iv been pushed .... violently ... in a direction.
and im hoping its the right one! :)
so this ends here.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
its pouring outside and i have nowhere to go
(and even after restarting it takes me over a mth to come up with something .....anything ....)
its been two years and its all still the same.... the city hasnt changed one bit. The same places, roads, signs, even people.... the guy at my dep, the fat waitress at mcgibbins, the lady behind the counter at jmsb, the salesgirl at the store down the road..... even the bums down on st. catherine...
whats changed really is me.... us ....all of us. we'v changed so much that you couldnt place us even if you squinted really hard and tilted your head sideways... (sideways sideways sideways.... :)... memories of a different era)
walking down the street sometimes i turn a corner and sometimes wonder if i stopped. and walked backwards if could i go back to that day that year when we were all walking down this street together .....(at night in the rain down to the dep to buy chocolate)
....and if i stayed still. here for long enough.... could i too become like the city.... still.... unchanging.
but that could never happen.
were so different now. so far removed. even those that stayed here.
lives move on ..... everything always changes.
2 years away and i come back to these streets and i feel a strange sense of nostalgia. Its like a ghost town in a way. stuck in time. with transparent memories of those that were floating up and down these streets. theyr not dead ....my friends... those moments... our memories. So then why does it feel so ....just so.
this. my home away from home.... yet iv never felt like this in khi. i guess iv never been away from it for this long. and i guess khi changes so much in a fortnight that change there is something one gets accustommed to .... its this sameness thats unfamiliar.
...but really
its good to be back. :)
its been two years and its all still the same.... the city hasnt changed one bit. The same places, roads, signs, even people.... the guy at my dep, the fat waitress at mcgibbins, the lady behind the counter at jmsb, the salesgirl at the store down the road..... even the bums down on st. catherine...
whats changed really is me.... us ....all of us. we'v changed so much that you couldnt place us even if you squinted really hard and tilted your head sideways... (sideways sideways sideways.... :)... memories of a different era)
walking down the street sometimes i turn a corner and sometimes wonder if i stopped. and walked backwards if could i go back to that day that year when we were all walking down this street together .....(at night in the rain down to the dep to buy chocolate)
....and if i stayed still. here for long enough.... could i too become like the city.... still.... unchanging.
but that could never happen.
were so different now. so far removed. even those that stayed here.
lives move on ..... everything always changes.
2 years away and i come back to these streets and i feel a strange sense of nostalgia. Its like a ghost town in a way. stuck in time. with transparent memories of those that were floating up and down these streets. theyr not dead ....my friends... those moments... our memories. So then why does it feel so ....just so.
this. my home away from home.... yet iv never felt like this in khi. i guess iv never been away from it for this long. and i guess khi changes so much in a fortnight that change there is something one gets accustommed to .... its this sameness thats unfamiliar.
...but really
its good to be back. :)
Thursday, May 31, 2007
its been dead for so long.
i havnt written consistently in over a year.
I know...because I just skimmed through two years worth of writing on my part. And its all gone now.... no new words seem to spew from me anymore :S..... But i need to start again.bus. I need stories. I need to create something out of nothing again. And even though I have been doing that in other ways. I'd hate the thought of words (or anyone really) leaving me.
So im thinking ill start again. From scratch (in a way) ....
I was thinking of letting this one go and starting afresh. But then i thought if im not fresh...then why should my blog be :)
i havnt written consistently in over a year.
I know...because I just skimmed through two years worth of writing on my part. And its all gone now.... no new words seem to spew from me anymore :S..... But i need to start again.bus. I need stories. I need to create something out of nothing again. And even though I have been doing that in other ways. I'd hate the thought of words (or anyone really) leaving me.
So im thinking ill start again. From scratch (in a way) ....
I was thinking of letting this one go and starting afresh. But then i thought if im not fresh...then why should my blog be :)
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Personal Space please
[a rant from the work place to kick off the new year]
the black and orange comfort of my cublicle has been painted over a sterile white accompanied by a toxic smell which seems to be eating out my insides.... (or maybe im just in a melodramatic place ..... but the sterile thing is definatly not helping....)
And then this girl (or bitch whichever you prefer) from the other side, decides that my newly castrated work station is the perfect place for her to place her disproportionate behind and to consume food that will no doubt add to her already inflated proportions. Now im a relatively considerate person in work place (emphasis on relatively ofcourse) ....but if your going to be sitting ur ass on my DESK and have the nerve to suggest that I continue working while you finish lunch ... well honey that is just isn't going to happen. I dont care if there are no space left on God's green earth for you to have lunch on or if you have to pry a chair from the hands of a corpse in order to make some space for yourself...Get-the-FUCK-OFF-MY-DESK-BITCH! And fast!
Sigh ...and the worst of it is the looks of indignation, no less ....at the idea that i am not comfortable with having your ugly ass inches away from my face while you eat fucking saalan .... what the fuckkkk?!?!!? honestly ...as far as someone like you in concerned ...i really dont give a daymn! Pile on the bad karma go ahead! But if you havnt an ounce of decency/work ethic/respect then you could be eating of the fucking floor for all i care ....as long as its not the floor under, near or around my fucking desk!!!!!
the black and orange comfort of my cublicle has been painted over a sterile white accompanied by a toxic smell which seems to be eating out my insides.... (or maybe im just in a melodramatic place ..... but the sterile thing is definatly not helping....)
And then this girl (or bitch whichever you prefer) from the other side, decides that my newly castrated work station is the perfect place for her to place her disproportionate behind and to consume food that will no doubt add to her already inflated proportions. Now im a relatively considerate person in work place (emphasis on relatively ofcourse) ....but if your going to be sitting ur ass on my DESK and have the nerve to suggest that I continue working while you finish lunch ... well honey that is just isn't going to happen. I dont care if there are no space left on God's green earth for you to have lunch on or if you have to pry a chair from the hands of a corpse in order to make some space for yourself...Get-the-FUCK-OFF-MY-DESK-BITCH! And fast!
Sigh ...and the worst of it is the looks of indignation, no less ....at the idea that i am not comfortable with having your ugly ass inches away from my face while you eat fucking saalan .... what the fuckkkk?!?!!? honestly ...as far as someone like you in concerned ...i really dont give a daymn! Pile on the bad karma go ahead! But if you havnt an ounce of decency/work ethic/respect then you could be eating of the fucking floor for all i care ....as long as its not the floor under, near or around my fucking desk!!!!!
Monday, November 27, 2006
Saturday, November 25, 2006
well... did you?!
'That is why, in families that kept the ancient traditions, girls were not allowed to meet men until the moment of auspicious seeing, shubho drishti, when the bride and groom gave themselves to each other with their eyes. It wasn’t, as Anju said, to keep the woman ignorant and under control. The elders in their wisdom had done it to prevent heartbreak.'
- Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni [Excerpt: Sister of My Heart. Lifted from: http://pkblogs.com/expressome]
She found it uncomfortable to look directly into the eyes, of people, when she talked to them. I realize now its because when she did, she opened herself to them; an open invitation to come on in ... willing or unwilling, it seems, she gave a part of herself away when she did. Her eyes opened up in ways when he/they stared at her. She felt certain connections, sometimes, and in affection, she met the connection halfway. To her thats what it was; a connection, affection .... an experience.. but they always seemed to see/want more. (an experience .... what makes it such a bad word? to experience a thing and keep it to that .... its what life is after all .... one experience or rather one daymn thing after another) Its ______ [insert appropriate adjective] what the eyes can do, the things that are said without meaning to. ... (and whats even more is, sometimes, the things read without even being there ...)
Perhaps it was something about her eyes. Or maybe it was something about those who chose to look in.
("did you look at him in the same way?")
- Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni [Excerpt: Sister of My Heart. Lifted from: http://pkblogs.com/expressome]
She found it uncomfortable to look directly into the eyes, of people, when she talked to them. I realize now its because when she did, she opened herself to them; an open invitation to come on in ... willing or unwilling, it seems, she gave a part of herself away when she did. Her eyes opened up in ways when he/they stared at her. She felt certain connections, sometimes, and in affection, she met the connection halfway. To her thats what it was; a connection, affection .... an experience.. but they always seemed to see/want more. (an experience .... what makes it such a bad word? to experience a thing and keep it to that .... its what life is after all .... one experience or rather one daymn thing after another) Its ______ [insert appropriate adjective] what the eyes can do, the things that are said without meaning to. ... (and whats even more is, sometimes, the things read without even being there ...)
Perhaps it was something about her eyes. Or maybe it was something about those who chose to look in.
("did you look at him in the same way?")
Thursday, November 23, 2006
They say it isn't possible.
Im skimming blogs these days and seeing people writing about making it happen when 'they say it isn't possible' .. i find myself wanting to jump on this bandwagon as well .... not to agree and say how i made it against all odds .... but rather the opposite ...
iv made it in whatever small way ...so far ... because they kept telling me it was possible ....possible for me to do anything and everything .... theyve surrounded me and encouraged me every step of the way ..... every new harebrained half baked scheme that i set my mind on .... theyve laughed at my crazy flaky overambitiousness but then told me i could do it! do it all ...everything!
and everytime ive freaked out and doubted myself they have been there to reassure me that for me anything is possible ....'they' are the ones that matter!
(iv been lucky *MASHALLAH* to have them all .... and for that im very very grateful!)
iv made it in whatever small way ...so far ... because they kept telling me it was possible ....possible for me to do anything and everything .... theyve surrounded me and encouraged me every step of the way ..... every new harebrained half baked scheme that i set my mind on .... theyve laughed at my crazy flaky overambitiousness but then told me i could do it! do it all ...everything!
and everytime ive freaked out and doubted myself they have been there to reassure me that for me anything is possible ....'they' are the ones that matter!
(iv been lucky *MASHALLAH* to have them all .... and for that im very very grateful!)
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
it seems like a bit much ...this beat churning through the bulbous vein-like melodies of song. absurd really if you think about it. If you breathed in this smell of my hair falling at my face now....how would it make you feel. If you sat close enough to let me breathe you in .... (I dont know know) what youre feeling..... What youre thinking of when you look (did you even look) in my direction. have i left you in the lurch. abandoned ship ... or is it irrelevent all of it ... either way ... its kind of wierd ...strange ... absurd at best. we put ourselves through these things ... and then we wonder at the wonder of it all.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
back tracking
If I could (have it my way)
I'd
Switch off these lights
and I'd be
with just a sliver of something
Thrown in the darkness
In a dark room
odd circles. Circles of odds and
I'd dance with eyes closed
With arms (wrapped) around me
(keep me warm)
Moving me to the beat.
Beats. One for each
in me.
My heart (held) in the palm of a hand.
Slippery it would
Happy be.
And my hips with a life of their own would guide the legs the feet.
Breaths heavy down my neck.
Slipping lower
down
Bare shoulders would settle still
in a circle
at the small of
my back.
(document created: 26.09.06 11:36am)
Sitting stuck inside my headphones with my back to the rest of them. The music is so loud...and yet only audible to me ...that its like im drowning the world out ...drowning myself in a way ...overpowered by the sheer volume forgetting the content of these sounds. These voices (the ones in my head need a rest anyway)
The headphones are cool .... the song started and I felt as if someone had come up from behind and started singing in my ears ..... Kinda shocked me a little. I think its just the strangeness of ..... this time.....
the choices Ive made. those that I am making. Those that will stay with me forever. (those that will disappear) I wonder where these choices will lead and whether my happily ever after will even be so.
It seems I cant write. again. it seems awkward strange. These tunes playing in my head play with my thoughts and tease them out of their comfortable corners. This is the time. There will be no such other (because i don't really want to be that person do i). So I risk it. fuck it. face forward eyes open breathe in the fumes that may empower/intoxicate/suffocate me. I don't know where I will end up. I don't know whats going to become of this. Of me. I don't know anything. Right wrong love hate in between the miles the million shades of grey that I hide behind. That carry me along in these times.
That there will never be satisfaction for me. That I will never live up to it all. To all of the people that look to me to save them. To make it all better. I cant....you know ....And above that I wont. Sometimes I feel the catholic guilt from the catholic side of the family perhaps. A sinner born, a lifetime of repentance follows. Guilty for the sins of those around me. For the circumstances that surround us. For everything that I cant change for everything that I am.
I seem to make a habit of starting out with an apology. I should stop. Were all grown ups here. Arnt we. I wouldn't blame you ....
[... the rest was left unwritten...]
(document created: 30.09.06)
There are plans there are colours there are lines that stream through the underside of skin. At 23 (for a few more days) I cant afford to be shy. It might just end my life forever and do I want it to end here?
(document created: 30.09.06)
Its when I hear that music that I feel like writing that I feel like be high like slipping out of my skin and fitting myself into that slot where everything just is in a space a fragment of time frozen. Everything is surreal there everything is hazy a little fuzzy ....and oh so fine. When I drive with the sun warming the right side of my face and my hands cold. Freezing even. There used to ambitions. used to plans. Used to be something more then living in the moment. But these moments theyr ok. Not so bad. And I seem to find happiness in them. In between the melodies between the waves that crash at our feet on the edges of these rocks. I wonder about the baggage im supposed to carry ..... that which I do. I wonder about how it simply vanishes at moments like these. There is no baggage it seems at moments like these. None from the years stacked up behind me none from the days that just went past. I can escape them when I fly. It only when I come crashing down that I feel the full force of my life as it has been. But for now. This is fine. This is ok.
Inspiring even .... And its fun.
(document created: 13.10.06 1:43 pm)
I'd
Switch off these lights
and I'd be
with just a sliver of something
Thrown in the darkness
In a dark room
odd circles. Circles of odds and
I'd dance with eyes closed
With arms (wrapped) around me
(keep me warm)
Moving me to the beat.
Beats. One for each
in me.
My heart (held) in the palm of a hand.
Slippery it would
Happy be.
And my hips with a life of their own would guide the legs the feet.
Breaths heavy down my neck.
Slipping lower
down
Bare shoulders would settle still
in a circle
at the small of
my back.
(document created: 26.09.06 11:36am)
Sitting stuck inside my headphones with my back to the rest of them. The music is so loud...and yet only audible to me ...that its like im drowning the world out ...drowning myself in a way ...overpowered by the sheer volume forgetting the content of these sounds. These voices (the ones in my head need a rest anyway)
The headphones are cool .... the song started and I felt as if someone had come up from behind and started singing in my ears ..... Kinda shocked me a little. I think its just the strangeness of ..... this time.....
the choices Ive made. those that I am making. Those that will stay with me forever. (those that will disappear) I wonder where these choices will lead and whether my happily ever after will even be so.
It seems I cant write. again. it seems awkward strange. These tunes playing in my head play with my thoughts and tease them out of their comfortable corners. This is the time. There will be no such other (because i don't really want to be that person do i). So I risk it. fuck it. face forward eyes open breathe in the fumes that may empower/intoxicate/suffocate me. I don't know where I will end up. I don't know whats going to become of this. Of me. I don't know anything. Right wrong love hate in between the miles the million shades of grey that I hide behind. That carry me along in these times.
That there will never be satisfaction for me. That I will never live up to it all. To all of the people that look to me to save them. To make it all better. I cant....you know ....And above that I wont. Sometimes I feel the catholic guilt from the catholic side of the family perhaps. A sinner born, a lifetime of repentance follows. Guilty for the sins of those around me. For the circumstances that surround us. For everything that I cant change for everything that I am.
I seem to make a habit of starting out with an apology. I should stop. Were all grown ups here. Arnt we. I wouldn't blame you ....
[... the rest was left unwritten...]
(document created: 30.09.06)
There are plans there are colours there are lines that stream through the underside of skin. At 23 (for a few more days) I cant afford to be shy. It might just end my life forever and do I want it to end here?
(document created: 30.09.06)
Its when I hear that music that I feel like writing that I feel like be high like slipping out of my skin and fitting myself into that slot where everything just is in a space a fragment of time frozen. Everything is surreal there everything is hazy a little fuzzy ....and oh so fine. When I drive with the sun warming the right side of my face and my hands cold. Freezing even. There used to ambitions. used to plans. Used to be something more then living in the moment. But these moments theyr ok. Not so bad. And I seem to find happiness in them. In between the melodies between the waves that crash at our feet on the edges of these rocks. I wonder about the baggage im supposed to carry ..... that which I do. I wonder about how it simply vanishes at moments like these. There is no baggage it seems at moments like these. None from the years stacked up behind me none from the days that just went past. I can escape them when I fly. It only when I come crashing down that I feel the full force of my life as it has been. But for now. This is fine. This is ok.
Inspiring even .... And its fun.
(document created: 13.10.06 1:43 pm)
'samone will live happily ever after .... and perhaps someone like me will be able to suck some of that happiness for myself .... perhaps'
(document created: 31.10.06 2:20 pm)
Monday, October 09, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
So what do we do? What do we do?
I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
('garden state')
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.
('garden state')
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
dont read this and ask me any questions
i love him i love him i love him .... im still in love with him. i dont know if its him or the diea of him. but it is him. and no one else. else is other things not him. could never be him. else is fun for now. and another thing i could/will break.... Options. theyre endless. The endless lives i could live instead of this. break off break away. excpt i dont want to. It even feels like the perfect option. But i cant. and yet.. its still incomplete. still i dont know if it ever will be. if we'll be able to go back after everything. everything we'v done to each other. I hate this. hate feeling like this. hate making him feel like this. I told him today that i couldnt lie to him. I cant lie and say i dont love him. and i cant lie and say i can be with him. and thats it. im fucking us both over. fucking fucking fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. No one else really means anything. its all irrelevant. all timepass. Im not ready for relationships. Im not ready for the relationship that i steped into when i was 18 and that has crawled and settled quite comfortably under my skin...im not ready for its implications. Im not ready for life. If it was just me I would sort it out. But its not ofcourse hes involved as well. and how he works and what iv done to him i dont know. I want to scratch my fucking nails down a wall. maybe that will make things better. .....
I'm taking refuge in denial ...solace in distraction ....I push it to the back left hand corner of my thoughts my preoccupations .... and I hurt him ...more then hes ever been hurt before... how could he not hes never really had the chance to be hurt by anyone else before....
its all so irrelevant ...all so ... fucking fucked up ..pointless existance... circles endless designed to suffocate our lives out of us...
we ended it 9 months ago ...and have been ending it ever since..... my lifes been in pieces ...crumbling since... since long before.... i cant undo the things iv done .... and i have to see through my choices .... if it was only that easy ..... if i knew what i wanted .... im sick of the indecision im sick of being scared .... im sick of the options ...... im sick of life and how its works out. im sick of all the million little possibilities .... the million little pieces i could shatter into if you were to touch me right now .... or I you ......
im a fucking idiot
fucking cunt
I'm taking refuge in denial ...solace in distraction ....I push it to the back left hand corner of my thoughts my preoccupations .... and I hurt him ...more then hes ever been hurt before... how could he not hes never really had the chance to be hurt by anyone else before....
its all so irrelevant ...all so ... fucking fucked up ..pointless existance... circles endless designed to suffocate our lives out of us...
we ended it 9 months ago ...and have been ending it ever since..... my lifes been in pieces ...crumbling since... since long before.... i cant undo the things iv done .... and i have to see through my choices .... if it was only that easy ..... if i knew what i wanted .... im sick of the indecision im sick of being scared .... im sick of the options ...... im sick of life and how its works out. im sick of all the million little possibilities .... the million little pieces i could shatter into if you were to touch me right now .... or I you ......
im a fucking idiot
fucking cunt
Thursday, September 28, 2006
somethings are blogging
so im reading this article thats titled " what really makes her happy"
an article of what women want by a woman halfway through the para ends with "ultimatly in our search for COMPLETE bliss we become totally strung out and end up not actually doing anything properly. Women!" As women, we have to make a million choices; but having chosen, we haunted by the possibilty that our choices might be incorrect........... therefore our brilliant solution to the matter ends up being ....dont choose at all !”
so0o the article was interesting but then it became abt how choices are always relative and the choices that make the happiness and basically blah-blah-bullshit
do your choixes make you happy?
ok ur seriously asking me that?!?!
choices fuck me up ...and u know that ....i make do / make believe with what i can at a time .... but since i want it ALL always im not always good with it all that.... so yea ... the choices they fuck me up
and yet without them i would suffocate in a corner and DIE!
yes you would...because breathing itself is a choice....wah wah!
no0o actually it isnt .... its an inbuilt reflex action that is quite hard to fight againist so take the wah wah stand in a corner and think abt it
standing in corner and thinking about the wah wah....
i need music to go with my life at this very point in my life ... my life is musicless ....
as is mine
and it makes me feel empty inside .... 23 and tired with life ....could i have been any one other then me
we should endeavour to search and destroy new musics by allotting then to teh strange strangeness in our respective lives .... what say you??
(im now in roza...)
time to pray...
yeaa i should pray too ....
this ramzan feels strange somehow
its sad ... but its not teh same ....
strange that you should say that....i was thinking the exact same thing yesterday for me it was the fact that i was drinking untill the last possible minute
also because everyone in diff parts of the world started on diff days
yup that too ...but more then that .... im not connecting on the level that i usually do ....
which is scary if i let myself think abt it
im going through the motions of course hoping that it will trigger something perhaps
(it scares me sometimes the way i can just go through the motions while not feeling/feeling something quite different on the inside)
its chill yaar....the older you get the more you wonder....crises of faith ahoy! Basically relax
an article of what women want by a woman halfway through the para ends with "ultimatly in our search for COMPLETE bliss we become totally strung out and end up not actually doing anything properly. Women!" As women, we have to make a million choices; but having chosen, we haunted by the possibilty that our choices might be incorrect........... therefore our brilliant solution to the matter ends up being ....dont choose at all !”
so0o the article was interesting but then it became abt how choices are always relative and the choices that make the happiness and basically blah-blah-bullshit
do your choixes make you happy?
ok ur seriously asking me that?!?!
choices fuck me up ...and u know that ....i make do / make believe with what i can at a time .... but since i want it ALL always im not always good with it all that.... so yea ... the choices they fuck me up
and yet without them i would suffocate in a corner and DIE!
yes you would...because breathing itself is a choice....wah wah!
no0o actually it isnt .... its an inbuilt reflex action that is quite hard to fight againist so take the wah wah stand in a corner and think abt it
standing in corner and thinking about the wah wah....
i need music to go with my life at this very point in my life ... my life is musicless ....
as is mine
and it makes me feel empty inside .... 23 and tired with life ....could i have been any one other then me
we should endeavour to search and destroy new musics by allotting then to teh strange strangeness in our respective lives .... what say you??
(im now in roza...)
time to pray...
yeaa i should pray too ....
this ramzan feels strange somehow
its sad ... but its not teh same ....
strange that you should say that....i was thinking the exact same thing yesterday for me it was the fact that i was drinking untill the last possible minute
also because everyone in diff parts of the world started on diff days
yup that too ...but more then that .... im not connecting on the level that i usually do ....
which is scary if i let myself think abt it
im going through the motions of course hoping that it will trigger something perhaps
(it scares me sometimes the way i can just go through the motions while not feeling/feeling something quite different on the inside)
its chill yaar....the older you get the more you wonder....crises of faith ahoy! Basically relax
Saturday, September 02, 2006
her eyes
The girl in the mirror in front of me is different from the one that had been there these past 23 years. The other one, I assume, she'd found something better to do and so had left. And in her place now......left behind was this. girl.
I don't know what fascinated me about her or what fascinated her about me …but we would sit, her and I .....staring at each other for hours on end. I studied her. Thin straight wisps for eyebrows Round eyes that seem to change everyday, a small nose with one nostril slightly higher slightly different then the other. There was something flat about her face; a face that changed when she smiled. Once every few days when the sun fell at a certain angle and the air smelt right the cherub-like mouth on her would break into a small strange smile. On those days I sometimes smiled as well. And when she looked away, I would pretend to do the same while stealing secretive glances at her. Sometimes she almost looked like someone else. Someone strange. And I wondered if she had switched places with another and wondered if this was even her? It was. I'm pretty sure. But even then I would measure her features out just to be sure.
We never talked, her and I, though I considered it on several occasions. But every time I thought to say something I realized the insignificance of what I was going to say. And I thought of how that would only ruin things. Words do that you see. They ruin everything.
It's a strange cycle you get sucked into once you start playing with words. And everyone plays with words. Words aren't used to convey thoughts or even feelings like everyone thinks they are ((they couldn't possibly anyway)). They're for playing. Word play. A play on words. No one says the things they want to, only those expected of them or more often than that, things they think are expected of them. And the older you get the more necessary all this becomes. Smile, agree and move along. Anything else… an exchange of anything real … is just not worth the effort now is it? Too complicated. But things between the two of us hadn't gotten fucked up like that as yet. Not complicated. So you can see why I didn't want to ruin it.
I don't like words. And I know she doesn't either. And yet there were days when I stared into those eyes without a spark and I wondered what she thought of when she looked at me. That more then anything is what tempted me.
I don't know what fascinated me about her or what fascinated her about me …but we would sit, her and I .....staring at each other for hours on end. I studied her. Thin straight wisps for eyebrows Round eyes that seem to change everyday, a small nose with one nostril slightly higher slightly different then the other. There was something flat about her face; a face that changed when she smiled. Once every few days when the sun fell at a certain angle and the air smelt right the cherub-like mouth on her would break into a small strange smile. On those days I sometimes smiled as well. And when she looked away, I would pretend to do the same while stealing secretive glances at her. Sometimes she almost looked like someone else. Someone strange. And I wondered if she had switched places with another and wondered if this was even her? It was. I'm pretty sure. But even then I would measure her features out just to be sure.
We never talked, her and I, though I considered it on several occasions. But every time I thought to say something I realized the insignificance of what I was going to say. And I thought of how that would only ruin things. Words do that you see. They ruin everything.
It's a strange cycle you get sucked into once you start playing with words. And everyone plays with words. Words aren't used to convey thoughts or even feelings like everyone thinks they are ((they couldn't possibly anyway)). They're for playing. Word play. A play on words. No one says the things they want to, only those expected of them or more often than that, things they think are expected of them. And the older you get the more necessary all this becomes. Smile, agree and move along. Anything else… an exchange of anything real … is just not worth the effort now is it? Too complicated. But things between the two of us hadn't gotten fucked up like that as yet. Not complicated. So you can see why I didn't want to ruin it.
I don't like words. And I know she doesn't either. And yet there were days when I stared into those eyes without a spark and I wondered what she thought of when she looked at me. That more then anything is what tempted me.
3:45pm
26.08.06
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Monday, August 07, 2006
i needed time
i got into the car alone .... they play such shit on a saturday that very soon my creative black was plugged into my ears and i was listening to that music again ... it had been a while ... the clear drops lacing their way down the window were mirrored by those running down my cheek.... here i was again ...writing on the back of a used envelope this time and making my way to another city ...... iv been here before ..... and yet in some ways iv never been here ..... never wanted to be here ....
everythings fallen apart .... and so have i ..... all the more in my own eyes .....
this is self loathing .... this is failure
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this place is beautiful ..... this house with its collection of things that move me ..... these people with thier connections to my history ...... there are many things i can learn .. many i may not want to....
you do not have a beloved? ...... but how do you manage that? not having some one to love?
and even though its wonderful .... my being here just doent feel right ..... not without you .... we had a pact of sorts .... but i guess i needed to come here .... see all this without you ..... for i have once before as well .....
the light in this house, the music, the shelves crammed up to the ceiling with bits and pieces and a world of collected treasures... this feeling that comes over me in a place like this .....
---------------------------------------------------------
.......and the country i dreamed of for years .... so very different from that i had built in my mind .... the people the place the language the movements ...... all so differnt .... and so am i .... my first break from everything ..... and then me breqking down ...i needed more of the sea then i got from here ....an hour isnt nearly enough to calm me down and yet it did ......
perspective over the days .... i thnk iv got some ... regqrdless of everything ..... and i dont quite have faith but im going to try and build some ..... annd maybe rebuild my self while im at it ..... fuck i sound all wise and what not ... hahah wonder how long that will last ...... ill get back to real life and watch myself falll apart again ...... (i hope not)
everythings fallen apart .... and so have i ..... all the more in my own eyes .....
this is self loathing .... this is failure
---------------------------------------------------------
this place is beautiful ..... this house with its collection of things that move me ..... these people with thier connections to my history ...... there are many things i can learn .. many i may not want to....
you do not have a beloved? ...... but how do you manage that? not having some one to love?
and even though its wonderful .... my being here just doent feel right ..... not without you .... we had a pact of sorts .... but i guess i needed to come here .... see all this without you ..... for i have once before as well .....
the light in this house, the music, the shelves crammed up to the ceiling with bits and pieces and a world of collected treasures... this feeling that comes over me in a place like this .....
---------------------------------------------------------
.......and the country i dreamed of for years .... so very different from that i had built in my mind .... the people the place the language the movements ...... all so differnt .... and so am i .... my first break from everything ..... and then me breqking down ...i needed more of the sea then i got from here ....an hour isnt nearly enough to calm me down and yet it did ......
perspective over the days .... i thnk iv got some ... regqrdless of everything ..... and i dont quite have faith but im going to try and build some ..... annd maybe rebuild my self while im at it ..... fuck i sound all wise and what not ... hahah wonder how long that will last ...... ill get back to real life and watch myself falll apart again ...... (i hope not)
Friday, July 21, 2006
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