words seem to be missing these days. from my world and from thiers and i see a hazy image of myself. concious. inverted. so concious of my warped identity reflected in thier eyes. theres a girl here who's so sincere, but keeps getting it wrong anyway. I need to bring out my camera more often. click/snap at something real. I look around me and feel more useless then ever and yet unmotivated still. It'll come I keep reassuring myself. Im not ready. too young. (yea. right.) theres time to grow. (isn't there?!) how has everyone else around managed to get so far in such little time with so much less and here I am still groping in the dark taking it slow. self pity. yes you guessed it that what I use this blog for. that and to whine and whine away. and occasionally i write. when I feel like feeling the feeling of my fingers skimming keys. so now you know. now fuck off. please. thank you. have a nice day. I find myself giving explanations. justifications. reasons to talk. talktalk. keep talking. and somehow the realization/awareness that no one's interested. barely even listening. makes no difference. i talk. talk talk.
to balance the talking i sometimes stop. i say nothing. i smile. nod. listen. say nothing. even if i want to. whats the point. no one cares. just shut the fuck up. please. we all want someone to shut the fuck up. I need someone to hold me. just be here for me. i just read something abt the difference being between being needed and being wanted. i used to think i need to be needed. i realize that what i really want is to be wanted. (how dr. phil awww) liked. apreciated. not forgotten. not convenient. not nessecarily fulfilling a purpose. not coffee. not for me from now on. its green tea. sans sugar. sans... you... all this sucks. i read comics to pass the time. and i dont feel like writing anymore.