...........and you?

i want to be skin and bones but i don't have the willpower. = My right nipple itches and I'm attempting to scratch it in a public computer lab. = I like to rub guacamole all over my hairy ass and run around my house singing god save the queen. Is this wrong? = It's been months and months since he decided against me. And I know he's miserable. I am too. I want to throw myself around him and kiss his neck. And I want him to be happy. And I want to be happy. = I have to try not to laugh out loud when people make statements relating to their religion. Like, "God helps those who help themselves" or "Jesus love me". HA HA HA, LOSERS! = I am completely leading Kris on. I'm so sorry. I'm a bitch. = i feel so guilty about being with her, having sex with her and looking at her beautiful face and her eyes showing me love and i dont know how i feel about her - if its love or just a wierd kind of duty. = My friends and I saw a small frog... so we poured some gasoline on it, set it on fire, and watched a little flaming ball go hoppity, hoppity, stoppity... = im stoned i promised my self i was gonna take a break I told other people this I dont give a fuck. = Outside my window, I can hear my neighbor's children playing. They sound young, innocent, happy...It annoys the hell out of me. I want to go over and shoot their brains out. = I am really bad at hugging people. I wish i could get closer. =
i love you. you say you love me too. so why do you keep talking to him like he means more to you than i do? it seems as though i dont know you anymore. it hurts so much when you ignore me. we're supposed to love each other damnit. = i will only go to jewish or chinese doctors. they are the superior races. = i find biting and mouths and lips very sexy. i even enjoy giving head. because of this i bite my boyfriend on occasion, but it drives him nuts. hes shy about everything, even kissing, and im going crazy with frustration. i love him but if this keeps up i dont know what ill do. = sometimes i say "fruit" instead of fuck. = i want to be single again, but im also afraid of being alone. in many ways....i need him...and i hate feeling dependent, because i am an inherently independent person. = retarded people don't know they are retarded You don't feel retarded do you? = When i was about 9, i called my Grandma a lesbian! which i still regret to this day :) . = I dont tell people Im gay. Not because I am afraid they'll will hate me, but because I dont want to hear them say 'i knew it' or 'I told you so'. = I am self-destructive.and one day soon there isn't going to be much left to destroy.maybe i'm trying to be a kind of self-army... you know break myself down to rebuild me a different way...i dunno.maybe i'm just an idiot. = I don't like to look at people in the eyes. = I like to shave my balls before I play tennis. I know its strange, but it helps them breathe, and tennis is hard. = Some days I wonder if I am actually evil deep down. = i need my boyfriend to be here for me right now, to kiss me so deeply and just hold me for so long that I am the one trying to pull away. but he won't, he's not paying attention and not getting what i'm saying and the sun is streaming in through my blinds and it's making the curtain sparkle and shimmer gold, and i notice it and i wish he would notice it and appreciate it too. = i get really pissed off when people i dislike listen to the same music that i do.i don't think they understand it the way i do. = when i first had sex, i thought not of my partner.... but batman. = i fall in love too easily. = I don't usually read the really long confessions. Just the short ones. = I often wish that new phrases would be coined.When you hear something you don't like:"That sounds ankles". = I should have kissed him. His lips where so close to mine. = I collect vacuum cleaners. I wish I wasn't so damn weird. But it's also so much fun. Oh well!


www.grouphug.us

bus.
(i'm) finished
im done here

Grated down

down

to a thin
tiny
sliver
(guess what) i stand
tall

still.

For if i'd fall (honey)

i'd fall
far

far too HEAVY

for every
single
solitary
oneofyou

to catch

so squeeze the life outofme
ill gather my baggage round
smiling

Stuff it up
in
cheap plastic bags

I

will keep it now
-DontYouWorry-

Warm,
safe,

Inside a sticky
place

A bag cuddling each kidney of mine

...sigh ..... if only..

When he falls desperately in love with you because of the light that falls on your face a certain way. Or clings to you desperately because he realizes he just cant do without. There is something so grabbingly attractive about being wanted that way and then again sometimes ...just a little.....empty .......isn't it
always left wanting a little more .... something a little different to mix it up...... something a little of that which we don't/cant have.
how can I be so of 2 minds. Wanting..... no needing 2 such conflicting things ......Just wrap me up in 3 simple words 'I – don't – (fucking) know!' (no the colourful insertion does not make it 4)
23 is not a good place to get all fucking rebellious.....not now! ..... and yet ....I do things now with the justification that 'iv been a good kid so far' ..... rebellious bones always sure but never did anything wrong...... so no im not juvenile enough to think ahh lets make up for time lost.....but well .....I don't know ....whats the harm .....everyones done far worse crap ...... if I need some time off before leaping into the inevitable 'rest of my life' .......if I want some space where I need not think of anyone but me .....then fuckkkk why is that such a fucked up place to be ?!....
We still have such long way to go ....


Roles reversed :
....'you! you women you're cold. Practical. Hard hearted'
'We are not like that ......men.... we're emotional......Our decisions don't come from a practical, thought out place'

So here I am stuck with the practical brain a hard heart and yet.....still a soft spot for the soft brained men in my life ......and ofcourse a conscience (the guilty kind) to top it all ......

yes yes .....emotionalsoftcuddlywrappedinmarshmallow Men all of you ....what I want to know is how you do the no-strings-attached thing. the attachment-but-it-doesn't-mean-anything thing. The refusal-to-think-about-anyone-other-then-yourself thing. The will-love-you-more-then-any-other-breathing-thing-on-earth-but-only-on-my-own-terms thing.

Trust me. through the cloud of tears and drama down to that practical plane isn't a smooth ride. At least he knows what one thing he wants at a single point in time. At least he isn't pulled in different directions by every bone in his body.



========================



Im still very angry. Just because im being nice about it and good to you. doesn't mean you can keep running me over with your selfishness. URGHHHH why must you make this so fucking difficult!?

ragdoll pretty

sigh. im tired ...
im sick of the expectations. the appropriate reactions. sick of being a fucking ragdoll in all your eyes. say this to make her smile. get her that to hear her laugh. push this button and she will cry. poke her this way and she wont know what to do with her self.
and Right now ...with me not knowing what it is that im not feeling or am ..every single little action of yours feels like a poke. poke pokity poke. (and not the good fucking kind)

every
time
you (any.
all
of you)
say something

.. i - want - to - scream:

NO! !!!!!!!

FUCK YOU!
I WANT TO SCRATCH UR EYES OUT!
I WANT TO PUT A SCREWDRIVER THROUGH UR BALLS!
GET OVER UR FUCKING SELF!
SORT YOURSELF!
AND LEAVE ME OUT OF IT!
I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO OWE YOU ANYTHING... ESPECIALLY NOT A POLITE SMILE WHICH I DONT EVEN MEAN!
FUCK UR INSTRUCTIONS!
FUCK UR EXPECTAIONS!
FUCK MY OBLIGATIONS!
UR SORRY STATE & THAT POOR-BECHARA-LIL-ME STANCE!
FUCK YOU ALL!

(.....and i dont care if all ur asking of me is to pass the fucking dahee)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARFGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


...just

let

me

crawl into my own little dark space and just be!
..... and if you cant do that and i get nasty on ur ass well consider that ur own fucking fault! so there!!

so the words have left. and the letters.... meaningless. so i have nothing to say. all this. pointless. yes; established fact. And yet. here I am once again. pouring my heart on to a blank word document... in an already failed attempt at making sense of any of this. like I said. an already failed attempt. before I even started.

what good are my words if I don't know what it is I want. (to say)

moments of clarity.
now those are really overrated. runofthemill HeadFucks disguised as epiphanies. and I should know by now. every time I come across one of these ... ..im in for it. Things happen. take their own course. Understanding. Rationalizion. Reasoning. It all falls way way short of real life. why havnt I come to terms with that as yet? ...

so I sit and talk about the things that are fucking me over and I find my lips twitching to curve up into a smile ...ironic.....and more then that 'how fucking inappropriate'! heh
or rather 'unnatural' as it has also been called. Yes quite. But Iv found that I don't quite know how to stay serious when it comes to such things... (and no I usually do not have a good sense of humor about myself)......... ((well its either this or me in a puddle of tears)) so yes. quite.

So. talking about clarity...epiphanies....the like ...'those' moments ....of 'that mood' .... its hard to define really ......but when the weather is perfect (as it is these days) and when you spend your time thinking. not in an effort to understand (for that ofcourse would be futile to say the least) but just for the sake of. ....cultivating? acceptance maybe.....?
I cant say....
Just that ironically somehow I feel inspired these days. And somehow at peace. I know you don't. you're probably as far from peace as I am from you.

I don't want to be caught in a never ending fucking saga.... not like them.
I don't want to be spinning round in unrelenting circles. vicious. I want to gather round as many life experiences as I can. I haven't much so far. So should I be apologetic then because you want to sort this NOW. Right away. because you cant live outside the prescribed lines. and as far as I'd like to run from labels and boundaries you seem to crave them. Why cant you just let it be let this slide. Why? (what a useless question for me to still be asking) I know your answer to my whys ..... its just the way you are. Period. You want to box us up so that 'we' don't slip away.
I accept that. fine. but there is only so much that I can bend. No. actually only so much I will. I understand you just fine. now I need you to try. to want. to understand. accept. think of me. (I know you will resent that) I'm sorry. And somehow im not.


My anguish and my calm swing from the roof like a fucking pendulum. Never know when ill be hit by one or the other .....God ....its been a month of perpetual pms. Fuck! (funny thing is that a month ago when the rug was pulled from under my feet....that's just what a friend of mine thought was wrong ......bad bad BAD case of pms..... It was only when he was informed otherwise 2 weeks later that he realized o0oh ...... men ....such fucktards!)

But yes..... must steer clear of the topic 'Men: Such Fucktards'.....have had enough talk time venting on the subject already. and quite a futile excercise that too.....even a quick rundown exploring the immaturehelplessfuckedupselfishbrainlessballlesschutiyas that are men would take quite a while.... so we wont go there.....

.....so instead ill listen to the lyrics, the melodies, ill buy more canvases, ill try to sort myself before I get back to you, ill hope you're trying to sort yourself too, ill work long hours and enjoy it, ill miss you and probably cry when I do, ill buy myself some paints to go with the canvases, ill start taking pictures again and hope my camera cooperates, ill bring you up in my conversations without meaning to, ill smoke, ill maybe even change my mind abt all this by tomm, ill take it as it comes,
so should you ....