Monday, February 28, 2005
I NEED to....
Be studying for my frnch exam tomm. start applying for summer internships. write my rhet comm paper. clean my apt. make actual attempts to lose this weight. straighten my hair for tomm. Make lots of money. Buy myself a sunny island with that money. get on with my life. look into real carreer prospects. make a 5yr plan...sorta. Get off this daym site and go study frnch for my exam tomm!! daymnit.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
comments and replies
o0k so0o my coments and replies are becoming full blown discussions so0o decided to post them on my blog....
tree elf:
this isnt abt a "new world view"!! this is how it is! ...deal w/ it darling.
1)I so0o dont belive in this "oh its guys nature" crap ..i mean seriously if the history of humans or evolution has taught us anything is that humans have the capacity to adapt and evolve ....so0o quit w/ the lame excuses and start evolving already.
2)You might need us. But it takes 2 to tango ...like i said ...woman was not made to be slave to all that man is too lazy to do! Good kids are raised by good parents!! parentS not mothers ....i know far too many messed up kids w/ amazing mothers and not so amazing fathers to belive that this is a one person job.
3)God ordered us to cover up NOT to stay out of the work place... theres a big difference ...and therefore not even relevent.
meyum:
i agree w/ you ....to an extent I do blame women for the state of our men. This bullshit male chauvenistic (esp. pakistani-lazy-ass-need-a-woman-to-take-care-of-them-etc-type mentality is something that only women can irradicate ...it has nothing to do w/ the nature of men and everything to do with upbringing. It is for mothers (and fathers) to instill in their sons an inherent respect for women and lessons on treating women as equals and only then can we possibly one day actually be proud of the "men of this nation" till then we have a longggg way to go....
tree elf:
this isnt abt a "new world view"!! this is how it is! ...deal w/ it darling.
1)I so0o dont belive in this "oh its guys nature" crap ..i mean seriously if the history of humans or evolution has taught us anything is that humans have the capacity to adapt and evolve ....so0o quit w/ the lame excuses and start evolving already.
2)You might need us. But it takes 2 to tango ...like i said ...woman was not made to be slave to all that man is too lazy to do! Good kids are raised by good parents!! parentS not mothers ....i know far too many messed up kids w/ amazing mothers and not so amazing fathers to belive that this is a one person job.
3)God ordered us to cover up NOT to stay out of the work place... theres a big difference ...and therefore not even relevent.
meyum:
i agree w/ you ....to an extent I do blame women for the state of our men. This bullshit male chauvenistic (esp. pakistani-lazy-ass-need-a-woman-to-take-care-of-them-etc-type mentality is something that only women can irradicate ...it has nothing to do w/ the nature of men and everything to do with upbringing. It is for mothers (and fathers) to instill in their sons an inherent respect for women and lessons on treating women as equals and only then can we possibly one day actually be proud of the "men of this nation" till then we have a longggg way to go....
Friday, February 25, 2005
replying to tree-elf...
...this is how I see it. For all of history, woman has been at the beck and call of man doing his every bidding and bending over backwards for his every whim and fancy ...afterall thats what was expected of her.... the obedient daughter to her father, good sister to her brother, dutiful wife to her husband, nurturing mother to her son and so on. Times fortunatly are changing...well to an extent....and here comes the point where woman stops reflects and thnks 'hey waitamin theres someone else here who also needs to be nurtured taken care of and made happy; woman herself. (and men ofcourse are like wtf mate? ...(sorry couldnt resist) So heres the thng where woman has evolved and taken all those life lessons with her learning to juggle career, family, money, religion, society, spirituality..the list just keeps going... man on the other hand is still stuck in a place where he doesnt understand why things are changing and why on earth he should have to make comprimisies. Now for all u males out there .... im am in no way attacking you...like i said in my earlier post: guys have it tough dealing w/ women. they do.
See heres the difference ..guys have the ability to compartmentalize their life. Theres the job/career box, family life/wife box, and other interests box...one rarely ever bleeding into another. Afterall no one has ever told a man that he has to choose between having a family and a career ... that would just be aburd. And thats a great way to live...hell if i could thats how i would want it. But I cant. Because thats not how thing are for me. I have to include my family life in every aspect of my life and for that and all the new avenues of my lifes. I need a partner who is now willing to share a life with me...not put me in a compartment of his life, bring home the bacon and thnk hes done his duty. Its more then that. Its not a game in anyway whatsoever and I pity the people who treat it like it is. For most women that I know ...its not callousness (well sometimes it is) but for others its about loving and giving so much to a relationship and not getting what you deserve in return. So the dilema is not to "be alone or to be with a guy you don't like" its to stay with the guy you love so much or to take care of ur own needs. See for a man to thnk woman's expectaions now a days are crazy is reasonable but when he was at the recieving end he was never happier.
...this is how I see it. For all of history, woman has been at the beck and call of man doing his every bidding and bending over backwards for his every whim and fancy ...afterall thats what was expected of her.... the obedient daughter to her father, good sister to her brother, dutiful wife to her husband, nurturing mother to her son and so on. Times fortunatly are changing...well to an extent....and here comes the point where woman stops reflects and thnks 'hey waitamin theres someone else here who also needs to be nurtured taken care of and made happy; woman herself. (and men ofcourse are like wtf mate? ...(sorry couldnt resist) So heres the thng where woman has evolved and taken all those life lessons with her learning to juggle career, family, money, religion, society, spirituality..the list just keeps going... man on the other hand is still stuck in a place where he doesnt understand why things are changing and why on earth he should have to make comprimisies. Now for all u males out there .... im am in no way attacking you...like i said in my earlier post: guys have it tough dealing w/ women. they do.
See heres the difference ..guys have the ability to compartmentalize their life. Theres the job/career box, family life/wife box, and other interests box...one rarely ever bleeding into another. Afterall no one has ever told a man that he has to choose between having a family and a career ... that would just be aburd. And thats a great way to live...hell if i could thats how i would want it. But I cant. Because thats not how thing are for me. I have to include my family life in every aspect of my life and for that and all the new avenues of my lifes. I need a partner who is now willing to share a life with me...not put me in a compartment of his life, bring home the bacon and thnk hes done his duty. Its more then that. Its not a game in anyway whatsoever and I pity the people who treat it like it is. For most women that I know ...its not callousness (well sometimes it is) but for others its about loving and giving so much to a relationship and not getting what you deserve in return. So the dilema is not to "be alone or to be with a guy you don't like" its to stay with the guy you love so much or to take care of ur own needs. See for a man to thnk woman's expectaions now a days are crazy is reasonable but when he was at the recieving end he was never happier.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
God I feel like hell tonight....
Tonight we all decided it was Mckibbins again for drinks. We sat talked and listened to the band...the singer was belting out "Strong Enough to be My Man" and it occured to me...guys really do have it tough! Girls today ...we want it all! And there are truely very few guys out there who can really foot the bill. And that just leaves so many girls out there in relationships they arnt completly happy in, trying desprately to somehow make it work.
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave
Ed sat next to me bobbing his head to the music...he was just let out of a 4 yr relationship and didnt even see the end coming. Shes with someone else now and i wonder how happy she really is ...she says she is ..but then again don't we all.
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
this is my 4th year ....4 years and im happy most weeks.. some weeks im not. Is there such a thing as a perfect relationship? the perfect guy? Right now it feels like such a myth. All bullcrap
to put on a show of perfection for the rest of the wrld to in awe of. Im in a very cynical indifferent place right now. He doesnt belive I hav any reason to be this way....im sure he's right
When I've shown you That I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man....
But then again
nothing's true, and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Lie to me, I promise I'll believe
Lie to me, but please don't leave
Ed sat next to me bobbing his head to the music...he was just let out of a 4 yr relationship and didnt even see the end coming. Shes with someone else now and i wonder how happy she really is ...she says she is ..but then again don't we all.
I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
Just try and love me if you can
this is my 4th year ....4 years and im happy most weeks.. some weeks im not. Is there such a thing as a perfect relationship? the perfect guy? Right now it feels like such a myth. All bullcrap
to put on a show of perfection for the rest of the wrld to in awe of. Im in a very cynical indifferent place right now. He doesnt belive I hav any reason to be this way....im sure he's right
When I've shown you That I just don't care
When I'm throwing punches in the air
When I'm broken down and I can't stand
Would you be man enough to be my man....
But then again
nothing's true, and nothing's right
So let me be alone tonight
'Cause you can't change the way I am
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Monday, February 21, 2005
go not go go not go!!! urghh its 9:56 monday morning (i hate monday) i am supposed to be at french class in abt 4 mins ...hmmm go not go go not .... decisions decisions .... i reeeeeally dont want to go!!! but i should!! but i dont wanna ...and if i go ill get there half hr later ..which wont really make a difference .....i can go bac to bed but prob wont sleepp .... the crazy snow outsides scaring me! actually theyr pretty flurries ..but huge ones ...urgh movie title *attack of the flurries* hahahahha hmmmm i thnk i came online to see what temp it i outside ..i totally forgot abt that...holy shit it really does look like theyr comjing at me from the window!!! o well theyv changed directions now hahah now theyr going back upwards ...thats just messed up ///fuck this im back to bed!!
Saturday, February 19, 2005
relate this!
so0o i was quite happy and sorta flattered that my list was so0o well appreciated but it kinda irritated me that everyone related to it so easily...justa smidgen ofcourse . i mean i Am unique arnt i ...
"Always remember youre unique- just like everyone else" -Alison Boutler .... but no no0o wait i am! i really am i tell you!!! so0o o0k yea to prove myself i decided a new counterclaiming list was in order to prove my self proclaimed uniqueicity!! s0o there!
1. I truely belive that I was Spanish in a past life
2. Out of sheer boredom one day ...i rolled up one leg of my pjs put on a pink sparkly bandana, made my finger into a hook and went around saying "arrrrrrrr maiteee!!!"..."arrrr arrrr" (imbz and my brother thought they had lost me for good!)
3. My ancestral stories are waaayyy cooler then urs
4. On my standing lamp I have a paper butterfly and I have positioned a tiny stuffed dogg right over it soo0o it looks like the doggie is sniffing the butterfly suspended in mid air....hhehe still cracks me up ...you haveto see it
5. So I felt one day that my life was boring and decided to invent an alternative life for myself as Satinka (which means magical dancer) and basically im a princess who lives on a beautiful sunny island surrounded by a harem of beautiful men at my beck and call! o0h what a life it was! All my friends were jealous that I was out sun bathing while they were stuck in miserable cold mtl!
6. I danced a Kathak solo infront of an audience of over 700 people in Toronoto after only 2 weeks of hardcore practice and not really knowing kathak before that as such...i was really good
7. I used to make amazinggggg cheesecakes as a kid but now that im grown up i refuse to enter the kitchen on principle
8. As a kid I watched Return to Oz a crazy number of times but only to a certain point after that I would get shit scared and put the movie off
9. Last halloween I dressed up as a FairyTale. I had wings and a tail and everything...you know i was a fairy ....w/ a tail :D
10. I am so0o0o coldblooded its not even funny (like in the animal way NOT the bitch way)...basically according to what temp it is around me my body gets either freezing of boiling ...like all good coldblooded animals ofcourse i cant feel it but anyone else who come into contact w/ me does.
11. I used to think this was because I used to a dragon in some life! I like dragons
12. 1/4th punjabi 1/4th meerutian (i dont thnk thats a wrd) 1/4th British 1/8th bengali 1/8th Irish and 1/8th French.... Makes one whole Pakistani :)
13. I am louder then the average person. Daymn I can be louder then the average loud person
14. I like saying NO! just NO! ....ques: how did you like the movie? ans: NO!!
15. It has been said about me "----- went to a party once, sat on a swing and screamed "weeeeeeeeeeee" while swinging back and forth the entire night! =P "
"Always remember youre unique- just like everyone else" -Alison Boutler .... but no no0o wait i am! i really am i tell you!!! so0o o0k yea to prove myself i decided a new counterclaiming list was in order to prove my self proclaimed uniqueicity!! s0o there!
1. I truely belive that I was Spanish in a past life
2. Out of sheer boredom one day ...i rolled up one leg of my pjs put on a pink sparkly bandana, made my finger into a hook and went around saying "arrrrrrrr maiteee!!!"..."arrrr arrrr" (imbz and my brother thought they had lost me for good!)
3. My ancestral stories are waaayyy cooler then urs
4. On my standing lamp I have a paper butterfly and I have positioned a tiny stuffed dogg right over it soo0o it looks like the doggie is sniffing the butterfly suspended in mid air....hhehe still cracks me up ...you haveto see it
5. So I felt one day that my life was boring and decided to invent an alternative life for myself as Satinka (which means magical dancer) and basically im a princess who lives on a beautiful sunny island surrounded by a harem of beautiful men at my beck and call! o0h what a life it was! All my friends were jealous that I was out sun bathing while they were stuck in miserable cold mtl!
6. I danced a Kathak solo infront of an audience of over 700 people in Toronoto after only 2 weeks of hardcore practice and not really knowing kathak before that as such...i was really good
7. I used to make amazinggggg cheesecakes as a kid but now that im grown up i refuse to enter the kitchen on principle
8. As a kid I watched Return to Oz a crazy number of times but only to a certain point after that I would get shit scared and put the movie off
9. Last halloween I dressed up as a FairyTale. I had wings and a tail and everything...you know i was a fairy ....w/ a tail :D
10. I am so0o0o coldblooded its not even funny (like in the animal way NOT the bitch way)...basically according to what temp it is around me my body gets either freezing of boiling ...like all good coldblooded animals ofcourse i cant feel it but anyone else who come into contact w/ me does.
11. I used to think this was because I used to a dragon in some life! I like dragons
12. 1/4th punjabi 1/4th meerutian (i dont thnk thats a wrd) 1/4th British 1/8th bengali 1/8th Irish and 1/8th French.... Makes one whole Pakistani :)
13. I am louder then the average person. Daymn I can be louder then the average loud person
14. I like saying NO! just NO! ....ques: how did you like the movie? ans: NO!!
15. It has been said about me "----- went to a party once, sat on a swing and screamed "weeeeeeeeeeee" while swinging back and forth the entire night! =P "
Friday, February 18, 2005
hiver
12 pm : Flurries and the beautiful white sheets of snow over everything are the only retribution winter has to offer.....
6 pm: Fuck flurries fuck snow!!! its fuckingggg frigging freeeeeeezing!!! *brrrrrr*
6 pm: Fuck flurries fuck snow!!! its fuckingggg frigging freeeeeeezing!!! *brrrrrr*
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
its times like these
so0o0o confession time: my new fav song for the week is Candy Shop!!! hahha this so0ng is so0o0o effing naasty but i cant help but be obssessd with it!! just something abt the ganda mela way 50 sings it hehheh ..."whoaa!" Last night when we went for a movie Fry and I were belting out the song on the street and going hysterical while V and Z looked like they wanted to die!! hahahha...now rant time: Trust the one night that I had a paper to do one of most fun nights iv had in a while!! ...and i had to leave for my sto0pid paper ..urghh AND THE MOST INFURIATING BIT!!! i stay up till 4:30 completing the daymn paper ...set my alarm to get up in 3 1/2 hrs ...AND my alarm doesnt go off!!! now i havto hand in my paper tomm ...all thats work for nothing i mean serious WTF MATE!!!?!?!? *urghhhh* *double urgh*
and now CELEBRATION time: FRNI JUST GOT BAAT PAKIOFIEDD!!! im so0o happy for her ..i mean ofcourse i totally saw it coming ... but its just so0o freaky shes only know the guy for a week met him 2wice..and thats it ..she says 'she knows'...and i belive her ....ofcourse she is scared ..who wouldnt be .... but its co0l ....im reaaallly really happy for ..i wish i was there w/ her for this escitement ...wev been trying to get thru to one another all moring but couldnt get thru so0o finally i had to make do w/ msn....
on the other hand "another one bites the dust"....urghhh...i cant belive it are we really that old already ...cuz if we are how and when the fuck did that happen?!?!?!
confession#2 well not to spoil my image or anything....i have become a little more accepting of the marriage idea ...i mean everyone around me is so0o doesnt give me much of a choice .... but seriously is it the only thing left to do w/ our lives now ........o0k i really dont hav the energy to go into it now so0o ill save my marriage rant for another day!
today is Frnii's day!!!! CONGRATULTIONS BABE! *MUAAA*
and now CELEBRATION time: FRNI JUST GOT BAAT PAKIOFIEDD!!! im so0o happy for her ..i mean ofcourse i totally saw it coming ... but its just so0o freaky shes only know the guy for a week met him 2wice..and thats it ..she says 'she knows'...and i belive her ....ofcourse she is scared ..who wouldnt be .... but its co0l ....im reaaallly really happy for ..i wish i was there w/ her for this escitement ...wev been trying to get thru to one another all moring but couldnt get thru so0o finally i had to make do w/ msn....
on the other hand "another one bites the dust"....urghhh...i cant belive it are we really that old already ...cuz if we are how and when the fuck did that happen?!?!?!
confession#2 well not to spoil my image or anything....i have become a little more accepting of the marriage idea ...i mean everyone around me is so0o doesnt give me much of a choice .... but seriously is it the only thing left to do w/ our lives now ........o0k i really dont hav the energy to go into it now so0o ill save my marriage rant for another day!
today is Frnii's day!!!! CONGRATULTIONS BABE! *MUAAA*
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
just a smell
the strangest thing ...I walked into Limitee today right on main St. Catherine street and as soon as i entered the store I was struck by a strong smell ...and I havnt the faintest idea how to describe it excpt that it reminded me of a room at the back of my khala's old house in Lahore...I think the room was supposed to be the drawing room or something but like all big houses where the lounge becomes the center of all activity itwas usually closed up....
The thing is that I have randomly smelt places, rooms and closets that smelt like Lahore to me (dont ask ...i just do. n whats stranger is that iv only ever vacationed in lhr) ...but for a smell to smell distinctly like a specific room ...thats the first time thats ever happened....
It was just so0o wierd ...and random as hell...nice but random...
I just walked around the store for a while just taking in the smell and reminscing that old room at the back of my khalas house...no memories as such ...just the smell.
The thing is that I have randomly smelt places, rooms and closets that smelt like Lahore to me (dont ask ...i just do. n whats stranger is that iv only ever vacationed in lhr) ...but for a smell to smell distinctly like a specific room ...thats the first time thats ever happened....
It was just so0o wierd ...and random as hell...nice but random...
I just walked around the store for a while just taking in the smell and reminscing that old room at the back of my khalas house...no memories as such ...just the smell.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
"I am the lizard king I can do ANYTHING"
1.my weight is a constant issue even tho im not really motivated enough to do anything about it
2.the fact-retaining part of my brain is considerably smaller then the sensory part of my brain
3.i respond extremely well to colours
4.the right music can make me go weak at the knees and feel all mushy inside
5.i am a libra in many ways
6.I have been "happy" for the better part of my life
7.I love a good photograph and am constant seeking to capture that perfect picture myself
8.i feel the same way about a good movie
9.i am a bad speeler and typist(urgh see what i mean .... Unfortunately i didnt do that on purpose)
10.I am more fragile then i appear
11.i am stronger then i give myself credit for
12.I don't know how to pick up/lift animals
13.i get very upset when I see my friends abusing drugs and not living up to their potential
14.I strongly believe that every great filmmaker or photographer must have done or should do shrooms at least once in their lives
15.i still have not come to terms with death (others not my own)
16.I wish I was a couple of inches taller...5 '9 would be the perfect height
17.im trying to learn french but for the most part, je ne comprend pas
18.I dont believe in peer pressure
19.i lurrrveee sunflowers
20.i hate acquaintances and making small talk
21.I am fiercely loyal to all my friends
22.i am stubborn and love to argue for the sake of arguing
23.On any given night I need my 11 hours of sleep ... i have been known to sleep for 19
24.I wish I could carry a tune
25.The maliciousness and hatred in the world used to shock me.... it still severely disturbed by it but i guess im more used to it now
26.I can be brought to tears very easily
27.Most of my friends dont know this about me
28.My right eye is lazy
29.Ice cream ~ strawberrycheesecake used to be my picker-upper...on most days it still is
30.Nothing beats the thrill of rollercoasters and water park rides are as good as it gets
31.I cannot live without sunshine... khi-winter-sun is perfection
32.I have very little patience for dependence and clingyness
33.I hate hypocrites and bullies
34.Life is incomplete without pictures...memory only serves me so far
35.This kind of thing i have the time in the world for, but actual work ill procrastinate till the day after never
36. People used to mistake my bestfrnd and me for twins
37.I enjoy a good corny joke
38.Dancing is like therapy for me! i once danced for 9 hours at a stretch(no drugs were involved)
39.I am always ready to help a frnd
40.I thnk everything/one has the potential to be amazing if only given a chance
41.Labels bother me
42.I want to do great things in life
43.I know that I will have to start believing in myself in order to accomplish them
44.I love the colour orange....it makes me happy
45.I am an idealist and am often dissapointed by people
46.As much as i enjoyed growing up, being a grownup sucks
47.over the last few years I have sobered down and loosened up at the same time
48.I am grateful for everything and one in my life. Life has been very good to me
49.I belive in God
50.There is nothing more i truely want from my life other then health and happiness for myself and everyone I love
51.I have yet to really find my calling in life
52.Making this list was a fun way to waste some time
2.the fact-retaining part of my brain is considerably smaller then the sensory part of my brain
3.i respond extremely well to colours
4.the right music can make me go weak at the knees and feel all mushy inside
5.i am a libra in many ways
6.I have been "happy" for the better part of my life
7.I love a good photograph and am constant seeking to capture that perfect picture myself
8.i feel the same way about a good movie
9.i am a bad speeler and typist(urgh see what i mean .... Unfortunately i didnt do that on purpose)
10.I am more fragile then i appear
11.i am stronger then i give myself credit for
12.I don't know how to pick up/lift animals
13.i get very upset when I see my friends abusing drugs and not living up to their potential
14.I strongly believe that every great filmmaker or photographer must have done or should do shrooms at least once in their lives
15.i still have not come to terms with death (others not my own)
16.I wish I was a couple of inches taller...5 '9 would be the perfect height
17.im trying to learn french but for the most part, je ne comprend pas
18.I dont believe in peer pressure
19.i lurrrveee sunflowers
20.i hate acquaintances and making small talk
21.I am fiercely loyal to all my friends
22.i am stubborn and love to argue for the sake of arguing
23.On any given night I need my 11 hours of sleep ... i have been known to sleep for 19
24.I wish I could carry a tune
25.The maliciousness and hatred in the world used to shock me.... it still severely disturbed by it but i guess im more used to it now
26.I can be brought to tears very easily
27.Most of my friends dont know this about me
28.My right eye is lazy
29.Ice cream ~ strawberrycheesecake used to be my picker-upper...on most days it still is
30.Nothing beats the thrill of rollercoasters and water park rides are as good as it gets
31.I cannot live without sunshine... khi-winter-sun is perfection
32.I have very little patience for dependence and clingyness
33.I hate hypocrites and bullies
34.Life is incomplete without pictures...memory only serves me so far
35.This kind of thing i have the time in the world for, but actual work ill procrastinate till the day after never
36. People used to mistake my bestfrnd and me for twins
37.I enjoy a good corny joke
38.Dancing is like therapy for me! i once danced for 9 hours at a stretch(no drugs were involved)
39.I am always ready to help a frnd
40.I thnk everything/one has the potential to be amazing if only given a chance
41.Labels bother me
42.I want to do great things in life
43.I know that I will have to start believing in myself in order to accomplish them
44.I love the colour orange....it makes me happy
45.I am an idealist and am often dissapointed by people
46.As much as i enjoyed growing up, being a grownup sucks
47.over the last few years I have sobered down and loosened up at the same time
48.I am grateful for everything and one in my life. Life has been very good to me
49.I belive in God
50.There is nothing more i truely want from my life other then health and happiness for myself and everyone I love
51.I have yet to really find my calling in life
52.Making this list was a fun way to waste some time
A-D-D ...(Another Day in Denial)
i keep looking for signs. Signs that will guide me so that I dont have to make the tough decisions. I wish the rest of life was like it was in junior school where the differnt periods of my day were decided for me as was were all the people who was going to be my section. And who would sit next to me all day.
That was the life.
I'm sorry, but this is not the life I ordered. Could I exchange it for sometime I really want.
That was the life.
I'm sorry, but this is not the life I ordered. Could I exchange it for sometime I really want.
we might as well be strangers
i dont know how were going to go on...
i dont know if we can...
Sometimes its so0o easy ...being together having fun ... sometimes I want this to go on forever But can it ...as easy as it is just being in the here and now... I seriously question whether together we will ever be able to move forward ..grow. Even after 4 year and then some Sometimes i turn around and look back at the years and it feels like we havnt really moved in any direction... I even wonder if we know each other any better ...superficially yes but if really 'know' eachother.
But then can anyone ever really know someone else? is that a possibity or just another one of those part of a perfect-life myths
I dont want him to exit my life and become just a happy memory of my college years and yet everyday i feel us slowly little by little growing apart. truthfully i feel myself growing apart... away from him. Its so unfair to him. he wants for things to stay the same more then anything....and for him even i want them to.
But we have talked about ...how were so different ...how in the long run i just cant see us happen. ... and yet we dont end it .... we say o well we'll deal with it when the long run comes....
Sometimes i wonder if our whole lives will pass us by while we'll keep putting off dealing with it. Can someone live their entire lives out like that.
None of my frnds know about this aspect of my relationship. tehy maight have an idea but no one really knows. I feel guilty abpout it. Feel like (...well know) that theyll turn around and say well what are you doing in this if you dont see it going anywhere. Thats the way it is now at this age in this society.... There no point to it if your not going for the long haul.
but the truth is i love him! i want his happieness more then anything!
Often i wish tht he would find someone amazing and be the one to break it off with me. At least that way i know he'll be ok.
Its just so unfair. I find someone who i love and who loves me more then anyone else can and yet the logistics of life make it so that we are at odds with one another. The problem with our relationship is not here and now ...right now we are the perfect couple. The problems will arise when we begin the rest of our life....
i dont know if we can...
Sometimes its so0o easy ...being together having fun ... sometimes I want this to go on forever But can it ...as easy as it is just being in the here and now... I seriously question whether together we will ever be able to move forward ..grow. Even after 4 year and then some Sometimes i turn around and look back at the years and it feels like we havnt really moved in any direction... I even wonder if we know each other any better ...superficially yes but if really 'know' eachother.
But then can anyone ever really know someone else? is that a possibity or just another one of those part of a perfect-life myths
I dont want him to exit my life and become just a happy memory of my college years and yet everyday i feel us slowly little by little growing apart. truthfully i feel myself growing apart... away from him. Its so unfair to him. he wants for things to stay the same more then anything....and for him even i want them to.
But we have talked about ...how were so different ...how in the long run i just cant see us happen. ... and yet we dont end it .... we say o well we'll deal with it when the long run comes....
Sometimes i wonder if our whole lives will pass us by while we'll keep putting off dealing with it. Can someone live their entire lives out like that.
None of my frnds know about this aspect of my relationship. tehy maight have an idea but no one really knows. I feel guilty abpout it. Feel like (...well know) that theyll turn around and say well what are you doing in this if you dont see it going anywhere. Thats the way it is now at this age in this society.... There no point to it if your not going for the long haul.
but the truth is i love him! i want his happieness more then anything!
Often i wish tht he would find someone amazing and be the one to break it off with me. At least that way i know he'll be ok.
Its just so unfair. I find someone who i love and who loves me more then anyone else can and yet the logistics of life make it so that we are at odds with one another. The problem with our relationship is not here and now ...right now we are the perfect couple. The problems will arise when we begin the rest of our life....
feeling greensss
so0o im out of the what the beep am i doing phase! ...well not so0o much that im "out of it" more that im just not thinking abt it right now ...i guess since iv started w/ my french course (urghh what a pain of a lang) and i guess im just keeping busy so0o no0 time to mull about on depressing trivialities like decicisons about the-rest-of-my-life.
SO0O0O since im in a better happier mood (tho teh happier mood i might attribute to 'other' stuff as well ;)) i have decided to change my template! the mute colors really dont go w/ me! and tho teh pink is totally my style im still not at that peak of my personallity so0o green it is.
SO0O0O since im in a better happier mood (tho teh happier mood i might attribute to 'other' stuff as well ;)) i have decided to change my template! the mute colors really dont go w/ me! and tho teh pink is totally my style im still not at that peak of my personallity so0o green it is.
swam today
i swam today in my buildings pool. lived here for about 5 mths and its the 1st time. Quite fun actually I even convinced imb to take a dip. then i even tried out the sauna (o0h what an eventful saturday) ...dissapointed that i didnt really sweat at all ... so0o sauna-ing as a weightlosing technique has been crossed off my list ...daymn it...i guess its easy anyway....
I have decided that i will start watching my forgien films now ..... i have been collecting them for quite some time now but have yet to see almost all but a few since most of frnds never seem to be in the mood....apparently watching movies with subtitles falls right above the "reading" catagory... (i duno0o if its relevent but these non reading non wanting to be cultureofied frnds are obv guys) hmp!!
but o well who needs them... there isnt anything wrong w/ watching movies alone ...
but its just that when you watch something as delightful as Amelie or y tu mama tembien and like it so0o much you want your frnds to watch it and like it as much as you do ....well at least ur best frnds .... why does it bother me so0o much when imb doenst find the same joy that I do in the films or book or just stuff that i reccommend to him .... hmphhhh!(thats my new fav wrd :P)
I have decided that i will start watching my forgien films now ..... i have been collecting them for quite some time now but have yet to see almost all but a few since most of frnds never seem to be in the mood....apparently watching movies with subtitles falls right above the "reading" catagory... (i duno0o if its relevent but these non reading non wanting to be cultureofied frnds are obv guys) hmp!!
but o well who needs them... there isnt anything wrong w/ watching movies alone ...
but its just that when you watch something as delightful as Amelie or y tu mama tembien and like it so0o much you want your frnds to watch it and like it as much as you do ....well at least ur best frnds .... why does it bother me so0o much when imb doenst find the same joy that I do in the films or book or just stuff that i reccommend to him .... hmphhhh!(thats my new fav wrd :P)
Thursday, February 03, 2005
get this
"Computer games don't affect kids, I mean if Pac Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in a darkened room munching pills and listening to repetitive music..." - Kristian Wilson, CEO, Nintendo Gaming Corporation, Inc, 1989
Wednesday, February 02, 2005
the time of your life?
Well ground, well rounded, having the time of my life. Like the ones in the pictures that look like that, the ones at the places that wear that look. The ones having fun. Know what its all about, know where im headed now. So i look at my own pictures and see that I too could be one.
But im not.
In a world of millions of people how many are there like me. Sitting at their keyboards at 3:47 a.m. procrastinating writing a paper that is due in 4 hours. Instead rambling on about the confused state of mind that this new age has brought. Hoping beyond hope that creating a "blog" and adding this post might help me come this much closer to figuring myself out. For a person who was so together i sure seem to have lost touch with myself this past year. And even though it seems like everyone around me seems to suffering from a similar mid-20s crisis somehow that does nothing to comfort me. Yes its a phase, yes i will get through it, yes its not a matter of life and death. And yet i cant help the feeling that at 22, without a substantsial plan of action or career path that im postively estatic about and that will make a exceptional difference in the world, my life is just slowly slipping me by and there is nothing im doing to stop it.
Ofcourse I could get up tommorow morning bright and early get looking for a job make a move and do something with my life....but then again that would place me in a position where having proclaimed to the world what I am doing with my life, I would then, in front of the world, fail miserablly at it spiral downwards crash and burn!!!
I do realize the ridiculousness of this notion/fear/theory and yet i am unable to let go of it! I see the people around me friends aquaintances parents friends children who are in similar position starting out thier lives so to speak and all i know is that i want to be exceptional at what i will be doing. I cant stand the thought of starting out in a career im not so sure about and being satisfactory or adequate. I need to be passionate and great!
so0o much ambition and so little conviction. Ironic or just plain ridiculous. I know I know I despratly need to get my act together and only for so long can i keep blaming the blasted cold weather for my laziness and inaction.
But im not.
In a world of millions of people how many are there like me. Sitting at their keyboards at 3:47 a.m. procrastinating writing a paper that is due in 4 hours. Instead rambling on about the confused state of mind that this new age has brought. Hoping beyond hope that creating a "blog" and adding this post might help me come this much closer to figuring myself out. For a person who was so together i sure seem to have lost touch with myself this past year. And even though it seems like everyone around me seems to suffering from a similar mid-20s crisis somehow that does nothing to comfort me. Yes its a phase, yes i will get through it, yes its not a matter of life and death. And yet i cant help the feeling that at 22, without a substantsial plan of action or career path that im postively estatic about and that will make a exceptional difference in the world, my life is just slowly slipping me by and there is nothing im doing to stop it.
Ofcourse I could get up tommorow morning bright and early get looking for a job make a move and do something with my life....but then again that would place me in a position where having proclaimed to the world what I am doing with my life, I would then, in front of the world, fail miserablly at it spiral downwards crash and burn!!!
I do realize the ridiculousness of this notion/fear/theory and yet i am unable to let go of it! I see the people around me friends aquaintances parents friends children who are in similar position starting out thier lives so to speak and all i know is that i want to be exceptional at what i will be doing. I cant stand the thought of starting out in a career im not so sure about and being satisfactory or adequate. I need to be passionate and great!
so0o much ambition and so little conviction. Ironic or just plain ridiculous. I know I know I despratly need to get my act together and only for so long can i keep blaming the blasted cold weather for my laziness and inaction.
think
im in a time at a place where im not so sure of anything anymore. Very recently having become aware of the fact that "im all grown up" (well almost) i dont think im liking the hand iv been dealt. Honestly maybe its the "shit im no longer a teenager" realization talking but shit i really dont want to be here...i dont want the confusion ...the what to do with my life .... the will this relationship last my entire life... the now is the time time to live up to all those expectations ....the how the fuck am i supposed to handle all this !! And yea i know ... this is just the beginning
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