so the words have left. and the letters.... meaningless. so i have nothing to say. all this. pointless. yes; established fact. And yet. here I am once again. pouring my heart on to a blank word document... in an already failed attempt at making sense of any of this. like I said. an already failed attempt. before I even started.

what good are my words if I don't know what it is I want. (to say)

moments of clarity.
now those are really overrated. runofthemill HeadFucks disguised as epiphanies. and I should know by now. every time I come across one of these ... ..im in for it. Things happen. take their own course. Understanding. Rationalizion. Reasoning. It all falls way way short of real life. why havnt I come to terms with that as yet? ...

so I sit and talk about the things that are fucking me over and I find my lips twitching to curve up into a smile ...ironic.....and more then that 'how fucking inappropriate'! heh
or rather 'unnatural' as it has also been called. Yes quite. But Iv found that I don't quite know how to stay serious when it comes to such things... (and no I usually do not have a good sense of humor about myself)......... ((well its either this or me in a puddle of tears)) so yes. quite.

So. talking about clarity...epiphanies....the like ...'those' moments ....of 'that mood' .... its hard to define really ......but when the weather is perfect (as it is these days) and when you spend your time thinking. not in an effort to understand (for that ofcourse would be futile to say the least) but just for the sake of. ....cultivating? acceptance maybe.....?
I cant say....
Just that ironically somehow I feel inspired these days. And somehow at peace. I know you don't. you're probably as far from peace as I am from you.

I don't want to be caught in a never ending fucking saga.... not like them.
I don't want to be spinning round in unrelenting circles. vicious. I want to gather round as many life experiences as I can. I haven't much so far. So should I be apologetic then because you want to sort this NOW. Right away. because you cant live outside the prescribed lines. and as far as I'd like to run from labels and boundaries you seem to crave them. Why cant you just let it be let this slide. Why? (what a useless question for me to still be asking) I know your answer to my whys ..... its just the way you are. Period. You want to box us up so that 'we' don't slip away.
I accept that. fine. but there is only so much that I can bend. No. actually only so much I will. I understand you just fine. now I need you to try. to want. to understand. accept. think of me. (I know you will resent that) I'm sorry. And somehow im not.


My anguish and my calm swing from the roof like a fucking pendulum. Never know when ill be hit by one or the other .....God ....its been a month of perpetual pms. Fuck! (funny thing is that a month ago when the rug was pulled from under my feet....that's just what a friend of mine thought was wrong ......bad bad BAD case of pms..... It was only when he was informed otherwise 2 weeks later that he realized o0oh ...... men ....such fucktards!)

But yes..... must steer clear of the topic 'Men: Such Fucktards'.....have had enough talk time venting on the subject already. and quite a futile excercise that too.....even a quick rundown exploring the immaturehelplessfuckedupselfishbrainlessballlesschutiyas that are men would take quite a while.... so we wont go there.....

.....so instead ill listen to the lyrics, the melodies, ill buy more canvases, ill try to sort myself before I get back to you, ill hope you're trying to sort yourself too, ill work long hours and enjoy it, ill miss you and probably cry when I do, ill buy myself some paints to go with the canvases, ill start taking pictures again and hope my camera cooperates, ill bring you up in my conversations without meaning to, ill smoke, ill maybe even change my mind abt all this by tomm, ill take it as it comes,
so should you ....