it will always be me :)

well... did you?!

'That is why, in families that kept the ancient traditions, girls were not allowed to meet men until the moment of auspicious seeing, shubho drishti, when the bride and groom gave themselves to each other with their eyes. It wasn’t, as Anju said, to keep the woman ignorant and under control. The elders in their wisdom had done it to prevent heartbreak.'
- Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni [Excerpt: Sister of My Heart. Lifted from: http://pkblogs.com/expressome]


She found it uncomfortable to look directly into the eyes, of people, when she talked to them. I realize now its because when she did, she opened herself to them; an open invitation to come on in ... willing or unwilling, it seems, she gave a part of herself away when she did. Her eyes opened up in ways when he/they stared at her. She felt certain connections, sometimes, and in affection, she met the connection halfway. To her thats what it was; a connection, affection .... an experience.. but they always seemed to see/want more. (an experience .... what makes it such a bad word? to experience a thing and keep it to that .... its what life is after all .... one experience or rather one daymn thing after another) Its ______ [insert appropriate adjective] what the eyes can do, the things that are said without meaning to. ... (and whats even more is, sometimes, the things read without even being there ...)

Perhaps it was something about her eyes. Or maybe it was something about those who chose to look in.

("did you look at him in the same way?")

They say it isn't possible.

Im skimming blogs these days and seeing people writing about making it happen when 'they say it isn't possible' .. i find myself wanting to jump on this bandwagon as well .... not to agree and say how i made it against all odds .... but rather the opposite ...

iv made it in whatever small way ...so far ... because they kept telling me it was possible ....possible for me to do anything and everything .... theyve surrounded me and encouraged me every step of the way ..... every new harebrained half baked scheme that i set my mind on .... theyve laughed at my crazy flaky overambitiousness but then told me i could do it! do it all ...everything!

and everytime ive freaked out and doubted myself they have been there to reassure me that for me anything is possible ....'they' are the ones that matter!

(iv been lucky *MASHALLAH* to have them all .... and for that im very very grateful!)

it seems like a bit much ...this beat churning through the bulbous vein-like melodies of song. absurd really if you think about it. If you breathed in this smell of my hair falling at my face now....how would it make you feel. If you sat close enough to let me breathe you in .... (I dont know know) what youre feeling..... What youre thinking of when you look (did you even look) in my direction. have i left you in the lurch. abandoned ship ... or is it irrelevent all of it ... either way ... its kind of wierd ...strange ... absurd at best. we put ourselves through these things ... and then we wonder at the wonder of it all.

back tracking

If I could (have it my way)

I'd
Switch off these lights
and I'd be

with just a sliver of something
Thrown in the darkness
In a dark room
odd circles. Circles of odds and

I'd dance with eyes closed
With arms (wrapped) around me

(keep me warm)

Moving me to the beat.
Beats. One for each
in me.

My heart (held) in the palm of a hand.
Slippery it would
Happy be.

And my hips with a life of their own would guide the legs the feet.

Breaths heavy down my neck.
Slipping lower
down
Bare shoulders would settle still
in a circle

at the small of
my back.

(document created: 26.09.06 11:36am)


Sitting stuck inside my headphones with my back to the rest of them. The music is so loud...and yet only audible to me ...that its like im drowning the world out ...drowning myself in a way ...overpowered by the sheer volume forgetting the content of these sounds. These voices (the ones in my head need a rest anyway)
The headphones are cool .... the song started and I felt as if someone had come up from behind and started singing in my ears ..... Kinda shocked me a little. I think its just the strangeness of ..... this time.....
the choices Ive made. those that I am making. Those that will stay with me forever. (those that will disappear) I wonder where these choices will lead and whether my happily ever after will even be so.
It seems I cant write. again. it seems awkward strange. These tunes playing in my head play with my thoughts and tease them out of their comfortable corners. This is the time. There will be no such other (because i don't really want to be that person do i). So I risk it. fuck it. face forward eyes open breathe in the fumes that may empower/intoxicate/suffocate me. I don't know where I will end up. I don't know whats going to become of this. Of me. I don't know anything. Right wrong love hate in between the miles the million shades of grey that I hide behind. That carry me along in these times.
That there will never be satisfaction for me. That I will never live up to it all. To all of the people that look to me to save them. To make it all better. I cant....you know ....And above that I wont. Sometimes I feel the catholic guilt from the catholic side of the family perhaps. A sinner born, a lifetime of repentance follows. Guilty for the sins of those around me. For the circumstances that surround us. For everything that I cant change for everything that I am.
I seem to make a habit of starting out with an apology. I should stop. Were all grown ups here. Arnt we. I wouldn't blame you ....

[... the rest was left unwritten...]

(document created: 30.09.06)

There are plans there are colours there are lines that stream through the underside of skin. At 23 (for a few more days) I cant afford to be shy. It might just end my life forever and do I want it to end here?

(document created: 30.09.06)



Its when I hear that music that I feel like writing that I feel like be high like slipping out of my skin and fitting myself into that slot where everything just is in a space a fragment of time frozen. Everything is surreal there everything is hazy a little fuzzy ....and oh so fine. When I drive with the sun warming the right side of my face and my hands cold. Freezing even. There used to ambitions. used to plans. Used to be something more then living in the moment. But these moments theyr ok. Not so bad. And I seem to find happiness in them. In between the melodies between the waves that crash at our feet on the edges of these rocks. I wonder about the baggage im supposed to carry ..... that which I do. I wonder about how it simply vanishes at moments like these. There is no baggage it seems at moments like these. None from the years stacked up behind me none from the days that just went past. I can escape them when I fly. It only when I come crashing down that I feel the full force of my life as it has been. But for now. This is fine. This is ok.
Inspiring even .... And its fun.

(document created: 13.10.06 1:43 pm)

'samone will live happily ever after .... and perhaps someone like me will be able to suck some of that happiness for myself .... perhaps'

(document created: 31.10.06 2:20 pm)