cranky mutterings ...

he wasnt what i had expected him to be. I guess i had known he wouldnt be but still i was a little surprised. ive been surprised before... and thats still being strung along. guess you can never tell with these things. or rather i cant tell. i can never tell. you'd think i'd be good at these things. you'd think. but yeaa. fuck. thats what i know. fuckall.
and here i am still rolling around in the puddle of indecision all over again. i dont think i'll ever really come out of it. maybe just few breaks take out a little time to get some sun but thats about it.
my heads all stuffed up .... from the nazla and the crankiness that comes with it. everythings just so................................................. so.
heh there nothing new there. nothing to say. its all the same shit rehashed over and over again that now even im bored of it. me with the issues. with the incessesant need to arrive at some form of conclusion. balance things out somehow. fuck. fuck fuck fuck.
theres more. (with me there always is) but fuck it.
whats the point of spewing if i haveto do it all the while looking over my shoulder and then writing writing writing and then deleting ... you know just incase.
fuck this fuck him fuck them fuck you. fuck the disclaimer.
(disclaimer: its the nazla and crankiness)



ps. why dont you just yank out that rod jammed up your ass!! please! trust me it will do you wonders!!

THIS IS IMPORTANT

Dawn's news report and the Daily Times report on the earthquake - the worst is NOT over, PLEASE KEEP DONATING!!!

the perils of being a photofreak

how am i so easily convinced of my own gorgeousness and voluptousness that it takes a bucketload of pics thrown at me all together to make me come to terms with the actual FAT facts ....
*groooaaaannn*
*groaaaann*
*groan*

i want to put my arms around you
and squeeze you tight
i want to kiss the side of your head
and smooth your hair

and i want to be able to tell you that you are safe and everything will be alright.....

=========================================================

within
the darkest of your shadows

know

you are not alone

for it is
in those spaces
that
you will find

a part of me
always
looking out for you

(25.10.05/4:34am)

I lay. flat. on my back, underneath a swirl of vapours and stars, encircled by rocks. I dug my toes deep into the sand and let the redgolden lights of the horizon, the fishermens’ boats, the balmy breeze and the crashing waves wash over me. I breathed it all in and let thye sand get everywhere. I even saw a shooting star.

everything

Everything….
somehow… somewhere…in all of this i lost the words. or maybe they lost me. “teeter between tired really really tired” it just seems too much much too much. and/but then you glance at the mirror over your shoulder and its all too little.
Insignificant Significant
i feel like i’m lying an inch under the surface. in a cavity that’s greybrowngrey. Guilty when I smile. Guiltier when I laugh. Guiltiest when I’m light at heart. Guilty of not suffering along with guilty of forgetfulness guilty of wishing a cloud of smoke to envelope it all…. disappear. today not the sky’s blue not the sunflowers not the venus star. none makes it alright. worth it after all. but then maybe that’s just today.
done with rolling off my back they mount. weigh me down.they cover the holes that I had cut out to breathe through. they come at me. the stories…
of…. helplessness psychosis. molestation. jealousy. loneliness. depression. anxiety. cancer. brain tumor. pregnancy. abortion. rage. suffocation. amputation without anesthesia. devastation. murder. rape. schizophrenia. hunger. rubble. heart attack. bribery. harassment. epilepsy. rage. death. assault and battery. arthritis. gun shots. loss upon loss. multiple sclerosis. paranoia. hysteria. the Complete and utter Helplessness…..

we build bubbles you and i. only to watch each one burst. one after the other. we watch helplessly as the security blankets once knit so lovingly are wrenched out of our fingers. come undone. and the thing is im scared……

……. will I be able to?

(22.10.05/12:32pm)

this is it … the end … end of the innocence …. End of everything ….Sane. everything will be downhill from this point on. or maybe it always was and we were just too busy looking up to realize. but now. Now we have no where else to look … now that all of what we once looked up to is now rubble at our feet. Now what. What other then look down. down at the long long road ahead.
So much changes in …. sometimes in the years that lead up to those moments where it all finally breaks down… and sometimes those moments where everything just slips away.

sigh* …….. fuck such a long way to go…. if only we had a clue abt where it is we're headed.
…and if we can really hack it.

.

Donate to Pakistan's Earthquake Relief Fund

In response to the devastating earthquake in South Asia I urge anyone who can to kindly donate money, supplies, and/or their time towards the relief efforts. A sustained and concerted effort is required to help rehabilitate the regions and people worst affected by this unfortunate disaster. Please give generously!! Every little bit helps!

=============================================================
- Mir Khalil UR Rehman Foundation
Account Title MKRF - Pakistan Earthquake Relief FundBank Name United Bank LimitedAccount No. 0102598-5
Branch Code 1234
Branch Name Al-Rehman Branch
Branch Address I. I. Chundrigar Road, Karachi , Pakistan
(Donations can be deposited in any branch of UBL in Pakistan with the above details)

For international telegraphic transfer from any bank abroad also indicate
Swift Code U N I L P K KA

- Khawaja Gareeb Nawaz Trust Account # 010-4843-0 United Bank Limited (advertised on Ary Digital)

- Help Pakistan

-All Mobilink and Ufone users - SMS the word Donate to 436. Rs.3 will be deducted from your balance and given towards the relief fund.

- Sergi organization.their tent is in front of Lal QILA

- Bilal Masjid, New Garden Town, Lahore, is collecting monetray and/or Material donations.
===================================================================
Donations may also be made through major Humanitarian and Charitable organizations

Edhi Foundation
Karachi - 021-2201261
Lahore - 042 - 5414211
Islamabad - 051 - 2827844
Multan - 061 - 4583906 / 4549938
Quetta - 081 - 2830832 / 2830861

Fatamid Foundation
Dr. Sagher - 021-2225285 / 0300 - 9210647

Ansar Burney Welfare Trust
Sarim Burney - 0300 - 8243459 / 0301 - 8243459

Rotaract Club 3270
Lahore:Natash Ali Mian - 0300 - 9464209 Farooq Abdul Qadir - 0333 - 4227114
Karachi: Ali Hafeez - 0333 - 2298048

National Academy of Youth Trust
Mrs. Samina - 0333 - 3114726

Khidmat - e - Khalq Foundation
Karachi - 021 - 6328464

Al Khidmat Foundation
Lahore - 042 - 5433038
Islamabad - 051 - 2277343 / 2877933

The SOS Children�s Villages of Pakistan
Islamabad - 051-2201125
Lahore - 042-5866546

Unicef
International Red Cross
Mensa Pakistan Disaster Relief Fund
Islamic Circle of North America (ICNA)
SA Tribune: Sending donations if you live abroad
Lahore University of Management Sciences' Charity Drive


AMAL is trying to link up with two NGOs, Islamic Relief and Sungi working in Azad Jammu Kashmir and Abbottabad. The drop-off point for donations is the AMAL office located at #7, St. 62, G-6/4, Islamabad. In case of questions you can contact Nighat Rizvi on (+92) 0300 5003175, Imran Rizvi on (+92) 0300 8551208 and Mehrunnisa Yusuf on (+92) 0300 5002657. Please donate the following items* Clothes, shoes
* Dry food items such as lentils, sugar, [powdered] milk etc
* Basic medicines and medical supplies�
* Blankets and pillows
* TentsNO PERISHABLE ITEMS and NO MONETARY CONTRIBUTIONS


The Karachi Metblog, Lahore Metblog, Madadkaro.org and Pakistan Earthquake 2005 are posting news updates and details of charity drives constantly.

little fat balls
between
the spaces and time
that we rolled around in
that we let bounce along
split them

open

semicircles
half hemispheres

take a peek
can i just a look let me see
while you
run along the side of it
your legs long
mean

and shrug mean
making a muck of
that
look
the one that bore through
tore
the spaces in between

that time

(06/10/05 - 10:30am)

"He wanted to think that he was paralyzed. He knew that he was violently alive, that he was forcing the stupor into his muscles and into his mind, because he wished to escape the responsibility of consciousness."

-- Ayn Rand 'The Fountainhead'

(half way through the bk and quite engrossed :P ... quite the intense)

do you

 

Stop?

            everything.

 

when you walk

 

    straight

 concentrate

 

those narrow lanes

dont you stray

one foot

behind the other

 

Oh brother. what a Bother

&

              yet

 

trudge along

it Must be Done

 

one foot and then the other 

 

traces of steel on my tongue.. what is that taste... my internet doesnt like or blogger.... or it does and it just doesnt like my blogging ... either way i cant comment or post ... it just keeps taking my posts and greedily piling them up unwilling to share... theyr really not all that ... hahah maybe thats what it is .....

hmmmmm .... bzzzzttt ....

so0o iv given in.... im usually so good about it. better then most... i used to pride myself on it... and here i am at 9:39 pm having insolently slept the day away ... and im still not done yet ... this is just a food break .. heheh why does sleeping become such a force here ... i love it! ...

urghhh im GROGGYYY ...urghhh grughhh blarghhh .... frowning groggmuchness ... i hope they dont try to make conversation ... though im sure they will ... family .... the father and daughter came in to chek up on me ... they stood together and looked down at me bundled up in a jumble of blankets... "look at that big frown" "shes so0o cuteee" and a big kisss ... i frowned on and mumbled an incoherent grumble while they stood smiling over me......i heart family :)

nights are still a violent shock of dreams... and even though i wake up not remebering a single one i know these nights have been busy ones... i think iv involuntarily become a dream whore ... a name a thing a subject has barely to be mentioned and i end up dreaming about it .... my dreams unnerve me sometimes ... sometimes ...i dont know .... how far should you follow dreams? ... how far do they follow you? ....

God this has to stop ..."this has got to stop" .... really now someone has to give me job so i can get on with it and not be blogging random randomness at 5:21 in the am ... 'really now young lady this isnt becoming' ... hehe (im making it up as i go along)...somehow bumness here is completely inappropriate ... a little unbearable even ... and yet i can feel myself slipping into it slowly sneakily ...no! daymnit! stop it! now!

hmmmm maybe ill go watch a film now ... maybe bunty aur babliii .... finally ....

change these fairytales
that we chase after so
building blocks
come crashing down

and we build our castles up high in wavy skies
step through those tall doors and
fall
through
down
a thousand feet & four in the breath of sigh
 
======================================================

sorry girl
doesn�t work that way
i know its what they fed you 
but the lullabies were just words strung up on a tune
so go
smoke a cigarette or those blues away
fix up your hair and
the broken smile lying across that room

======================================================

~
watch them chase their happilyeverafters that they think they�re so owed

clouds at night .... a multitude of stars in the sky .... and a little version of me talking about how she thinks the sky is the coolest thing ever..she used to think that clouds were till she realized that they were a part of the sky .... :)))