomplished such a twisted task. that’s how the line goes anyway "the ONLY man i know who crawled through 500 yards of shit and came out clean on the other side".
What the fuck is the point. What?:
What!?! of any of this.. "LIFE, n : the whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"
urghhh.....what a place. what a script.
real. real life as it gets. realer each day. realer.. yea heh that’s not even a word..but you get the point. Fucking brilliant!

the dye
cast
clung
to her skin
staining it
deep
a scarlet red

picking at her
pores
goose bumps
on flesh
velvety
soft

pressed
up
against the wall
breathing strained
inhale. exhale. (inhale again)

with in confines
these spaces
(could she have been)
someone else
anyone
in this time this place

this surface
stark
plush
red raw red (today)


==============


will this flight of fancy be all then?

Ye jo halka halka suroor hai - Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan

.

words of days

in a day
that took away
the misconceptions that
breathe down your neck
that dictate the directions
in which you may breathe

in that day
i realized
a number of things
seven
maybe 17

"Tango is much more than a bunch of steps; tango is a way to communicate using
your body, tango is an embrace for three minutes and tango is the dance of
expression with infinite emotions." -- Fernanda Ghi and Guillermo Merlo

'First We Dance' by Bill Brauer .....

...what an appropriate title... if i had it my way ... thats what it would be all about ... this entire charade ..an elaborate dance (well considering that is what it is figurativly afterall) but no ..in my world thats what it would be literally .... All about the Dance.
You start with a dance ...and just keep dancing!!

dancing smiling dancing a world of happiness drumbeats music rhythms and more smiles no confusions no delusions nothing but the music leading your body leading you. aah bliss...

whats in a list

exhausted!! ...seems to be the norm lately ....
night of craziness when leaving... craziness again coming back.... strange sort of symmetry life has... things go round in circles. round and round. round again. i dont know if they come back to square one nessesarily or just spiral in some wayward direction or the other....
cant think much right now ... everything seems to be going in slow motion ... what else can i do but play this perpetual fucking dodge the ball and smile the whole way through ...because honestly what else is there to do.

smile
la camisa negra is playing on the tv in the background ... that makes me smile...

i was thinking about it today (while looking at the clouds ofcourse).... getting through things through everything that life flings at you. and i thought about "things that make me happy"... that make me smile. thats all its about afterall. its how i'll ever get through this. this everything and the everything that will follow...
and i was thinking wouldnt it be great if we could list the things.. round them up nicely making sure not to spill them all over the place ofcourse and keep them in a box ... all to our selves... at our disposal ...to open up the box at any time at all and smile ....as needed.
that would be nice.

:) made me think of the raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens song ... hehheh .... i wonder if people already have such lists and boxes and if they manage to pull from them what they need ...as needed...