i needed time

i got into the car alone .... they play such shit on a saturday that very soon my creative black was plugged into my ears and i was listening to that music again ... it had been a while ... the clear drops lacing their way down the window were mirrored by those running down my cheek.... here i was again ...writing on the back of a used envelope this time and making my way to another city ...... iv been here before ..... and yet in some ways iv never been here ..... never wanted to be here ....

everythings fallen apart .... and so have i ..... all the more in my own eyes .....
this is self loathing .... this is failure

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this place is beautiful ..... this house with its collection of things that move me ..... these people with thier connections to my history ...... there are many things i can learn .. many i may not want to....

you do not have a beloved? ...... but how do you manage that? not having some one to love?

and even though its wonderful .... my being here just doent feel right ..... not without you .... we had a pact of sorts .... but i guess i needed to come here .... see all this without you ..... for i have once before as well .....

the light in this house, the music, the shelves crammed up to the ceiling with bits and pieces and a world of collected treasures... this feeling that comes over me in a place like this .....

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.......and the country i dreamed of for years .... so very different from that i had built in my mind .... the people the place the language the movements ...... all so differnt .... and so am i .... my first break from everything ..... and then me breqking down ...i needed more of the sea then i got from here ....an hour isnt nearly enough to calm me down and yet it did ......

perspective over the days .... i thnk iv got some ... regqrdless of everything ..... and i dont quite have faith but im going to try and build some ..... annd maybe rebuild my self while im at it ..... fuck i sound all wise and what not ... hahah wonder how long that will last ...... ill get back to real life and watch myself falll apart again ...... (i hope not)