Well ground, well rounded, having the time of my life. Like the ones in the pictures that look like that, the ones at the places that wear that look. The ones having fun. Know what its all about, know where im headed now. So i look at my own pictures and see that I too could be one.
But im not.
In a world of millions of people how many are there like me. Sitting at their keyboards at 3:47 a.m. procrastinating writing a paper that is due in 4 hours. Instead rambling on about the confused state of mind that this new age has brought. Hoping beyond hope that creating a "blog" and adding this post might help me come this much closer to figuring myself out. For a person who was so together i sure seem to have lost touch with myself this past year. And even though it seems like everyone around me seems to suffering from a similar mid-20s crisis somehow that does nothing to comfort me. Yes its a phase, yes i will get through it, yes its not a matter of life and death. And yet i cant help the feeling that at 22, without a substantsial plan of action or career path that im postively estatic about and that will make a exceptional difference in the world, my life is just slowly slipping me by and there is nothing im doing to stop it.
Ofcourse I could get up tommorow morning bright and early get looking for a job make a move and do something with my life....but then again that would place me in a position where having proclaimed to the world what I am doing with my life, I would then, in front of the world, fail miserablly at it spiral downwards crash and burn!!!
I do realize the ridiculousness of this notion/fear/theory and yet i am unable to let go of it! I see the people around me friends aquaintances parents friends children who are in similar position starting out thier lives so to speak and all i know is that i want to be exceptional at what i will be doing. I cant stand the thought of starting out in a career im not so sure about and being satisfactory or adequate. I need to be passionate and great!
so0o much ambition and so little conviction. Ironic or just plain ridiculous. I know I know I despratly need to get my act together and only for so long can i keep blaming the blasted cold weather for my laziness and inaction.
1 comment:
Hey. Read your post. I can relate to it on a few levels. Not on the ambition thing though. I am notoriously unabmitious; sometimes I think I have studied all my life just out of a sense of duty and responsibility. The only 'job' I really wanted was that of an ecologist in the amazon.
I know unwanted advice pisses people off, but it's normal to feel that way at age 22 or thereabouts. If you are still doing your bachelors, then it's very normal. All I figured out after my bachelors was what I DON'T want to do in life.
Other than that, can't really help ya. All I want from life is to raise really good kids. When I look at the future, or what it might bring, I don't need myself to be a whiz at programming, or a master businessman. I would like to be a good human being, who has raised good kids, done good things in life. I would like to be able to look myself in the mirror before I die and say: You did good kid.
Good luck with your semi-formed plans.
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