this is going to be a long one...

Bright lights. flashes. slashes through darkness.. why wont she fucking stop that singing. He keeps saying hello. Hello. hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hellow hallow...... she says, "Lenny can you hear me?" (reminded of Tommy.. tommy can you see me? tommy can you feel me?) ... aching for a joint. even though itll be pointless. short-lived. but it'd be relief nonetheless. i wish it would actually make the shit disappear. ahhh wouldnt that be a treat. a solution. finally ....but instead i guess ill have to make do with the foggy illusion of refuge for a few hours...
... and I actually thought things would get better as time went by. thought life might get easier. yea. fuck. how is it that i can see through myself (to a painfully mindnumbing extent) in so many ways but as far as these things are concerned im almost always off the mark. God i can see myself in sittinghappy in a cloud of smoke. comfortable. smug. fug. fuck. (them).
(how i wish hiding behind my big black safety shades constituted proper work attire) ... and now certain things occurs to me (all of a sudden) (like a ton of bricks) ((what a fucking cliche)) ...... how much of a bane to your existence has it been that im not a carbon copy of every other pretty little typical pakistani girl you smile at and make inane conversations with. that i actually have opinions and am stupid enough to voice them. that i need to question things. that i question you.
"Kyun tau laraeee hoti hai" - my ustani used to say that to me everytime i asked her the reason behind some sweeping statement or the other that she was so prone to making. I was 10 maybe 11 then.. more then a decade from that point and i still havnt fucking well learnt. But i cant accept things as is. im sorry cant. just because. the way its always been. not good enough. (and i swear I don't do it to be difficult)… there needs to be a reason. something. some sort of basis for the things we do the words we repeat the rituals we practice the way we live. otherwise whats the point?! and again i don't do not fuckingwell do it because i love to argue but because i want to know. Because… well fuck how can you not!? But.. well i guess everyone doesnt take things like that .. you expct that I follow blindly like sheep. to be nice. not difficult. because you do ... and if God forbid i dont ... "I know you dont mean it but u can be rude" "I know it wasnt your intent but you were insensitive" " i guess she took it the wrong way" "you know you can get aggressive"
.... well i guess were back to the "kyun tau larai hoti hai" .....and this from those who've known me the longest.
I don't know… (to0o fucking many things I don't know) … maybe there just comes a point when youre not comfortable anymore ..when more often then not you find yourself biting your lip to contain yourself just to keep the peace and just because you realize that anything else would be an exercise in pointlessness … when youre no long on the same page and wonder whether you ever were… well when that happens then what?! well then my friends you wonder if the same will happen with every single person you meet and befriend because of late you've started seeing people for what they are (or for what you make them out to be) and you think to yourself how awful it is that you've already lost so many along the way and for fear of ending up all friendless and lonely you push aside all thoughts of moving on and desperately hang on to whatever it is you can. fucking pathetic.

then again everything seems fucking pathetic to me right now. Its everything. again. it creeps up on you know … (well on me anyway)…one day im happy (blissfully ignoring all the crap that piling up) and the next day the heap has tipped over and im flat on the floor under a pile of shit…

shit/


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Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge.
Gymnophobia- Fear of nudity.
Gynephobia or Gynophobia- Fear of women.
Hagiophobia- Fear of saints or holy things.
Hamartophobia- Fear of sinning.
Hedonophobia- Fear of feeling pleasure.
Heliophobia- Fear of the sun.