I don’t know what to do with myself. Im siting at work …been here since 11 in the morning and I don’t think iv focused at anything or really smiled at anyone since then …I have to stay here till 8 pm I don’t know how ill do it …I cant even go home for no reason other then that I’d rather be here then deal with the family abhi … I feel that I cant breathe so I start taking deep breaths and then realize how stupid I must be looking! But I feel so suffocated. I don’t want to be here but then there is no where else id rather be. No one I want to see or rather no one I want seeing me abhi. I’d be with my friends I know they are there for me. but its just too much pressure … like a regular pity party. I don’t like people looking at me every 2 secs to make sure im ok. Talking incessantly to make sure my mind is kept occupied. That’s my fucking job. I know you mean it in the best possible way but I know all the tricks and having you around pulling my tricks just makes me even more aware of my desperate… disintegrating situation.

At this point I feel that there isn’t anyone I can talk to without wanting to take a fucking steel bat to their heads. I know im being mean I know im being brutal but I don’t know how else to tell you!! Every word out of your mouth seems to be the fucking wrong one!
I might be a fucking bitch but I don’t want to hear about your misery or your joy …. Not today … tell me tomorrow and I will cry for you so you don’t have to and I will laugh with you to make you laugh harder but not fucking today!!

Ek tau I cant even get trashed in this fucking country!! Well its not that I cant …im just not comfortable … there are always people around …people who I couldn’t give two fucks abt …people who im not comfortable with …. why cant every one just go away. …
And having said that … i realize just how fucked up I am …. I decide that I cant take company one min and the next min im calling up someone or the other because being alone is suffocating the life out of me …. i cant take being with people and I cant take being alone. If I was only somewhere where there were lots of people who didn’t know me …not a single soul knew who I was and I could just get lost in that crowd … meet people who I didn’t owe anything …no questions no explanations …

And I don’t know how long I can keep this up… yesterday I feigned illness so0o the bitchiness was accounted for …but how long can I keep that up without any physical ailments …. With things being as dicey as they are I need to be careful .. I CAN NOT afford to take my grief out at home for fear of the repercussions … things are too fragile at home for me to fuck them up with an untimely outburst. I just cant… I would hate myself forever if things got fucked up right now because of me …. (you don’t know what exactly things are like so I don’t expect you to understand just don’t write back or comment abt how I don’t have to take so much pressure upon myself or anything like that) Because right now it doesn’t matter what im going through … what they are going through is much much bigger and I have to fucking well respect that … and I have to control myself and take whatever it is im feeling outside. I just hope that im able to that I can.