6:55 am. the early morning train out of montreal. not a patch of sky to be seen. all clouds. only clouds. it rained last night and all of a sudden somewhere between last minute packing and a cold-as-death shower its winter. 4 years zip by. just like that. switch lives. now. fuck i could use more time ...i know i know i want it all. everything.
i hate leaving. leaving anywhere. as you know. when im having too much fun ;). but yea i hate leaving. somehow i still havnt wrapped my head around the fact that im going. gone. i keep feeling like ill be back soon. how can i not... we all made breakfast plans after the sad goodbyes. i think we all knew it wouldnt happen but it was better then just leaving it at bye then.
i hate leaving.
but then well what more can i do other then carry the zombies the roomies the nerdies the crazies the bumming bumies and all the mtlingers in a big fat bubble and just keep it spinning ....
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-And Again-

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Once again over the highway.
Over.

You'd think I'd be used to it by now. The glassy surface of the streets. The glow of yellow headlights in whitish grey mists.
There is a fat heavy sadness. Even more so then the first time. (Injury times over) it just sits there. Heavy. Fat.
(everything comes full circle) sometimes
 
the cab ride into the city was most exhilarating. I had no idea where I was living who I'd be staying with or what was in store for me. and yet I was thrilled excited ecstatic. I had left khi in a puddle of hugs and tears. Left for an unfamiliar life in an unfamiliar city. One where everything was strange. Everyone a stranger. Everyone excpt you. I don't think it would have been the same without you. my montreal was you.

And now
everything been flipped around and here I am heading back to the start. Back to everything iv known since I took my first breath and it just isn�t the same. Not with you.  
 
You feel secure in places you know. places you're comfortable with. Familiar. Adjusting has never been your thing. And here I am on my way back to everything old that doesn�t get more familiar then this and only now am I getting a slight sense of that deep dark disgusting feeling you tried to explain to a still half asleep me at 5 in the morning on that street before it became yours. Fuck. I can't believe now. here. 15 mins away from boarding the airplane I cant get away from the unshakable waves of panic and fear in the pit of my stomach. Im never like this. Not me. I�m always excited about going back. Going anywhere. Fuck. I guess the thing is that you fear the unknown whereas I welcome it. Welcome it for everything brilliant that it could bring. All those endless possibilities. (I heart possibilities) All that openness. Thing here is there really isn�t that much openness now. Not much room for endlessness. It is what it is. And I chose it so I should be fine with it. I should.

I will be.
I know I will � but its that with everything I can see coming my way the biggest and foremost are the worst of them. those. My fears. My deepest darkest that I would so much rather go through life without. Bury my head in the sand if I could. That I now have to confront. (its about time I know) but see life is just so much easier when you can postpone the unpleasant. "put it on a nice to-do list". But fuck� guess I cant do that forever can I�.. .

Seriously though its all I can do right now to stop my self from jumping another daymn bus right back to you.

Fuck I miss you.