so im reading this article thats titled " what really makes her happy"
an article of what women want by a woman halfway through the para ends with "ultimatly in our search for COMPLETE bliss we become totally strung out and end up not actually doing anything properly. Women!" As women, we have to make a million choices; but having chosen, we haunted by the possibilty that our choices might be incorrect........... therefore our brilliant solution to the matter ends up being ....dont choose at all !”
so0o the article was interesting but then it became abt how choices are always relative and the choices that make the happiness and basically blah-blah-bullshit
do your choixes make you happy?
ok ur seriously asking me that?!?!
choices fuck me up ...and u know that ....i make do / make believe with what i can at a time .... but since i want it ALL always im not always good with it all that.... so yea ... the choices they fuck me up
and yet without them i would suffocate in a corner and DIE!
yes you would...because breathing itself is a choice....wah wah!
no0o actually it isnt .... its an inbuilt reflex action that is quite hard to fight againist so take the wah wah stand in a corner and think abt it
standing in corner and thinking about the wah wah....
i need music to go with my life at this very point in my life ... my life is musicless ....
as is mine
and it makes me feel empty inside .... 23 and tired with life ....could i have been any one other then me
we should endeavour to search and destroy new musics by allotting then to teh strange strangeness in our respective lives .... what say you??
(im now in roza...)
time to pray...
yeaa i should pray too ....
this ramzan feels strange somehow
its sad ... but its not teh same ....
strange that you should say that....i was thinking the exact same thing yesterday for me it was the fact that i was drinking untill the last possible minute
also because everyone in diff parts of the world started on diff days
yup that too ...but more then that .... im not connecting on the level that i usually do ....
which is scary if i let myself think abt it
im going through the motions of course hoping that it will trigger something perhaps
(it scares me sometimes the way i can just go through the motions while not feeling/feeling something quite different on the inside)
its chill yaar....the older you get the more you wonder....crises of faith ahoy! Basically relax
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Saturday, September 02, 2006
her eyes
The girl in the mirror in front of me is different from the one that had been there these past 23 years. The other one, I assume, she'd found something better to do and so had left. And in her place now......left behind was this. girl.
I don't know what fascinated me about her or what fascinated her about me …but we would sit, her and I .....staring at each other for hours on end. I studied her. Thin straight wisps for eyebrows Round eyes that seem to change everyday, a small nose with one nostril slightly higher slightly different then the other. There was something flat about her face; a face that changed when she smiled. Once every few days when the sun fell at a certain angle and the air smelt right the cherub-like mouth on her would break into a small strange smile. On those days I sometimes smiled as well. And when she looked away, I would pretend to do the same while stealing secretive glances at her. Sometimes she almost looked like someone else. Someone strange. And I wondered if she had switched places with another and wondered if this was even her? It was. I'm pretty sure. But even then I would measure her features out just to be sure.
We never talked, her and I, though I considered it on several occasions. But every time I thought to say something I realized the insignificance of what I was going to say. And I thought of how that would only ruin things. Words do that you see. They ruin everything.
It's a strange cycle you get sucked into once you start playing with words. And everyone plays with words. Words aren't used to convey thoughts or even feelings like everyone thinks they are ((they couldn't possibly anyway)). They're for playing. Word play. A play on words. No one says the things they want to, only those expected of them or more often than that, things they think are expected of them. And the older you get the more necessary all this becomes. Smile, agree and move along. Anything else… an exchange of anything real … is just not worth the effort now is it? Too complicated. But things between the two of us hadn't gotten fucked up like that as yet. Not complicated. So you can see why I didn't want to ruin it.
I don't like words. And I know she doesn't either. And yet there were days when I stared into those eyes without a spark and I wondered what she thought of when she looked at me. That more then anything is what tempted me.
I don't know what fascinated me about her or what fascinated her about me …but we would sit, her and I .....staring at each other for hours on end. I studied her. Thin straight wisps for eyebrows Round eyes that seem to change everyday, a small nose with one nostril slightly higher slightly different then the other. There was something flat about her face; a face that changed when she smiled. Once every few days when the sun fell at a certain angle and the air smelt right the cherub-like mouth on her would break into a small strange smile. On those days I sometimes smiled as well. And when she looked away, I would pretend to do the same while stealing secretive glances at her. Sometimes she almost looked like someone else. Someone strange. And I wondered if she had switched places with another and wondered if this was even her? It was. I'm pretty sure. But even then I would measure her features out just to be sure.
We never talked, her and I, though I considered it on several occasions. But every time I thought to say something I realized the insignificance of what I was going to say. And I thought of how that would only ruin things. Words do that you see. They ruin everything.
It's a strange cycle you get sucked into once you start playing with words. And everyone plays with words. Words aren't used to convey thoughts or even feelings like everyone thinks they are ((they couldn't possibly anyway)). They're for playing. Word play. A play on words. No one says the things they want to, only those expected of them or more often than that, things they think are expected of them. And the older you get the more necessary all this becomes. Smile, agree and move along. Anything else… an exchange of anything real … is just not worth the effort now is it? Too complicated. But things between the two of us hadn't gotten fucked up like that as yet. Not complicated. So you can see why I didn't want to ruin it.
I don't like words. And I know she doesn't either. And yet there were days when I stared into those eyes without a spark and I wondered what she thought of when she looked at me. That more then anything is what tempted me.
3:45pm
26.08.06
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