Friday, January 27, 2006

I don’t know what to do with myself. Im siting at work …been here since 11 in the morning and I don’t think iv focused at anything or really smiled at anyone since then …I have to stay here till 8 pm I don’t know how ill do it …I cant even go home for no reason other then that I’d rather be here then deal with the family abhi … I feel that I cant breathe so I start taking deep breaths and then realize how stupid I must be looking! But I feel so suffocated. I don’t want to be here but then there is no where else id rather be. No one I want to see or rather no one I want seeing me abhi. I’d be with my friends I know they are there for me. but its just too much pressure … like a regular pity party. I don’t like people looking at me every 2 secs to make sure im ok. Talking incessantly to make sure my mind is kept occupied. That’s my fucking job. I know you mean it in the best possible way but I know all the tricks and having you around pulling my tricks just makes me even more aware of my desperate… disintegrating situation.

At this point I feel that there isn’t anyone I can talk to without wanting to take a fucking steel bat to their heads. I know im being mean I know im being brutal but I don’t know how else to tell you!! Every word out of your mouth seems to be the fucking wrong one!
I might be a fucking bitch but I don’t want to hear about your misery or your joy …. Not today … tell me tomorrow and I will cry for you so you don’t have to and I will laugh with you to make you laugh harder but not fucking today!!

Ek tau I cant even get trashed in this fucking country!! Well its not that I cant …im just not comfortable … there are always people around …people who I couldn’t give two fucks abt …people who im not comfortable with …. why cant every one just go away. …
And having said that … i realize just how fucked up I am …. I decide that I cant take company one min and the next min im calling up someone or the other because being alone is suffocating the life out of me …. i cant take being with people and I cant take being alone. If I was only somewhere where there were lots of people who didn’t know me …not a single soul knew who I was and I could just get lost in that crowd … meet people who I didn’t owe anything …no questions no explanations …

And I don’t know how long I can keep this up… yesterday I feigned illness so0o the bitchiness was accounted for …but how long can I keep that up without any physical ailments …. With things being as dicey as they are I need to be careful .. I CAN NOT afford to take my grief out at home for fear of the repercussions … things are too fragile at home for me to fuck them up with an untimely outburst. I just cant… I would hate myself forever if things got fucked up right now because of me …. (you don’t know what exactly things are like so I don’t expect you to understand just don’t write back or comment abt how I don’t have to take so much pressure upon myself or anything like that) Because right now it doesn’t matter what im going through … what they are going through is much much bigger and I have to fucking well respect that … and I have to control myself and take whatever it is im feeling outside. I just hope that im able to that I can.
kya hua?

kisi ki nazar lag gaee kya?

dil bhar ga ya kya?

main nai aisa kya kiya?
main nai aisa kya nahin kiya?


ab main kya karoon .......

sub kuch tau …tum nai lay liya
meray liya kuch nahin chora

kya hua......
......hummay?!

sub toot ga ya
......aur ab
main bhi....

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

I know I should write (it would be good for me) .... but i just dont have the words. Not right now. (......So im plagerizing from another's blog. i hope you dont mind.)

i want to kill you for having broken your promise to love me madly and
completely forever, but i have no right. Only because I know that when you promised it you believed such a love existed. i was taken in by that lie too, and now we're both fools. guess that's as good as it gets then huh..?


it still hurts


Friday, January 13, 2006

have things changed because they were too good for too long?! .... is this some kind of price we all must pay for having had such a good life so far. this. over nothing! this. its nothing. how is it shattering everything?! "nazar lag ga-ee" .... somehow i belive that.... what else can it be. we were so good *MASHALLAH* ... neurotic ofcourse dysfunctional even but in the best possible way. i was always thankful for it! kabhi nashukri nahin ki ... i always realized that we were luckier then most.
i looked up to them. all of them ... they gave me hope ... life could be good ... families could be whole.... happy. I still belive that. ... maybe its because iv belived it for so long ... maybe im just naive.
there has to be a solution to this. some resolution. i just dont know how to get to it. i dont even know how to deal with this. im not the best person for this. im really not. but im trying...to handle this.... somehow.... praying .... iv stopped ... i should start again ...but it scares me.

just please
pray
for us

Friday, January 06, 2006

my Head
its

fucking

spinning
no not spinning /reeling ..... maybe!
im
stuck
(fuck)it seems! here in this place where i know Nothing! (and nothing knows me) ...
nothings certain nothing im sure of. if i thought i knew a thing at all before. its left me (birdy bye bye) .... you ask me a question put fwd a query ... i swear i wont know the answer. i'll know what you want to hear what i should say. but no longer the right from the wrong. yes? no? i dont fucking know. either way it could be .... seriously. eitehr way. does it even make a differnce.
i sit with blank expression mind blank not knowing Anything!
and then there are the days when i start yapping awayfrom the second i wake up... talk talk talk ... keep talking so i dont have the time to stop and think. abt the gaps... the nothing..
how should it be? anything?


hmmmm... parallel universes if there could be would be my drug of choice /// to you i'd leave the rest ...
and you would choose?
what?

Thursday, January 05, 2006

this is me not writing

(random snippets of the past few weeks)


Since when have I become the kind of person who wakes up and spends the entire morning in a gallant effort not to cry (and that too at the retardest of things). Seriously!? Since when!?

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Im wearing heels today ...Everyone's noticed … what? cant I be all tick tick once in a while… its like the staple reactions every time I reach for a smoke in front of someone new .. "gasp! You smoke!? "shock" (fall of your chair why don't you) … that’s it the smiling at everyone that …has got to stop! Im dropping the cutesy smiley girl act! … burnt my tongue in coffee. It just came knew it would burn and still I greedily dipped in/.wtf. oh yea I now also drink coffee.

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The feeding me aunty to my right, says "ek Diana aur ek Jennifer Aniston my heart really goes out to them"…(?!!?) while big obnoxious across sings "ab tau mera dil jagay naa sota hai kya karoon hai kuch kuch hota hai" to a new girl who is not his wife.