Everything….
somehow… somewhere…in all of this i lost the words. or maybe they lost me. “teeter between tired really really tired” it just seems too much much too much. and/but then you glance at the mirror over your shoulder and its all too little.
Insignificant Significant
i feel like i’m lying an inch under the surface. in a cavity that’s greybrowngrey. Guilty when I smile. Guiltier when I laugh. Guiltiest when I’m light at heart. Guilty of not suffering along with guilty of forgetfulness guilty of wishing a cloud of smoke to envelope it all…. disappear. today not the sky’s blue not the sunflowers not the venus star. none makes it alright. worth it after all. but then maybe that’s just today.
done with rolling off my back they mount. weigh me down.they cover the holes that I had cut out to breathe through. they come at me. the stories…
of…. helplessness psychosis. molestation. jealousy. loneliness. depression. anxiety. cancer. brain tumor. pregnancy. abortion. rage. suffocation. amputation without anesthesia. devastation. murder. rape. schizophrenia. hunger. rubble. heart attack. bribery. harassment. epilepsy. rage. death. assault and battery. arthritis. gun shots. loss upon loss. multiple sclerosis. paranoia. hysteria. the Complete and utter Helplessness…..
somehow… somewhere…in all of this i lost the words. or maybe they lost me. “teeter between tired really really tired” it just seems too much much too much. and/but then you glance at the mirror over your shoulder and its all too little.
Insignificant Significant
i feel like i’m lying an inch under the surface. in a cavity that’s greybrowngrey. Guilty when I smile. Guiltier when I laugh. Guiltiest when I’m light at heart. Guilty of not suffering along with guilty of forgetfulness guilty of wishing a cloud of smoke to envelope it all…. disappear. today not the sky’s blue not the sunflowers not the venus star. none makes it alright. worth it after all. but then maybe that’s just today.
done with rolling off my back they mount. weigh me down.they cover the holes that I had cut out to breathe through. they come at me. the stories…
of…. helplessness psychosis. molestation. jealousy. loneliness. depression. anxiety. cancer. brain tumor. pregnancy. abortion. rage. suffocation. amputation without anesthesia. devastation. murder. rape. schizophrenia. hunger. rubble. heart attack. bribery. harassment. epilepsy. rage. death. assault and battery. arthritis. gun shots. loss upon loss. multiple sclerosis. paranoia. hysteria. the Complete and utter Helplessness…..
we build bubbles you and i. only to watch each one burst. one after the other. we watch helplessly as the security blankets once knit so lovingly are wrenched out of our fingers. come undone. and the thing is im scared……
……. will I be able to?
……. will I be able to?
(22.10.05/12:32pm)
2 comments:
*blink*
"How could I even try
I can never win
Hearing them, seeing them
In the state I'm in
How could she say to me
Love will find a way
Gather round all you clowns
Let me hear you say
Hey you've got to hide your love away..."
don't know if that applies...but it felt sort of right...
breathe ...release all the guilt, you stop smiling out of guilt and the general ugliness of things will only be racheted up a little more...no point in that right?
...ok now im just raving..
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