who needs sleep?

been in bed since 1:15.... its 2:47 right now ...i have to get up for work at 8 daymnit! and to think i was actually being a good girl little and even went to bed on time. daymnit daymnit!!
who the fuck was it that thought sleeping to rave music was a good idea ..my brain feels like its on speed ...its going into fucking overdrive...it never thinks this muchhh... help! stop! ...i think im getting mine for the previous entries on sloth ..daymnnn.

Fuck.
i hope this doesnt mean im becoming an insomniac does it .... i mean seriously. sleep is all i have!! honest. OK seriously God let me sleep now and tommorow ill start with all the stuff iv been putting off ...generally...in life.... you know what i'm talking about ....Pinky Swear!!!!

*fingers crossed* crawling into bed to check to see if God's buying it.....

listening to dolphin's cry by live ...

gets me everytime

laazinggg does pay off ;)

heeyyyyyyy just found out..there was no work today ...holiday in the states or something ....daymn that was close ...imagine me having actually crawled out of bed at 8 in the a.m. dragged myself all the way to work in the miserable rainy weather to find out there was no work today ...
phew* that was a close one
...good call sammi grl :D

daymnit.
i slept in again!
what the hell is going to become of me? i seriously need to get it. Vacation time, as fabulous as it was, is O.V.E.R. Get A Job Woman!! (smack me on the head some one. quick.) the good times are over and you need a job to pay for al those good times. stop with the sitting on your aRse and laaaaaazzzzinggg aroundd all day ....

although we all know that a LOT can be said for laazzing around ...i meannn seriously is there anything better (well i can think of few things but *ahem* moving on..) No seriously ...Sleeping ..better yet sleeping in ... a deep sleep when all you want to do is stay in ur cozy bed under ur cozy covers foreverrrr!!! or just sitting on the grass with the warm sun on your sun on your back chilling with your frnds watching a crazy tiny white dog non-stop-humping every part of this great big Beast of a brown dog NON-STOP... hahaha what the fuck was that ... fucking hysterical heheheheheh... HOW can you possibly get bored on a day like yesterday ..(ar your a freak boay)....
*Sigh*
i need to start working
i need to start gymning
i need to start on that painting for the exhibit
i need to clean the apt

...and yet i think today i'll just laaaaazzzzeeeeeeeeee .... hehehhehe *big*mischivious*grin* :)

we sit in a box

you and i

lie

side by side

sometimes

sometimes

sit

face to face

sometimes

we
talk

sometimes
stare
into eachother's space

i try

to

breathe in the words that you exhale

sometimes
i take them in
other times
i fail

the box turns bubble

and
together
we float

again

over life

and its stakes

it

might

burst
but

then again...

i wrote words words that came to mind that flew across my brain translated through my fingers across the screen...i clicked backspace and deleted those words the thoughts that crossed my mind then. now its all a daze gaze back and see ill miss it all sometime soon .... the stones that fell from the sky and crushed the corners of eyes crumpled the paper aimed for the trash the trash in trash couldnt think a wink for tonight tonight im flying im sleeping awake

listening to Mr. Brightside by The Killers......

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss

It was only a kiss

a feather flies
*smudge

sunshine

cut

through her like glass

she bled
into the night onto the grass

her blood
mixing with the dirt
hardened
forming red brown odd shaped crustations

the next day

she arose
from the ashes of her former self

like the bird

the phoenix
was it?

she was transparent
now
of glass

translucent even

bleeding light sometimes

and if you looked close enough
you might catch a glimpse of her smoking heart

yesterday i was happy ....but then that was yesterday

clear my head
shake off my mistakes
my faults my lies my expectaions my cries
unravel the chaos
wrapped around my head
unparalyze me
let me live
beneath the sun feel its rays
come out from the corner
sheltered still

twirling with clouds

when i want to breath i open my eyes i reach to the sky i let myself fly when i want to see i close my eyes i look inside i feel my heartbeat i dance to a beat the loud drums beat beats of rhythms of dancing beats i feel alive at this moment feel my heart soar light as a feather but heavy at the core with a darkness inside i miss a beat but brush myself of of sunflowers and rainbows and clouds and of stars of the blue pink red purple orange i gaze far into the heavens and i breathe

make~belief and magic

dreams of fairydust
sparkles
bright lights
snow flakes on lashes
spinning
nights away
make believe its whole
pink red
orange still
pretty as a petal
of neverending fairytales.......

thought of writing/blogging/spewing.... then thought again

im sorry i seem to be bleeding all over your new suit with the green lining and pink tie you bought to impress her with the blond hair and the blue eyes you cried when she asked you not to get too close you cried for her what about me im sorry i didnt want to disturb you i should go bleed somewhere else.....

sprawled on the grass
watch the blade
slice the skin
the flesh, the bone
the hand goes in
brings out the heart
red
black thoughts
you feel it pain
rip it out
screams
stitch up the wound
let her lie
empty inside broken aside

shes just a girl

She just keeps playing into his hands. Over and over again. Fate fucks around with her and she lets herself get fucked. H.a.r.d. You could say she's a pawn. The devil's pawn maybe. Played around with in order to fulfil a larger purpose. And a dark one at that. She could fight it if she wanted to. but fuck that. It hurts her repeatedly but hey everybody hurts sometimes. She hums The Song in head. The one that broke her. How could she have been such a fool. She bleeds a little. sometimes. a lot. Then she gets up brushes herself off and starts up all over again. Shes brusied. broken even. And yet she thinks she stands a chance. She needs a reality check. She wants to be fucked again. She tries to play him but whats the difference. She ends up knocked to the floor, tears mixed with blood brimming at the corner of her eyes. But shes still game....

when will i realize that no one is coming to rescue me. no one will ever read me without me having to say a word. a soulmate is not a garuntee. neither is a happily ever after. deal with it.

i want to scream!! i want to stop breathing!! how the fuck did this happen. everything was fine. everything was bareable. i was even thinking it was time for a light hearted post. i thought things were getting better. why the fuck did i think that? why the fuck did i dare to imagine this could get easier? why the fuck did i think we could be friends or that you would be there for me. you'll never be there for me again and i just have to accept that. you need to be there for yourself and thats how it is. i know it was nothing but how can you drop this on me and expct me not to react? how would you have reacted if i told you something like this. i know it was nothing but still. i know i have no rights on you anymore but still. i know they were just feelings and you did all you could but still.
i keep thinking this is it. we'v past the worst. i dont know how or why im so fucking naive. i am a coward. i am a hypocrite. i told you be honest with me and i'd deal with it. i cant. im sorry. i tried to be ok. i swear i did. i thought i'd be ok. but i cant help it. i'd still rather know then not know. i dont know why. i guess it just made my insecurity real. i know it was nothing. but still.

this blog is getting fucking depressing

this blog is getting fucking depressing wtf mate

i dont know whats going on. i feel so fucking lost. its so fucking hard. being without. i was fine. when i didnt know what it was i didnt have. i was never the affectionate type, why is it now that all of a sudden all i want is someone to hug. to touch. i never needed that before. you did this to me. and now that i dont have you anymore. i sit here at 5:29 in the morning aching for you. i cant belive how much i miss you. you come over. talk to our frnds. tell them about ur weekend . i know ur trying hard to get over me. its just seems your getting along much better then me. then again its not like i have much going for me. maybe i should just fuck it and move back to khi already. seriously theres not much left here for me. i seriously thought we might be able to give this another chnae but i guess thats not fair to you. i know. i have to grow up. its just so fucking hard. i want to. i want whats best for us. and now there isnt an us. so i dont even know what im rambling on about. you would think that at least me being meiserable might produce some creativity in me. but no. i just sit here. unable to do anything. i keep reminding myself why im in this place but without you to fight with i keep forgetting and all i remeber is school the ac hall montreal the phone booth when it was raining ur face................ i just....i want to know how youre doing. i keep going on msn and stare at your nick hoping for ...i dont know what....and the thing is your the only one. the only one i could even talk to about this. and i cant. i know my friends are there but. well you know how i am. i cant. cant talk. cant let them see me cry for too long. not cause im too proud. hardly that. i guess figures what would happen to an unaffectionate girl unable to open up . sitting at 5:38 in the morning typing a one sided conversation that will never happen.....

17 little pieces
i counted
after you left
117 tiny cracks
i felt
you didnt look back
1017 tears spilt
you never knew

she's strong
you thought

she'll get through