I should have cried when she told me she was empty. Instead I put a finger in each ear and sang baa baa black sheep in my head.

fingers

fidget

 

wait-in-line

 

standing by for coffee or tea

 

lipstick

marks

on

the

mug/

mug rings on tables of glass

 

tongue licking off

the liquid

(excess)

 

from the

corners

 

ofyourmouth

 

and a stain

 

ofme

 

smudged across

the dirty plate of your memories

6:55 am. the early morning train out of montreal. not a patch of sky to be seen. all clouds. only clouds. it rained last night and all of a sudden somewhere between last minute packing and a cold-as-death shower its winter. 4 years zip by. just like that. switch lives. now. fuck i could use more time ...i know i know i want it all. everything.
i hate leaving. leaving anywhere. as you know. when im having too much fun ;). but yea i hate leaving. somehow i still havnt wrapped my head around the fact that im going. gone. i keep feeling like ill be back soon. how can i not... we all made breakfast plans after the sad goodbyes. i think we all knew it wouldnt happen but it was better then just leaving it at bye then.
i hate leaving.
but then well what more can i do other then carry the zombies the roomies the nerdies the crazies the bumming bumies and all the mtlingers in a big fat bubble and just keep it spinning ....
---------------------------------------------

 

-------------

-And Again-

-------------

 

Once again over the highway.
Over.

You'd think I'd be used to it by now. The glassy surface of the streets. The glow of yellow headlights in whitish grey mists.
There is a fat heavy sadness. Even more so then the first time. (Injury times over) it just sits there. Heavy. Fat.
(everything comes full circle) sometimes
 
the cab ride into the city was most exhilarating. I had no idea where I was living who I'd be staying with or what was in store for me. and yet I was thrilled excited ecstatic. I had left khi in a puddle of hugs and tears. Left for an unfamiliar life in an unfamiliar city. One where everything was strange. Everyone a stranger. Everyone excpt you. I don't think it would have been the same without you. my montreal was you.

And now
everything been flipped around and here I am heading back to the start. Back to everything iv known since I took my first breath and it just isn�t the same. Not with you.  
 
You feel secure in places you know. places you're comfortable with. Familiar. Adjusting has never been your thing. And here I am on my way back to everything old that doesn�t get more familiar then this and only now am I getting a slight sense of that deep dark disgusting feeling you tried to explain to a still half asleep me at 5 in the morning on that street before it became yours. Fuck. I can't believe now. here. 15 mins away from boarding the airplane I cant get away from the unshakable waves of panic and fear in the pit of my stomach. Im never like this. Not me. I�m always excited about going back. Going anywhere. Fuck. I guess the thing is that you fear the unknown whereas I welcome it. Welcome it for everything brilliant that it could bring. All those endless possibilities. (I heart possibilities) All that openness. Thing here is there really isn�t that much openness now. Not much room for endlessness. It is what it is. And I chose it so I should be fine with it. I should.

I will be.
I know I will � but its that with everything I can see coming my way the biggest and foremost are the worst of them. those. My fears. My deepest darkest that I would so much rather go through life without. Bury my head in the sand if I could. That I now have to confront. (its about time I know) but see life is just so much easier when you can postpone the unpleasant. "put it on a nice to-do list". But fuck� guess I cant do that forever can I�.. .

Seriously though its all I can do right now to stop my self from jumping another daymn bus right back to you.

Fuck I miss you.   

10:35 am .... waking up drunk is .......yea ... i thought i'd cry last night .... dont think i did...not more then a tear anyway ... but my heart did swell up more then a few times ...you know how it does with sadness so0o that just when it cant swell the sadness pours out in tears .... swelling feeling again ... not for the reasons i thought i would though! ... fuck me for getting up and reading that...and fuck u for writing that so early in the daymn morning ....urgh why do you have to be so you!! as if i didnt know already... i dont fucking know .....

God ...alone at 10 am ...unable to sleep ...listening to untouochable face .... still drunk from last night ...im definatly going to cry now!...

"you look like a photograph of yourself taken from far far away....i wont know what to do i wont know what to say"

and if we change ...change beyond repair .... things are never the same ....not for more then point 6 seconds anyway...after that ...i dont know ...how do you stop it going down hill from there?
fuck the music keeps changing ...its so fucking loud...so jarring and it takes me a while to find the controls.... too fucking early for this music...

...too fucking early...

============
========

-
this is about me .... me with the stale smoky smell of last night in my hair and smudges of mascara under my eyes.... i need to sort this out. its not about anyone else. its me.
...inklings of certain realizations and a hangover now .....

though i have to say ...the best part of these realizations is watching them crash and burn on human contact...
fucksonofabitch ...heh...

i like the rain….. it poured all through last night…. still is..

i like the way it comes down so brazenly ....soaking everything that comes in its way ... unabashedly it colors everything in its own … every drop set to speak its mind and flood the night with its own feeling ….

some nights i wish i could flow like the rain

i lay in bed half awake ...till every drop of sleep had been muscled out of there...got out of bed because i wanted to now.
another day ..(so close to the last few) ..
...the haze of the past few days seems to have lifted (a bit) .. getting out of that funk i hope
trying to will myself to at least
God
i can be such a fucking retard sometimes .... i still am.
seriously sometimes i dont know what do w/ myself. i can see the road im heading down and i really dont want to go there.
how do i pull the brakes?
how do i change?

and the thing is i can see how stupid im being about this. (though am i) but i cant help it. my whole being gets warped around something and after that theres nothing else. silly imature hysterical silly silly dont want to be....
this is it
near the end .... and i dont want it to be like this..not now. i really dont ...
fuck im so0o0o childish -snap out of it! now!

seriously when the fuck will i grow up?? give it up
theyr right! i need to get over this shit and just face up to life now! stop feeling like

no but seriously God why this?!? of all the things ... this!! what do i do w/ this?? where do i put it?? ... does it matter ...will it matter ?? and if it does then what ..fuck everything else because of it ....? oh God! im so0o sick of it now!
i need a personality overhaul! now! someone anyone get to it please!!!!

...."and all the lights that lead us there are blinding"

bickering.67 voices. inside

my head. outside. ugly me. you. your pieces here and there. remains from that wreck earlier that day.

 

im concentrating now on the soles of my feet. i really would much rather look elsewhere. the harder i scratch the surface the deeper it burns. burns inside but somehow that feels right.

 

i need a smoke

right abt now. cant. unsympathetic faces outside. inside. you asleep me wide eyed staring into dark walls surround me closing in sometimes i sit 

in hollow space

space

seperates 

me. from them. everyone. everyones alone. i am you are. 

 

he had an attack while sleeping in an airport. woke up in the ambulance. he lives alone. 

 

he lives alone thats the scary part

but what abt him? what if something's wrong? really wrong?

well abhi we dont know naa..but if he has another one when he's home alone... thats whats scary 

 

we're all alone

 

what we care about. what effects me now is only me and mine. thats scary. sad somehow

but the what else

 

would i should i. yes i should. but i wont. fuck. 

 

i cant read over what i write. disconnected pieces of my mind for now

w/ 2 lumps of sugar? 

yes please. 

 

fuck

this is so f-ed up

seriously. you know that story about that little ant. the one that never gave up. well what if she had just kept trying and trying and trying to climb that wall and had just never succeeded  and the actual big lesson was move on you dumfuk its not meant to happen. never was. whos to say ... anyway. that was a story. keep pushing keep on pushing ...isnt that how that ditty goes.

fuck those people whov moved mountains!! a big fuck you to you all!!!

 

can someone please. for-the-love-of-God throw me down a boulder if you can w/ some fucking directions. fuck

i sound like a broken record.

i hate that.

 

i hope its a fucking anvil that comes my way.

unattractive cunt

 

gasp. she didnt really say that did she. well fuck you.

 

so go.

 

im curled up now in a ball falling fast and i want to screm spew my frustrated spitballs in your direction. anyone really will do for now.

but you see i cant. im tied down bound up all fucking fucked up

fucking unpretty

inside

outside

 

12.09.05

sometimes in the a.m.

b/w tears fear & nightmares

too smily too bossy too aunty too girly

too chubby too cutesy too toothy too boring

too unattractive too feministy too spotty too chinky

too angry too golu too fat too fucking fat

too used to too wavy too wonky too much tummy

too loud too silly too nagging too stubborn

much too much

never fucking enough

 

 

i left today. its not the first time. and i will be coming back. But the next time i leave i wont. not for a very very long time at least. too long.

 

As the bus took the highway out of the city it poured. the rain drenched everything. everything got wet. my eyes included.

 

"the rain stains the streets a darker black"

 

this city this montreal that i love gazing at from these highways (i heart highways) isnt my mtl. mine is on the other side of road. but still. mtl. with its old buildings . its quaintness. its green rooftops and circular domelike tops of churches. once bronze maybe copper. now green. brilliant (im)perfect unreal green. (i remember a picture i took in my first year. it was so unusual to me. so beautiful. still is)

 

the city looks different today. wet. darker. A heavy mist rests on houses . grey. it makes everything seem closer somehow (if only because all that is in the distance is little more then a haze today) the shapes quickly fade into the background. and the background; the sky. a light. grey so light its almost white a great grand plain plane. i think im relieved the city im leaving today isnt the same sunny city of this summer. i think that would have made it worse. it would remind me of what i soon wont be returning to.

yes. this weather is perfect for today. 

 

Soon all this will be covered in white. and in cold. and the great expanse of greyish white will take on a pink maybe purple hue. some nights it will be orange. i'll miss the flurries.

 

08.09.05

12:03pm

 

its wierd ... writing w/o reading or even being able to look over mine comments or anything.... being internet-less xcpt for in spurts ... urgh annoying disconnectedness

(CONT'D...)

fuck. mind numbing beats one after the other. spending 3 mins 49 secs waiting for the lyric. sorry the one lyric. one word. maybe 3 if youre lucky. so not in the mood. for this music. right now. Def the wrong mood, see now i had found a comfortable zone in this place/place in this zone. and hes fucked it up. put a giantannoyingasfuck crack in it. why is it so difficult to relate to the people youre related to? i think calvin said that. smart kid that calvin. smart wrd/thought bubbles. him and hobbes too. i want to be hobbes. i could be hobbes. i am the hobbes. bow down now. humans! ~ yerrghhh* (making classic hobbes grossed out face)

so the music lets up you think its ebbing away. excites your imagines into believing in the possibilities now of better music. more apt. infinite possibilities. which one would you choose...

but.

just then it sweels and rises again. fuck. a zombie chopping up chicken in the kitchen lets out a woohoo of appreciation. no. back to the ugly zone. Canl someone change the GOD-DAMN music please? Can anyone even hear me? Do i even exist? ... would it matter if i didnt? really. would it? to a few i guess but for the most .... prob wouldnt make much of a difference either way...some days that bothers me ...luckily. most days it doesnt.

that there are more and more people i keep adding to my do-not-like list as the years pass bothers me. that my fondness/lurrves for a lot of them is constantly at odds w/ what i think of them as people ... then agains whos to say. everyone gets by. if i am still questioning my own decesions ....then well ....what then. my selfish maynot be your selfish but i still indulge in mine you in yours. i can justify it from my end ofcourse but can you justify me from yours? why would ... would they? but would they justify me from theirs. maybe maybe not. i dont know. if i would myself. crystal clear intentions aside. conflicting arguements apart. i still dont ... . im not ok with what it this will mean on/from the outside. fuck.

how do people stay like this. write. rewrite. think. overthink. entangled in webs of guilt indecision stasis failure fear spirally downwards... if i spent anymore time here i would suffocate in a matter of minutes. submerged. unable to control the levels dangerously rising.

"and in this moment i am happy"

Thank You God.

i worry for those that cant push thier way up.out. i wish i could reach in and pull them out. forever.

i cant.

its not my place. i stand on the sidelines and watch. sort of like when youre watching a horror film and you know the monsteris in the room and you want to stop her from going inside but you cant and she does and gets her flesh... ok when i started i thought this would be a kinda funny sorta analagy ..but umm ...not so much ... yea

fuck.

i love that word. so much in just one word. fuck. everyone says i swear too much. well i do. i know. ill stop soon i guess.... when i go back and change into that shy demure quieter version of my former self. Fuck! Fuck That! i dont care what you say/think whatever. i just hope i never turn the volume down (as many of my frnds would love for me to do). Ever. so there

01.09.05
10:26pm

(I LIKE MY HANDWRITING AND THE FLOW OF THIS PEN)

soft slow sweet notes rising and falling settle gently on the thick air filling this dark corner. seperate.apart. nestling this furry bundle of secrets.

i guess this hole can be good for somethings sometimes. ... the stale smell of old cigarette butts clogs my nostrils. urgh. move the ashtray. if only at an arms length . heh. arms lengthe distance.. hehe...

introspective. now. perhaps. give. what do i give? do i give? caught up rolled wrapped up in my own. what have i done?

fucking dick

asshole

what a bitch! .......................?

yea i can see that. its not settling for. not giving in. not even compromising. its growing up. realizing. he good to/for me. be goor for/to him.

you think that people would have enough of silly love songs

i look around me and i see it isnt so

love makes us sad/glad we are fools (heh.)

~

~ Freeze framed. beauty captured/capture beauty. snap. pictures freeze moments. memories. constructed then to fit the 4 by 6/ 5 by 7. all smiles. now. say cheese. please.

... cont'd...

even though i'v come to expct it ...i SHOULD expct it (by now)... the ability of people to be such UTTER DICKS is just..fuckk.... i dunoo i just dont fucking get it !!  
..... i REALLY need to stop letting them get to me....