They say it isn't possible.

Im skimming blogs these days and seeing people writing about making it happen when 'they say it isn't possible' .. i find myself wanting to jump on this bandwagon as well .... not to agree and say how i made it against all odds .... but rather the opposite ...

iv made it in whatever small way ...so far ... because they kept telling me it was possible ....possible for me to do anything and everything .... theyve surrounded me and encouraged me every step of the way ..... every new harebrained half baked scheme that i set my mind on .... theyve laughed at my crazy flaky overambitiousness but then told me i could do it! do it all ...everything!

and everytime ive freaked out and doubted myself they have been there to reassure me that for me anything is possible ....'they' are the ones that matter!

(iv been lucky *MASHALLAH* to have them all .... and for that im very very grateful!)

it seems like a bit much ...this beat churning through the bulbous vein-like melodies of song. absurd really if you think about it. If you breathed in this smell of my hair falling at my face now....how would it make you feel. If you sat close enough to let me breathe you in .... (I dont know know) what youre feeling..... What youre thinking of when you look (did you even look) in my direction. have i left you in the lurch. abandoned ship ... or is it irrelevent all of it ... either way ... its kind of wierd ...strange ... absurd at best. we put ourselves through these things ... and then we wonder at the wonder of it all.

back tracking

If I could (have it my way)

I'd
Switch off these lights
and I'd be

with just a sliver of something
Thrown in the darkness
In a dark room
odd circles. Circles of odds and

I'd dance with eyes closed
With arms (wrapped) around me

(keep me warm)

Moving me to the beat.
Beats. One for each
in me.

My heart (held) in the palm of a hand.
Slippery it would
Happy be.

And my hips with a life of their own would guide the legs the feet.

Breaths heavy down my neck.
Slipping lower
down
Bare shoulders would settle still
in a circle

at the small of
my back.

(document created: 26.09.06 11:36am)


Sitting stuck inside my headphones with my back to the rest of them. The music is so loud...and yet only audible to me ...that its like im drowning the world out ...drowning myself in a way ...overpowered by the sheer volume forgetting the content of these sounds. These voices (the ones in my head need a rest anyway)
The headphones are cool .... the song started and I felt as if someone had come up from behind and started singing in my ears ..... Kinda shocked me a little. I think its just the strangeness of ..... this time.....
the choices Ive made. those that I am making. Those that will stay with me forever. (those that will disappear) I wonder where these choices will lead and whether my happily ever after will even be so.
It seems I cant write. again. it seems awkward strange. These tunes playing in my head play with my thoughts and tease them out of their comfortable corners. This is the time. There will be no such other (because i don't really want to be that person do i). So I risk it. fuck it. face forward eyes open breathe in the fumes that may empower/intoxicate/suffocate me. I don't know where I will end up. I don't know whats going to become of this. Of me. I don't know anything. Right wrong love hate in between the miles the million shades of grey that I hide behind. That carry me along in these times.
That there will never be satisfaction for me. That I will never live up to it all. To all of the people that look to me to save them. To make it all better. I cant....you know ....And above that I wont. Sometimes I feel the catholic guilt from the catholic side of the family perhaps. A sinner born, a lifetime of repentance follows. Guilty for the sins of those around me. For the circumstances that surround us. For everything that I cant change for everything that I am.
I seem to make a habit of starting out with an apology. I should stop. Were all grown ups here. Arnt we. I wouldn't blame you ....

[... the rest was left unwritten...]

(document created: 30.09.06)

There are plans there are colours there are lines that stream through the underside of skin. At 23 (for a few more days) I cant afford to be shy. It might just end my life forever and do I want it to end here?

(document created: 30.09.06)



Its when I hear that music that I feel like writing that I feel like be high like slipping out of my skin and fitting myself into that slot where everything just is in a space a fragment of time frozen. Everything is surreal there everything is hazy a little fuzzy ....and oh so fine. When I drive with the sun warming the right side of my face and my hands cold. Freezing even. There used to ambitions. used to plans. Used to be something more then living in the moment. But these moments theyr ok. Not so bad. And I seem to find happiness in them. In between the melodies between the waves that crash at our feet on the edges of these rocks. I wonder about the baggage im supposed to carry ..... that which I do. I wonder about how it simply vanishes at moments like these. There is no baggage it seems at moments like these. None from the years stacked up behind me none from the days that just went past. I can escape them when I fly. It only when I come crashing down that I feel the full force of my life as it has been. But for now. This is fine. This is ok.
Inspiring even .... And its fun.

(document created: 13.10.06 1:43 pm)

'samone will live happily ever after .... and perhaps someone like me will be able to suck some of that happiness for myself .... perhaps'

(document created: 31.10.06 2:20 pm)

i get a headache everytime i cry

So what do we do? What do we do?

I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got.



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.




('garden state')

dont read this and ask me any questions

i love him i love him i love him .... im still in love with him. i dont know if its him or the diea of him. but it is him. and no one else. else is other things not him. could never be him. else is fun for now. and another thing i could/will break.... Options. theyre endless. The endless lives i could live instead of this. break off break away. excpt i dont want to. It even feels like the perfect option. But i cant. and yet.. its still incomplete. still i dont know if it ever will be. if we'll be able to go back after everything. everything we'v done to each other. I hate this. hate feeling like this. hate making him feel like this. I told him today that i couldnt lie to him. I cant lie and say i dont love him. and i cant lie and say i can be with him. and thats it. im fucking us both over. fucking fucking fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. No one else really means anything. its all irrelevant. all timepass. Im not ready for relationships. Im not ready for the relationship that i steped into when i was 18 and that has crawled and settled quite comfortably under my skin...im not ready for its implications. Im not ready for life. If it was just me I would sort it out. But its not ofcourse hes involved as well. and how he works and what iv done to him i dont know. I want to scratch my fucking nails down a wall. maybe that will make things better. .....

I'm taking refuge in denial ...solace in distraction ....I push it to the back left hand corner of my thoughts my preoccupations .... and I hurt him ...more then hes ever been hurt before... how could he not hes never really had the chance to be hurt by anyone else before....
its all so irrelevant ...all so ... fucking fucked up ..pointless existance... circles endless designed to suffocate our lives out of us...

we ended it 9 months ago ...and have been ending it ever since..... my lifes been in pieces ...crumbling since... since long before.... i cant undo the things iv done .... and i have to see through my choices .... if it was only that easy ..... if i knew what i wanted .... im sick of the indecision im sick of being scared .... im sick of the options ...... im sick of life and how its works out. im sick of all the million little possibilities .... the million little pieces i could shatter into if you were to touch me right now .... or I you ......

im a fucking idiot
fucking cunt

somethings are blogging

so im reading this article thats titled " what really makes her happy"
an article of what women want by a woman halfway through the para ends with "ultimatly in our search for COMPLETE bliss we become totally strung out and end up not actually doing anything properly. Women!" As women, we have to make a million choices; but having chosen, we haunted by the possibilty that our choices might be incorrect........... therefore our brilliant solution to the matter ends up being ....dont choose at all !”

so0o the article was interesting but then it became abt how choices are always relative and the choices that make the happiness and basically blah-blah-bullshit
do your choixes make you happy?
ok ur seriously asking me that?!?!
choices fuck me up ...and u know that ....i make do / make believe with what i can at a time .... but since i want it ALL always im not always good with it all that.... so yea ... the choices they fuck me up

and yet without them i would suffocate in a corner and DIE!
yes you would...because breathing itself is a choice....wah wah!
no0o actually it isnt .... its an inbuilt reflex action that is quite hard to fight againist so take the wah wah stand in a corner and think abt it
standing in corner and thinking about the wah wah....
i need music to go with my life at this very point in my life ... my life is musicless ....
as is mine
and it makes me feel empty inside .... 23 and tired with life ....could i have been any one other then me
we should endeavour to search and destroy new musics by allotting then to teh strange strangeness in our respective lives .... what say you??
(im now in roza...)
time to pray...
yeaa i should pray too ....
this ramzan feels strange somehow
its sad ... but its not teh same ....
strange that you should say that....i was thinking the exact same thing yesterday for me it was the fact that i was drinking untill the last possible minute
also because everyone in diff parts of the world started on diff days
yup that too ...but more then that .... im not connecting on the level that i usually do ....
which is scary if i let myself think abt it
im going through the motions of course hoping that it will trigger something perhaps
(it scares me sometimes the way i can just go through the motions while not feeling/feeling something quite different on the inside)
its chill yaar....the older you get the more you wonder....crises of faith ahoy! Basically relax

her eyes

The girl in the mirror in front of me is different from the one that had been there these past 23 years. The other one, I assume, she'd found something better to do and so had left. And in her place now......left behind was this. girl.

I don't know what fascinated me about her or what fascinated her about me …but we would sit, her and I .....staring at each other for hours on end. I studied her. Thin straight wisps for eyebrows Round eyes that seem to change everyday, a small nose with one nostril slightly higher slightly different then the other. There was something flat about her face; a face that changed when she smiled. Once every few days when the sun fell at a certain angle and the air smelt right the cherub-like mouth on her would break into a small strange smile. On those days I sometimes smiled as well. And when she looked away, I would pretend to do the same while stealing secretive glances at her. Sometimes she almost looked like someone else. Someone strange. And I wondered if she had switched places with another and wondered if this was even her? It was. I'm pretty sure. But even then I would measure her features out just to be sure.

We never talked, her and I, though I considered it on several occasions. But every time I thought to say something I realized the insignificance of what I was going to say. And I thought of how that would only ruin things. Words do that you see. They ruin everything.
It's a strange cycle you get sucked into once you start playing with words. And everyone plays with words. Words aren't used to convey thoughts or even feelings like everyone thinks they are ((they couldn't possibly anyway)). They're for playing. Word play. A play on words. No one says the things they want to, only those expected of them or more often than that, things they think are expected of them. And the older you get the more necessary all this becomes. Smile, agree and move along. Anything else… an exchange of anything real … is just not worth the effort now is it? Too complicated. But things between the two of us hadn't gotten fucked up like that as yet. Not complicated. So you can see why I didn't want to ruin it.

I don't like words. And I know she doesn't either. And yet there were days when I stared into those eyes without a spark and I wondered what she thought of when she looked at me. That more then anything is what tempted me.

3:45pm

26.08.06

WRITE DAYMNIT

right

i needed time

i got into the car alone .... they play such shit on a saturday that very soon my creative black was plugged into my ears and i was listening to that music again ... it had been a while ... the clear drops lacing their way down the window were mirrored by those running down my cheek.... here i was again ...writing on the back of a used envelope this time and making my way to another city ...... iv been here before ..... and yet in some ways iv never been here ..... never wanted to be here ....

everythings fallen apart .... and so have i ..... all the more in my own eyes .....
this is self loathing .... this is failure

---------------------------------------------------------

this place is beautiful ..... this house with its collection of things that move me ..... these people with thier connections to my history ...... there are many things i can learn .. many i may not want to....

you do not have a beloved? ...... but how do you manage that? not having some one to love?

and even though its wonderful .... my being here just doent feel right ..... not without you .... we had a pact of sorts .... but i guess i needed to come here .... see all this without you ..... for i have once before as well .....

the light in this house, the music, the shelves crammed up to the ceiling with bits and pieces and a world of collected treasures... this feeling that comes over me in a place like this .....

---------------------------------------------------------

.......and the country i dreamed of for years .... so very different from that i had built in my mind .... the people the place the language the movements ...... all so differnt .... and so am i .... my first break from everything ..... and then me breqking down ...i needed more of the sea then i got from here ....an hour isnt nearly enough to calm me down and yet it did ......

perspective over the days .... i thnk iv got some ... regqrdless of everything ..... and i dont quite have faith but im going to try and build some ..... annd maybe rebuild my self while im at it ..... fuck i sound all wise and what not ... hahah wonder how long that will last ...... ill get back to real life and watch myself falll apart again ...... (i hope not)

I'm a vindictive little bitch, truth be told!

[before]

Clementine: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

[after]

Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that.

i would have written about something else but then i abadoned him all over again

I let myself in though I know Im not supposed to but
I never know when Im done

Abandoned. its how he feels … and he doesnt understand it. And we now are stuck. slipping and sliding around in vicious tunnels/circles upon circles upon circles . (I cant be with him because he refuses to understand and he refuses to understand because I. cant. be. with. him.)

And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor round your body glistens in the shower
And I want to stay right here and go down on you for an hour
Or stay, and let the day just fade away

and I know he knows. he realizes and yet because he doesnt want to. he just doesnt (denial). and I get it because I know him I know how he gets and I want to be there for him but I cant. Because this is not where I want to be. im sorry im a bitch. selfish. but I dont want this for myself. I never did. and I just dont know how to be.

take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other
To each other
To each other

years weve spent. breathing together. every second. a moment that I remember myself alive light happy truly was a moment spent lying in a room on a bed next to you. it was light outside and we were just. together. and I was happy. truly. its been a while since/been too long…

Now her appetite is blown, little else is known
Except she a little angry, grabs a towel and looks away

And now. Youre bitter/resentful because you insist that you dont matter. never did. last on my list. Over and over and over. the same conversation. the same draining feelings. the same blog posts about the same unchanging you.

Time passes and it tells us what were left with
We become the things we do
Me Im a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but
I didnt give up on you

(I picture you singing along..a song for you)

and its not easy being me
But I cant promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And Ive just fallen back to earth
Still you know Ill try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden were stolen manners
In the days when we were one

So when I see you, despite all that weve become
Im still blinded
But Im still staring down the sun
When I see you
Im blinded

my posture has gotten so fucked up recently. I really need to work on that.

here i am ..... ending it with you again.. AGAIN... and having to be the one to say ...'its over' ..'i dont want it' again!!
and the thing is that i cant tell you how much it fucking kills me everytime i have to say it ...because if i do ... you will continue the way you have been for the past 6mths ..and we will lose any hope of ever being anything to each other ...and i will lose everything .... so i have to say goodbye to you over and over and over .... and keep cutting my arm off everytime it fucking grows back ...
you think im fine ... you think this is easy for me ..and so you say all sorts of things to me ///. and i have to take it ...and i ahve to let you or else you wont let me go.... and i cant stay here because even though this here hurts more then anything else iv known ...if i stay in this any longer ...it will suffocate me .... and i will no longer be the person you fell in love with ... shes fading fast ... and anymore of this and there will only be traces of her left behind ...

im not melodramatic ..i swear .... im just lost
.... and if only he could see ... just understand ...maybe ...just maybe it might .....but he wont ... and i have to live with that ... and i have to live ...... without him ./......

for some reason i keep thinking its july .... and its really throwing me off ....

show me yours

so iv been writing these past few days....but in little pockets of sorts..... i start off fine but then (for watever reason) i stop. ... put it away ... and the next time ...i start all over again ... so pockets. of sorts. (some draft ...others pocket) ...
Basically what that means is that now i have these little bits of conversations with myself ...strewn all over the place.... these things ... thats i could/would/want to/maybe talk or rather write about ...see ...but now. ... well now theyr strewn ...and im at a loss as to whether i should stop and gather round all my goodies ....potential pearls of wisdom even who knows ..... or fuck that shit ... and start afresh ...from scratch ....

i think its because i cant write right now. well I think i can ...obviously .... which is why i start in the firts place ... but half way down ..well ... like i mentioned ....
right now i just spent a good 7 1/2 mins on 2 paragraphs (small ones at that ... mini paras even) ... which i then deleted ... because they sucked ...ofcourse ... is that pretentious ? .... or is the fact that i asked?> that? ...

now. great ...not only am i confused ... but i dont quite know what to write. right?

so ...... move on ...move along ...
i was watching greys anatomy ... (a LOT of which has been going on lately) .... khair ... theres this one scene in which they leave the hospital and go to the dirty seedy bar across the hospital ..because its where everyone goes post call ... and there is nothing pretty or cosy or comfy or even nice about the bar r how it looks ... its just a regular bar with dim lights dirty floors sticky tables and shots ... lotss of shots ...

FUCKKKK ...what can i even say .... mcgibbinspeelpubcafecampusvinnys .... i miss it .... so muchhh... and i miss having people to go to such places with and get trashedwastedsmashed .... because that is in fact the ONLYYY purpose such a place has .... THAT the main reason people go there! and its great! no dressing no defenses no knowing every second person who walks through the door and wanting/needing desprately to look sober (while the person across from you tries the same invain) ... just because these. the people here. they are not the people. not the right people..... not the ones you can let your hair down with ..... not the ones youv danced (andimeanreallyreallydancedwithoutgivingadaymn) with ..... not the ones you can cry infront of .... . not the ones you left behind in what was once your city ... or the ones who left you and have moved now to thier own (new) cities // [ ....scattered ....strewn .... pockets ....everyone becomes]
so0o yea ....NOT the right people .... and so0o daymn many of them that too ...


(hmmm ... quite the lame post after a haitus of this long ... crap ...oh well ... :P)

(....i just need to dance daymnit!!!)

(i hate people)

(im act starting to understand the p.s. /p.p.s. thing ...cuz iv actually hit the edit button each time to add in these bracketyed bits)

(oh and by the by ....apparently brackets (parenthesis <-is this redundant here->) are 'going out of fashion'?! .. an editor i wrote an article for informed me of this ..... daymnit i like brackets .... hmph ... still hate people .... )

i dont know why im back here. but it seems like i need to be really really quiet about this. shhhhh . not a word to a soul if no one knows then maybe it will go back as silently as it came without anyone being the wiser. why dont i pray. why am i such a fucking retard? fuckkk fuckkk fuckinggg fuckk ...even the worrd dfuck doesnt seem strong enough.
im finding it hard to breathe. the air in this romm so warm so still (even though the fan is on) . so clausterphobic. breathe. steady. so i dont collapse.
steady. wrap my self into a little ball become little shrink in size ...down to a thin sliver ...so that what? so this goes away?
what the fuck do i say to her? fuck me for being me!
i still cant breathe. maybe i should inhale some smoke. that might help. maybe. fuck. fu7ck. this is pointless. this me here. sitting writing typing in a suffocating corner at the wrong end of the house. fuck.
fuck.