the only thing that made me smile yesterday....

(took a day for me to upload it ...daymn blogger)

i miss you.


...

so fucking much.




(and i cant talk to you or think of you for too long because it hurts too fucking much.everything)

CLICK ON THE LINKS!

pakistanis have been protesting for the past 4 days.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/asiapcf/02/15/pakistan.cartoons/index.html


today all the schools and universities are closed in karachi. hartal.
the same has been said for tomm. though the seriousness (read: levels of death and destruction) of the khi hartals is still to be seen....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/4718958.stm



reason? story? .... this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jyllands-Posten_Muhammad_cartoons_controversy

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/4693292.stm

http://bibelen.blogspot.com/

http://michellemalkin.com/archives/004496.htm



(and how many of those more then 10,000 out storming the streets & setting their own cities on fire, do you think, have even seen these daymn cartoons (the 12 original and 3 fake planted ones) or even know what or rather who it is they are protesting against)


what a game.


fuck.

I have nothing to say .....

And no one has anything to say to me


I made the heart with my own two hands.
(It was because they said I didn't have one)
Sanded was its frame of fiberglass down to a surface smooth and soft.
Outside. Painted
a ruby red shine
bright (to ward off buri nazars and such)
Inside. I filled
slowly and painstakingly
Soft little wisps of beautiful feeling
cheerful bubbles of laughter
and moonshine (of course)
I decorated my heart with sparkles and stars
cut out from the red/blue skies.
And I smiled
to see
the moonshine slip out from the edges and brighten up the day.
It was precious my newfound heart,
so I placed it in a box
lined it with the velvet
the softest and safe.

One day I felt it ready, ready to be set free. So I lifted my heart, took it outside and let it roll and make its own way. But then you came along (you were always there) and it just happened to come under you feet. A million red pieces now with moonshine now spilling off into the street.....


wrote this a couple of weeks ago ...dont quite know how i feel abt it ....

"I would have told her then she was the only thing that I could love in this dying world but the simple word 'love' itself already died and went away."

theres nothing i can write right now that wont sound sad. pathetic. angry. ungrateful. confused. scared. not fucking worth putting into words.

its fucking unfair. everything.
this fucking life. yes i know. who said life is fair.
but fuck. i want to be anywhere but here right now. im so fucked up. while u go out at night. out a party get smashed and forget (ur worries/me). i. i sit. at home surrounded by mine. ingulfed in a cloud of smoke. it doesnt really help. a sea of questioning faces wonder why the sad eyes? why? whats wrong? what can i say. so chin up i fake a smile and make my way through the crowd.
ready to fall down any second now. thats how exhausted i am.
but i keep myself busy. dont allow myself to think of you. but u creep in somehow. i stand straight and feel myself leaning against ur chest. ur fingers to the music tapping the side of my hips. I lie in bed face down and feel on my shoulder ur breath ur kiss. i miss those lip. ur kiss. You still make me laugh. last night. after everything uv done.
after everything. is there anything? can there be?
getting crushed under the weight of wanting to say fuck it. its fine. i dont care. but i do because i should because it wont. be fine that is. i miss the way ur eyes would fixate on mine. with that look. the look that i took away from you when i broke you before. im sorry. will you never look at me the way u did before? im sorry i had to take that away. that which you held so close. that which you built everything on. but i didnt know. how else to go on. and now it is no more. will it never come back then. is this the price we pay? for having to live in this world. real life. fuck real life. fuck this inbetween. fuck not knwing which way to go. fuck emotions. fuck rationality. fuck putting on a brave face just because people dont know how to deal with u when ur depressed. fuck sounding like a fucking movie dialogueeeeeee.... URGHHHHHHHHHHH i want someone to hit me...fucking punch me in the face please. i need to feel something other then this. this. constricting.stifling ... this!!

sigh... im feeling ok right now ... good even ... its prob the patharness .... its prob the fact that im alone and patharedness...
maybe its because i was read that....hmm daymn deja vu... have i confessed this before? ...maybe i started to ...but i would never. ..
i feel a little reckless right now ... like when youv been beaten for so long that you just dont care ... selfish... its my turn ... i dont know if id act on though ... i wonder ...if he could daymnit ...
so0o seriously ..how do i know what this is ... if this is worth it? i know i keep telling myself its not ...but fuck ....
fuck ...even i want to relax now ... "not be tied down" ... what did he think i never felt it ........ fuck him! i cant even get out the shit that im feeling ... cant write it here ... esp not here .... urghhhhh ...why do ppl get involved ... why do feelings get involved ....why does rational reason get involved ..... why does attraction get involved .... dont they knowwww ... these things cant get along ..can nott be found togetherrr .... seriously one should just be allowed one for each of the categories ... that way none gets mesed up and everyones happy .... ahhh ...no guilt no attachment no obligation no head fucks no mindgames no frustrations no fucking hangups! ... yess that wonderful wonderful thought of the parallel universe!
but no
we get this one!
great! wonderful, brill-fucking-iant ...and the wrd that i cant remeber from that show that ended in '...cunt' ... hehe ... hmmm ... make belive days ... there was none of the real wrld ...or was there and iv just painted over the yuckyness .... o0h well ... i miss the churches too ... the music from the summer ... its not depressing ..its "that mood" music .... how does it get so complicated ,...

is this it?
all the effort ur willing to make?
this
"im sorry. i fucked up. and i will never change"

thanks
babe
for all the love
thanks
for all this fucking pain

leave me
drowning

all alone
on
my own

without so much as a second glance

leave me now
fine
dont even put up
a fight

its not worth it
is it

nor am i ?

for you at least

fucking chootiya!
so0o caught up
wrapped up
in your own sack of filth
that you never even saw
the tears
streaming down my face
i faked a smile for you
and you bought it
fucking selfish
fucking chooth