somethings are blogging

so im reading this article thats titled " what really makes her happy"
an article of what women want by a woman halfway through the para ends with "ultimatly in our search for COMPLETE bliss we become totally strung out and end up not actually doing anything properly. Women!" As women, we have to make a million choices; but having chosen, we haunted by the possibilty that our choices might be incorrect........... therefore our brilliant solution to the matter ends up being ....dont choose at all !”

so0o the article was interesting but then it became abt how choices are always relative and the choices that make the happiness and basically blah-blah-bullshit
do your choixes make you happy?
ok ur seriously asking me that?!?!
choices fuck me up ...and u know that ....i make do / make believe with what i can at a time .... but since i want it ALL always im not always good with it all that.... so yea ... the choices they fuck me up

and yet without them i would suffocate in a corner and DIE!
yes you would...because breathing itself is a choice....wah wah!
no0o actually it isnt .... its an inbuilt reflex action that is quite hard to fight againist so take the wah wah stand in a corner and think abt it
standing in corner and thinking about the wah wah....
i need music to go with my life at this very point in my life ... my life is musicless ....
as is mine
and it makes me feel empty inside .... 23 and tired with life ....could i have been any one other then me
we should endeavour to search and destroy new musics by allotting then to teh strange strangeness in our respective lives .... what say you??
(im now in roza...)
time to pray...
yeaa i should pray too ....
this ramzan feels strange somehow
its sad ... but its not teh same ....
strange that you should say that....i was thinking the exact same thing yesterday for me it was the fact that i was drinking untill the last possible minute
also because everyone in diff parts of the world started on diff days
yup that too ...but more then that .... im not connecting on the level that i usually do ....
which is scary if i let myself think abt it
im going through the motions of course hoping that it will trigger something perhaps
(it scares me sometimes the way i can just go through the motions while not feeling/feeling something quite different on the inside)
its chill yaar....the older you get the more you wonder....crises of faith ahoy! Basically relax

her eyes

The girl in the mirror in front of me is different from the one that had been there these past 23 years. The other one, I assume, she'd found something better to do and so had left. And in her place now......left behind was this. girl.

I don't know what fascinated me about her or what fascinated her about me …but we would sit, her and I .....staring at each other for hours on end. I studied her. Thin straight wisps for eyebrows Round eyes that seem to change everyday, a small nose with one nostril slightly higher slightly different then the other. There was something flat about her face; a face that changed when she smiled. Once every few days when the sun fell at a certain angle and the air smelt right the cherub-like mouth on her would break into a small strange smile. On those days I sometimes smiled as well. And when she looked away, I would pretend to do the same while stealing secretive glances at her. Sometimes she almost looked like someone else. Someone strange. And I wondered if she had switched places with another and wondered if this was even her? It was. I'm pretty sure. But even then I would measure her features out just to be sure.

We never talked, her and I, though I considered it on several occasions. But every time I thought to say something I realized the insignificance of what I was going to say. And I thought of how that would only ruin things. Words do that you see. They ruin everything.
It's a strange cycle you get sucked into once you start playing with words. And everyone plays with words. Words aren't used to convey thoughts or even feelings like everyone thinks they are ((they couldn't possibly anyway)). They're for playing. Word play. A play on words. No one says the things they want to, only those expected of them or more often than that, things they think are expected of them. And the older you get the more necessary all this becomes. Smile, agree and move along. Anything else… an exchange of anything real … is just not worth the effort now is it? Too complicated. But things between the two of us hadn't gotten fucked up like that as yet. Not complicated. So you can see why I didn't want to ruin it.

I don't like words. And I know she doesn't either. And yet there were days when I stared into those eyes without a spark and I wondered what she thought of when she looked at me. That more then anything is what tempted me.

3:45pm

26.08.06

WRITE DAYMNIT

right

i needed time

i got into the car alone .... they play such shit on a saturday that very soon my creative black was plugged into my ears and i was listening to that music again ... it had been a while ... the clear drops lacing their way down the window were mirrored by those running down my cheek.... here i was again ...writing on the back of a used envelope this time and making my way to another city ...... iv been here before ..... and yet in some ways iv never been here ..... never wanted to be here ....

everythings fallen apart .... and so have i ..... all the more in my own eyes .....
this is self loathing .... this is failure

---------------------------------------------------------

this place is beautiful ..... this house with its collection of things that move me ..... these people with thier connections to my history ...... there are many things i can learn .. many i may not want to....

you do not have a beloved? ...... but how do you manage that? not having some one to love?

and even though its wonderful .... my being here just doent feel right ..... not without you .... we had a pact of sorts .... but i guess i needed to come here .... see all this without you ..... for i have once before as well .....

the light in this house, the music, the shelves crammed up to the ceiling with bits and pieces and a world of collected treasures... this feeling that comes over me in a place like this .....

---------------------------------------------------------

.......and the country i dreamed of for years .... so very different from that i had built in my mind .... the people the place the language the movements ...... all so differnt .... and so am i .... my first break from everything ..... and then me breqking down ...i needed more of the sea then i got from here ....an hour isnt nearly enough to calm me down and yet it did ......

perspective over the days .... i thnk iv got some ... regqrdless of everything ..... and i dont quite have faith but im going to try and build some ..... annd maybe rebuild my self while im at it ..... fuck i sound all wise and what not ... hahah wonder how long that will last ...... ill get back to real life and watch myself falll apart again ...... (i hope not)

I'm a vindictive little bitch, truth be told!

[before]

Clementine: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

[after]

Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that.

i would have written about something else but then i abadoned him all over again

I let myself in though I know Im not supposed to but
I never know when Im done

Abandoned. its how he feels … and he doesnt understand it. And we now are stuck. slipping and sliding around in vicious tunnels/circles upon circles upon circles . (I cant be with him because he refuses to understand and he refuses to understand because I. cant. be. with. him.)

And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor round your body glistens in the shower
And I want to stay right here and go down on you for an hour
Or stay, and let the day just fade away

and I know he knows. he realizes and yet because he doesnt want to. he just doesnt (denial). and I get it because I know him I know how he gets and I want to be there for him but I cant. Because this is not where I want to be. im sorry im a bitch. selfish. but I dont want this for myself. I never did. and I just dont know how to be.

take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other
To each other
To each other

years weve spent. breathing together. every second. a moment that I remember myself alive light happy truly was a moment spent lying in a room on a bed next to you. it was light outside and we were just. together. and I was happy. truly. its been a while since/been too long…

Now her appetite is blown, little else is known
Except she a little angry, grabs a towel and looks away

And now. Youre bitter/resentful because you insist that you dont matter. never did. last on my list. Over and over and over. the same conversation. the same draining feelings. the same blog posts about the same unchanging you.

Time passes and it tells us what were left with
We become the things we do
Me Im a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but
I didnt give up on you

(I picture you singing along..a song for you)

and its not easy being me
But I cant promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And Ive just fallen back to earth
Still you know Ill try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden were stolen manners
In the days when we were one

So when I see you, despite all that weve become
Im still blinded
But Im still staring down the sun
When I see you
Im blinded

my posture has gotten so fucked up recently. I really need to work on that.

here i am ..... ending it with you again.. AGAIN... and having to be the one to say ...'its over' ..'i dont want it' again!!
and the thing is that i cant tell you how much it fucking kills me everytime i have to say it ...because if i do ... you will continue the way you have been for the past 6mths ..and we will lose any hope of ever being anything to each other ...and i will lose everything .... so i have to say goodbye to you over and over and over .... and keep cutting my arm off everytime it fucking grows back ...
you think im fine ... you think this is easy for me ..and so you say all sorts of things to me ///. and i have to take it ...and i ahve to let you or else you wont let me go.... and i cant stay here because even though this here hurts more then anything else iv known ...if i stay in this any longer ...it will suffocate me .... and i will no longer be the person you fell in love with ... shes fading fast ... and anymore of this and there will only be traces of her left behind ...

im not melodramatic ..i swear .... im just lost
.... and if only he could see ... just understand ...maybe ...just maybe it might .....but he wont ... and i have to live with that ... and i have to live ...... without him ./......

for some reason i keep thinking its july .... and its really throwing me off ....

show me yours

so iv been writing these past few days....but in little pockets of sorts..... i start off fine but then (for watever reason) i stop. ... put it away ... and the next time ...i start all over again ... so pockets. of sorts. (some draft ...others pocket) ...
Basically what that means is that now i have these little bits of conversations with myself ...strewn all over the place.... these things ... thats i could/would/want to/maybe talk or rather write about ...see ...but now. ... well now theyr strewn ...and im at a loss as to whether i should stop and gather round all my goodies ....potential pearls of wisdom even who knows ..... or fuck that shit ... and start afresh ...from scratch ....

i think its because i cant write right now. well I think i can ...obviously .... which is why i start in the firts place ... but half way down ..well ... like i mentioned ....
right now i just spent a good 7 1/2 mins on 2 paragraphs (small ones at that ... mini paras even) ... which i then deleted ... because they sucked ...ofcourse ... is that pretentious ? .... or is the fact that i asked?> that? ...

now. great ...not only am i confused ... but i dont quite know what to write. right?

so ...... move on ...move along ...
i was watching greys anatomy ... (a LOT of which has been going on lately) .... khair ... theres this one scene in which they leave the hospital and go to the dirty seedy bar across the hospital ..because its where everyone goes post call ... and there is nothing pretty or cosy or comfy or even nice about the bar r how it looks ... its just a regular bar with dim lights dirty floors sticky tables and shots ... lotss of shots ...

FUCKKKK ...what can i even say .... mcgibbinspeelpubcafecampusvinnys .... i miss it .... so muchhh... and i miss having people to go to such places with and get trashedwastedsmashed .... because that is in fact the ONLYYY purpose such a place has .... THAT the main reason people go there! and its great! no dressing no defenses no knowing every second person who walks through the door and wanting/needing desprately to look sober (while the person across from you tries the same invain) ... just because these. the people here. they are not the people. not the right people..... not the ones you can let your hair down with ..... not the ones youv danced (andimeanreallyreallydancedwithoutgivingadaymn) with ..... not the ones you can cry infront of .... . not the ones you left behind in what was once your city ... or the ones who left you and have moved now to thier own (new) cities // [ ....scattered ....strewn .... pockets ....everyone becomes]
so0o yea ....NOT the right people .... and so0o daymn many of them that too ...


(hmmm ... quite the lame post after a haitus of this long ... crap ...oh well ... :P)

(....i just need to dance daymnit!!!)

(i hate people)

(im act starting to understand the p.s. /p.p.s. thing ...cuz iv actually hit the edit button each time to add in these bracketyed bits)

(oh and by the by ....apparently brackets (parenthesis <-is this redundant here->) are 'going out of fashion'?! .. an editor i wrote an article for informed me of this ..... daymnit i like brackets .... hmph ... still hate people .... )

i dont know why im back here. but it seems like i need to be really really quiet about this. shhhhh . not a word to a soul if no one knows then maybe it will go back as silently as it came without anyone being the wiser. why dont i pray. why am i such a fucking retard? fuckkk fuckkk fuckinggg fuckk ...even the worrd dfuck doesnt seem strong enough.
im finding it hard to breathe. the air in this romm so warm so still (even though the fan is on) . so clausterphobic. breathe. steady. so i dont collapse.
steady. wrap my self into a little ball become little shrink in size ...down to a thin sliver ...so that what? so this goes away?
what the fuck do i say to her? fuck me for being me!
i still cant breathe. maybe i should inhale some smoke. that might help. maybe. fuck. fu7ck. this is pointless. this me here. sitting writing typing in a suffocating corner at the wrong end of the house. fuck.
fuck.

no sudden moves .... you'll be fine

http://www.creaturesinmyhead.com/creature.php?date=022106

Whore
Attention: Whore
masochisticwhore
I kinda like the word 'whore'.... sometimes. I feel - -. It
feels like the blood in my veinshasjammedupandall circulation STOPed. I should be dead. Not carry on typing when the rest of me... is .... just ... so.

Giant waves of Bentota...... the ones that came tumbling hard over my head ....they took more then my shades with them.... Afforded me some calm. for a time. But the water. it came in that day.... it rushed in with all its might and shook my insides so....and I .still. havent. recovered.
Now my innermost corners are streaked with lines of rust; Red. Corrosive. They would creak if they could.... but theres no one here to move them. No one dares come close. (I would even let them if they did. I swear..... Im that desperate. Heh.)

And right now I see before me drops of red adulterated by water ..... watered down to a light .... fading against the stark ceramic white sink.....takes the edge off ....my attention off the crystals fluid over the creases of my eyes to watch the rubyRed gush down to kiss my lips ....
I dont think a nosebleed is the solution or maybe sadness and nosebleeds go hand in hand

I still smoke. a lot. sometimes alone. sometimes because it validates my being zoned. my being stoned. I feel so baked when im not that I figure I might as well be.....

and a single conversation with you still ... d.r.a.i.n.s me. drains the lifeblood from me… leaves me so that I am incapable of interaction conversation fuck even eye contact with anyone else for the next couple of hours. And yet you.... you deem yourself last on my list.... And I ... I let you ...

They spoke this Saturday. She mentioned casually that they did. And it wasnt lost on me .... the significance. On Sunday they sat together at the lunch table.... after .... a year ... maybe ... Maybe it was because there was a guest in the house....Maybe it means things are slowly going back .... So things are better really. If you look at it. than they were before. Much. Better. So then why arent I?

15.05. 2006 3:16pm

...........and you?

i want to be skin and bones but i don't have the willpower. = My right nipple itches and I'm attempting to scratch it in a public computer lab. = I like to rub guacamole all over my hairy ass and run around my house singing god save the queen. Is this wrong? = It's been months and months since he decided against me. And I know he's miserable. I am too. I want to throw myself around him and kiss his neck. And I want him to be happy. And I want to be happy. = I have to try not to laugh out loud when people make statements relating to their religion. Like, "God helps those who help themselves" or "Jesus love me". HA HA HA, LOSERS! = I am completely leading Kris on. I'm so sorry. I'm a bitch. = i feel so guilty about being with her, having sex with her and looking at her beautiful face and her eyes showing me love and i dont know how i feel about her - if its love or just a wierd kind of duty. = My friends and I saw a small frog... so we poured some gasoline on it, set it on fire, and watched a little flaming ball go hoppity, hoppity, stoppity... = im stoned i promised my self i was gonna take a break I told other people this I dont give a fuck. = Outside my window, I can hear my neighbor's children playing. They sound young, innocent, happy...It annoys the hell out of me. I want to go over and shoot their brains out. = I am really bad at hugging people. I wish i could get closer. =
i love you. you say you love me too. so why do you keep talking to him like he means more to you than i do? it seems as though i dont know you anymore. it hurts so much when you ignore me. we're supposed to love each other damnit. = i will only go to jewish or chinese doctors. they are the superior races. = i find biting and mouths and lips very sexy. i even enjoy giving head. because of this i bite my boyfriend on occasion, but it drives him nuts. hes shy about everything, even kissing, and im going crazy with frustration. i love him but if this keeps up i dont know what ill do. = sometimes i say "fruit" instead of fuck. = i want to be single again, but im also afraid of being alone. in many ways....i need him...and i hate feeling dependent, because i am an inherently independent person. = retarded people don't know they are retarded You don't feel retarded do you? = When i was about 9, i called my Grandma a lesbian! which i still regret to this day :) . = I dont tell people Im gay. Not because I am afraid they'll will hate me, but because I dont want to hear them say 'i knew it' or 'I told you so'. = I am self-destructive.and one day soon there isn't going to be much left to destroy.maybe i'm trying to be a kind of self-army... you know break myself down to rebuild me a different way...i dunno.maybe i'm just an idiot. = I don't like to look at people in the eyes. = I like to shave my balls before I play tennis. I know its strange, but it helps them breathe, and tennis is hard. = Some days I wonder if I am actually evil deep down. = i need my boyfriend to be here for me right now, to kiss me so deeply and just hold me for so long that I am the one trying to pull away. but he won't, he's not paying attention and not getting what i'm saying and the sun is streaming in through my blinds and it's making the curtain sparkle and shimmer gold, and i notice it and i wish he would notice it and appreciate it too. = i get really pissed off when people i dislike listen to the same music that i do.i don't think they understand it the way i do. = when i first had sex, i thought not of my partner.... but batman. = i fall in love too easily. = I don't usually read the really long confessions. Just the short ones. = I often wish that new phrases would be coined.When you hear something you don't like:"That sounds ankles". = I should have kissed him. His lips where so close to mine. = I collect vacuum cleaners. I wish I wasn't so damn weird. But it's also so much fun. Oh well!


www.grouphug.us

bus.
(i'm) finished
im done here

Grated down

down

to a thin
tiny
sliver
(guess what) i stand
tall

still.

For if i'd fall (honey)

i'd fall
far

far too HEAVY

for every
single
solitary
oneofyou

to catch

so squeeze the life outofme
ill gather my baggage round
smiling

Stuff it up
in
cheap plastic bags

I

will keep it now
-DontYouWorry-

Warm,
safe,

Inside a sticky
place

A bag cuddling each kidney of mine

...sigh ..... if only..

When he falls desperately in love with you because of the light that falls on your face a certain way. Or clings to you desperately because he realizes he just cant do without. There is something so grabbingly attractive about being wanted that way and then again sometimes ...just a little.....empty .......isn't it
always left wanting a little more .... something a little different to mix it up...... something a little of that which we don't/cant have.
how can I be so of 2 minds. Wanting..... no needing 2 such conflicting things ......Just wrap me up in 3 simple words 'I – don't – (fucking) know!' (no the colourful insertion does not make it 4)
23 is not a good place to get all fucking rebellious.....not now! ..... and yet ....I do things now with the justification that 'iv been a good kid so far' ..... rebellious bones always sure but never did anything wrong...... so no im not juvenile enough to think ahh lets make up for time lost.....but well .....I don't know ....whats the harm .....everyones done far worse crap ...... if I need some time off before leaping into the inevitable 'rest of my life' .......if I want some space where I need not think of anyone but me .....then fuckkkk why is that such a fucked up place to be ?!....
We still have such long way to go ....


Roles reversed :
....'you! you women you're cold. Practical. Hard hearted'
'We are not like that ......men.... we're emotional......Our decisions don't come from a practical, thought out place'

So here I am stuck with the practical brain a hard heart and yet.....still a soft spot for the soft brained men in my life ......and ofcourse a conscience (the guilty kind) to top it all ......

yes yes .....emotionalsoftcuddlywrappedinmarshmallow Men all of you ....what I want to know is how you do the no-strings-attached thing. the attachment-but-it-doesn't-mean-anything thing. The refusal-to-think-about-anyone-other-then-yourself thing. The will-love-you-more-then-any-other-breathing-thing-on-earth-but-only-on-my-own-terms thing.

Trust me. through the cloud of tears and drama down to that practical plane isn't a smooth ride. At least he knows what one thing he wants at a single point in time. At least he isn't pulled in different directions by every bone in his body.



========================



Im still very angry. Just because im being nice about it and good to you. doesn't mean you can keep running me over with your selfishness. URGHHHH why must you make this so fucking difficult!?