Note to self: Stop saying aloud whats on mind! Stop it! Stop speaking! Now!
No one wants to hear it!

If you place a frog in boiling water, it will jump right back out. But if you put the frog in cold water and heat it gradually, it will sit there and slowly roast alive. Science Teacher

I read this line and in light of recent events I felt like it was talking to me. yes im that retarded. yes im moophat ...(hahhaha mooooo phat! Get it ....hahah) but no. im muuphat.... must to stop big mouth must to learn to be polite not rude. Diplomatic not obnoxious.

"perhaps it may also be the way u say things coz u do at times mean well but when u say it just doesnt come out the way u mean it"

hmmmm must also learn to accept critisim gracefully and work on it. Its about time.
Grrr....
.... grrrroaaannn*

guys can be such fucking chutiyas. and theyre even bigger chutiyas when it comes to girls. more often than not its over the Wrong Girl. And even more often than that its over the Unavailable Girl or the Its-Never-Going-to-Happen Girl. it doesnt matter if the guys normal, nice, sweet, intelligent or even a total harami. once the chutiyapa catches up ... Its over!
theres a guy who flies out of the country, armed with the eyeliner she wanted, the t-shirts she really liked and the jewelry he thinks would look really good on her
the guy whos been in love with his best friend for over 2 years and has done everything possible to distance himself
the guy who flew across Pakistan to attend the wedding of the girl he loves, because he felt that he should be there for the most significant occasion of her life
the guy who sat and consoled her boyfriend the day after the girl they both loved left for another country
the guy who would do anything for her even though they broke up 4 years ago and shes been seeing someone else for the past 2 ½ yrs
the guy who keeps hoping that their msn conversations would amount to something more but they never do
urghhhh and it just goes on... anyhooo I was at some point going somewhere with this rant …but it all seems quite pointless...i hate men!

*****
***
*

and then when i ask what the point of pursuing this is ...
he says, "im not really pursuing it but i know i wont feel like this forever because i cant or its pointless or whatever... so i might as well show her how i feel while i still feel it."
struck silent by the sweetness and simplicity of his statemnt i try to think of something else we can talk about

Danae

-- Klimt, Gustav

words seem to be missing these days. from my world and from thiers and i see a hazy image of myself. concious. inverted. so concious of my warped identity reflected in thier eyes. theres a girl here who's so sincere, but keeps getting it wrong anyway. I need to bring out my camera more often. click/snap at something real. I look around me and feel more useless then ever and yet unmotivated still. It'll come I keep reassuring myself. Im not ready. too young. (yea. right.) theres time to grow. (isn't there?!) how has everyone else around managed to get so far in such little time with so much less and here I am still groping in the dark taking it slow. self pity. yes you guessed it that what I use this blog for. that and to whine and whine away. and occasionally i write. when I feel like feeling the feeling of my fingers skimming keys. so now you know. now fuck off. please. thank you. have a nice day. I find myself giving explanations. justifications. reasons to talk. talktalk. keep talking. and somehow the realization/awareness that no one's interested. barely even listening. makes no difference. i talk. talk talk.
to balance the talking i sometimes stop. i say nothing. i smile. nod. listen. say nothing. even if i want to. whats the point. no one cares. just shut the fuck up. please. we all want someone to shut the fuck up. I need someone to hold me. just be here for me. i just read something abt the difference being between being needed and being wanted. i used to think i need to be needed. i realize that what i really want is to be wanted. (how dr. phil awww) liked. apreciated. not forgotten. not convenient. not nessecarily fulfilling a purpose. not coffee. not for me from now on. its green tea. sans sugar. sans... you... all this sucks. i read comics to pass the time. and i dont feel like writing anymore.

empty it is
without you
stretched out (the) road/s
ahead

all the more daunting now that im at the wheel
and on my own.

Winters are always a novelty in this city (even after 23.2 years). A novelty Like the afternoon sun between 4 & 5 pm, casting a light which makes all faces look beautiful. perfect. i sit here hugging my knees. listening. my body sways ever so slightly to the music. colours change as shadows rise and fall and i strain to catch if only a fragment of whispered secrets. the words, i barely even understand them. and despite the peculiarity of their patterns, the sounds are as known to me as my own beginnings. they are home. inscribed somehow within me. and were you to stretch my skin and turn it inside out you'd see just how deep they run. the markings. engraved from the inside.

suffering from a distressing case of LDR

first off .. kudos to all those poor retards who have had the misfortune to experience and more so to those who have actually survived the wonderous wonders of "long distance relationships"
... suddenly the terms:
unbearable
aching heart
gaping hole
excruciating
to long for
heartbreaking
pining
dull pain
pangs
agonizing
heartwrenching
and ofcourse
chinese torture
have taken on a new more real meaning .... and the best part ... im pretty much doing this to myself not because im a fucking sado-masochist (which im sure i am on some level or the other) but well you gotta do what you gotta do ..even if it fucking well kills you (which this is.. slow slow slowly) urghhhhhhhh surprise surprise even screaming your heart out into a pillow does not make this any easier!! so0o yea secondly to all of you who were stupid enough to put yourself in the position how the fuck did you do it?!!? and why is it that all of a sudden when some one says "yea i can imagine long dist must be quite difficult" you smile sadly and nod (like you do when talking about some tragic event or the other) all the while wanting to tear off their silly little head and say "No you fucking retard you cant imagine! it isnt just difficult its fucking torture and consider yourself lucky you havnt a clue about it!!!!"
*phew.... good to get that off my chest! but then again maybe thats just me!! yeaaa ive been a little distraught lately ... hah and whats brilliant is that this really isnt anything ... which just makes me think what the fuck will happen to me if im faced with actual shit ...

Sheriff's deputy Andy McDowell was forced to live a parent's worst
nightmare twice in a matter of minutes After he was taken to
the site where one of his two sons was killed in a car crash early
Wednesday, McDowell was driven past another fatal accident. Only later did
he learn that the fiery wreck took the life of his only other child.

fuck. :(

Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright

They covered the song yesterday and I pushed the tears back inside…pressed down my lips and sang along…repeating the words to myself over and over and over…

this is going to be a long one...

Bright lights. flashes. slashes through darkness.. why wont she fucking stop that singing. He keeps saying hello. Hello. hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hellow hallow...... she says, "Lenny can you hear me?" (reminded of Tommy.. tommy can you see me? tommy can you feel me?) ... aching for a joint. even though itll be pointless. short-lived. but it'd be relief nonetheless. i wish it would actually make the shit disappear. ahhh wouldnt that be a treat. a solution. finally ....but instead i guess ill have to make do with the foggy illusion of refuge for a few hours...
... and I actually thought things would get better as time went by. thought life might get easier. yea. fuck. how is it that i can see through myself (to a painfully mindnumbing extent) in so many ways but as far as these things are concerned im almost always off the mark. God i can see myself in sittinghappy in a cloud of smoke. comfortable. smug. fug. fuck. (them).
(how i wish hiding behind my big black safety shades constituted proper work attire) ... and now certain things occurs to me (all of a sudden) (like a ton of bricks) ((what a fucking cliche)) ...... how much of a bane to your existence has it been that im not a carbon copy of every other pretty little typical pakistani girl you smile at and make inane conversations with. that i actually have opinions and am stupid enough to voice them. that i need to question things. that i question you.
"Kyun tau laraeee hoti hai" - my ustani used to say that to me everytime i asked her the reason behind some sweeping statement or the other that she was so prone to making. I was 10 maybe 11 then.. more then a decade from that point and i still havnt fucking well learnt. But i cant accept things as is. im sorry cant. just because. the way its always been. not good enough. (and i swear I don't do it to be difficult)… there needs to be a reason. something. some sort of basis for the things we do the words we repeat the rituals we practice the way we live. otherwise whats the point?! and again i don't do not fuckingwell do it because i love to argue but because i want to know. Because… well fuck how can you not!? But.. well i guess everyone doesnt take things like that .. you expct that I follow blindly like sheep. to be nice. not difficult. because you do ... and if God forbid i dont ... "I know you dont mean it but u can be rude" "I know it wasnt your intent but you were insensitive" " i guess she took it the wrong way" "you know you can get aggressive"
.... well i guess were back to the "kyun tau larai hoti hai" .....and this from those who've known me the longest.
I don't know… (to0o fucking many things I don't know) … maybe there just comes a point when youre not comfortable anymore ..when more often then not you find yourself biting your lip to contain yourself just to keep the peace and just because you realize that anything else would be an exercise in pointlessness … when youre no long on the same page and wonder whether you ever were… well when that happens then what?! well then my friends you wonder if the same will happen with every single person you meet and befriend because of late you've started seeing people for what they are (or for what you make them out to be) and you think to yourself how awful it is that you've already lost so many along the way and for fear of ending up all friendless and lonely you push aside all thoughts of moving on and desperately hang on to whatever it is you can. fucking pathetic.

then again everything seems fucking pathetic to me right now. Its everything. again. it creeps up on you know … (well on me anyway)…one day im happy (blissfully ignoring all the crap that piling up) and the next day the heap has tipped over and im flat on the floor under a pile of shit…

shit/


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Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge.
Gymnophobia- Fear of nudity.
Gynephobia or Gynophobia- Fear of women.
Hagiophobia- Fear of saints or holy things.
Hamartophobia- Fear of sinning.
Hedonophobia- Fear of feeling pleasure.
Heliophobia- Fear of the sun.

I wish I could write more about my days, my thoughts, my friends, my world. But somehow I tend to volunteer much too much information and that’s not always a good thing. Even though some may refuse to believe it I don’t like to secretify. Then again somehow it just happens with me. Well anyhoo … feeling quite the creatively stumped. There’s an image of a person with a tree in the place of hair… stump for a head if you cut that thing off.
Tight schedules and all. The summer spoilt me.
I have half a song of winners by k’s choice. Just the first verse over and over. I want the rest but cant have it now. Want to hear the whole song but its just not an option what to do. “can I touch you there” plays over and over. Haha how fucking inappropriate. Brilliant. Sitting. O0ohh ouch daymnn .. just read the latest soferwrld strip .. urghhh not niceness at all…


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Gamophobia- Fear of marriage.
Geliophobia- Fear of laughter.
Geniophobia- Fear of chins
Genuphobia- Fear of knees.
Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old.
Glossophobia- Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.