i get a headache everytime i cry

So what do we do? What do we do?

I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got.



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You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.




('garden state')

dont read this and ask me any questions

i love him i love him i love him .... im still in love with him. i dont know if its him or the diea of him. but it is him. and no one else. else is other things not him. could never be him. else is fun for now. and another thing i could/will break.... Options. theyre endless. The endless lives i could live instead of this. break off break away. excpt i dont want to. It even feels like the perfect option. But i cant. and yet.. its still incomplete. still i dont know if it ever will be. if we'll be able to go back after everything. everything we'v done to each other. I hate this. hate feeling like this. hate making him feel like this. I told him today that i couldnt lie to him. I cant lie and say i dont love him. and i cant lie and say i can be with him. and thats it. im fucking us both over. fucking fucking fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. No one else really means anything. its all irrelevant. all timepass. Im not ready for relationships. Im not ready for the relationship that i steped into when i was 18 and that has crawled and settled quite comfortably under my skin...im not ready for its implications. Im not ready for life. If it was just me I would sort it out. But its not ofcourse hes involved as well. and how he works and what iv done to him i dont know. I want to scratch my fucking nails down a wall. maybe that will make things better. .....

I'm taking refuge in denial ...solace in distraction ....I push it to the back left hand corner of my thoughts my preoccupations .... and I hurt him ...more then hes ever been hurt before... how could he not hes never really had the chance to be hurt by anyone else before....
its all so irrelevant ...all so ... fucking fucked up ..pointless existance... circles endless designed to suffocate our lives out of us...

we ended it 9 months ago ...and have been ending it ever since..... my lifes been in pieces ...crumbling since... since long before.... i cant undo the things iv done .... and i have to see through my choices .... if it was only that easy ..... if i knew what i wanted .... im sick of the indecision im sick of being scared .... im sick of the options ...... im sick of life and how its works out. im sick of all the million little possibilities .... the million little pieces i could shatter into if you were to touch me right now .... or I you ......

im a fucking idiot
fucking cunt