the only thing that made me smile yesterday....

(took a day for me to upload it ...daymn blogger)

i miss you.


...

so fucking much.




(and i cant talk to you or think of you for too long because it hurts too fucking much.everything)

CLICK ON THE LINKS!

pakistanis have been protesting for the past 4 days.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/asiapcf/02/15/pakistan.cartoons/index.html


today all the schools and universities are closed in karachi. hartal.
the same has been said for tomm. though the seriousness (read: levels of death and destruction) of the khi hartals is still to be seen....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/4718958.stm



reason? story? .... this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jyllands-Posten_Muhammad_cartoons_controversy

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/4693292.stm

http://bibelen.blogspot.com/

http://michellemalkin.com/archives/004496.htm



(and how many of those more then 10,000 out storming the streets & setting their own cities on fire, do you think, have even seen these daymn cartoons (the 12 original and 3 fake planted ones) or even know what or rather who it is they are protesting against)


what a game.


fuck.

I have nothing to say .....

And no one has anything to say to me


I made the heart with my own two hands.
(It was because they said I didn't have one)
Sanded was its frame of fiberglass down to a surface smooth and soft.
Outside. Painted
a ruby red shine
bright (to ward off buri nazars and such)
Inside. I filled
slowly and painstakingly
Soft little wisps of beautiful feeling
cheerful bubbles of laughter
and moonshine (of course)
I decorated my heart with sparkles and stars
cut out from the red/blue skies.
And I smiled
to see
the moonshine slip out from the edges and brighten up the day.
It was precious my newfound heart,
so I placed it in a box
lined it with the velvet
the softest and safe.

One day I felt it ready, ready to be set free. So I lifted my heart, took it outside and let it roll and make its own way. But then you came along (you were always there) and it just happened to come under you feet. A million red pieces now with moonshine now spilling off into the street.....


wrote this a couple of weeks ago ...dont quite know how i feel abt it ....

"I would have told her then she was the only thing that I could love in this dying world but the simple word 'love' itself already died and went away."

theres nothing i can write right now that wont sound sad. pathetic. angry. ungrateful. confused. scared. not fucking worth putting into words.

its fucking unfair. everything.
this fucking life. yes i know. who said life is fair.
but fuck. i want to be anywhere but here right now. im so fucked up. while u go out at night. out a party get smashed and forget (ur worries/me). i. i sit. at home surrounded by mine. ingulfed in a cloud of smoke. it doesnt really help. a sea of questioning faces wonder why the sad eyes? why? whats wrong? what can i say. so chin up i fake a smile and make my way through the crowd.
ready to fall down any second now. thats how exhausted i am.
but i keep myself busy. dont allow myself to think of you. but u creep in somehow. i stand straight and feel myself leaning against ur chest. ur fingers to the music tapping the side of my hips. I lie in bed face down and feel on my shoulder ur breath ur kiss. i miss those lip. ur kiss. You still make me laugh. last night. after everything uv done.
after everything. is there anything? can there be?
getting crushed under the weight of wanting to say fuck it. its fine. i dont care. but i do because i should because it wont. be fine that is. i miss the way ur eyes would fixate on mine. with that look. the look that i took away from you when i broke you before. im sorry. will you never look at me the way u did before? im sorry i had to take that away. that which you held so close. that which you built everything on. but i didnt know. how else to go on. and now it is no more. will it never come back then. is this the price we pay? for having to live in this world. real life. fuck real life. fuck this inbetween. fuck not knwing which way to go. fuck emotions. fuck rationality. fuck putting on a brave face just because people dont know how to deal with u when ur depressed. fuck sounding like a fucking movie dialogueeeeeee.... URGHHHHHHHHHHH i want someone to hit me...fucking punch me in the face please. i need to feel something other then this. this. constricting.stifling ... this!!

sigh... im feeling ok right now ... good even ... its prob the patharness .... its prob the fact that im alone and patharedness...
maybe its because i was read that....hmm daymn deja vu... have i confessed this before? ...maybe i started to ...but i would never. ..
i feel a little reckless right now ... like when youv been beaten for so long that you just dont care ... selfish... its my turn ... i dont know if id act on though ... i wonder ...if he could daymnit ...
so0o seriously ..how do i know what this is ... if this is worth it? i know i keep telling myself its not ...but fuck ....
fuck ...even i want to relax now ... "not be tied down" ... what did he think i never felt it ........ fuck him! i cant even get out the shit that im feeling ... cant write it here ... esp not here .... urghhhhh ...why do ppl get involved ... why do feelings get involved ....why does rational reason get involved ..... why does attraction get involved .... dont they knowwww ... these things cant get along ..can nott be found togetherrr .... seriously one should just be allowed one for each of the categories ... that way none gets mesed up and everyones happy .... ahhh ...no guilt no attachment no obligation no head fucks no mindgames no frustrations no fucking hangups! ... yess that wonderful wonderful thought of the parallel universe!
but no
we get this one!
great! wonderful, brill-fucking-iant ...and the wrd that i cant remeber from that show that ended in '...cunt' ... hehe ... hmmm ... make belive days ... there was none of the real wrld ...or was there and iv just painted over the yuckyness .... o0h well ... i miss the churches too ... the music from the summer ... its not depressing ..its "that mood" music .... how does it get so complicated ,...

is this it?
all the effort ur willing to make?
this
"im sorry. i fucked up. and i will never change"

thanks
babe
for all the love
thanks
for all this fucking pain

leave me
drowning

all alone
on
my own

without so much as a second glance

leave me now
fine
dont even put up
a fight

its not worth it
is it

nor am i ?

for you at least

fucking chootiya!
so0o caught up
wrapped up
in your own sack of filth
that you never even saw
the tears
streaming down my face
i faked a smile for you
and you bought it
fucking selfish
fucking chooth

I don’t know what to do with myself. Im siting at work …been here since 11 in the morning and I don’t think iv focused at anything or really smiled at anyone since then …I have to stay here till 8 pm I don’t know how ill do it …I cant even go home for no reason other then that I’d rather be here then deal with the family abhi … I feel that I cant breathe so I start taking deep breaths and then realize how stupid I must be looking! But I feel so suffocated. I don’t want to be here but then there is no where else id rather be. No one I want to see or rather no one I want seeing me abhi. I’d be with my friends I know they are there for me. but its just too much pressure … like a regular pity party. I don’t like people looking at me every 2 secs to make sure im ok. Talking incessantly to make sure my mind is kept occupied. That’s my fucking job. I know you mean it in the best possible way but I know all the tricks and having you around pulling my tricks just makes me even more aware of my desperate… disintegrating situation.

At this point I feel that there isn’t anyone I can talk to without wanting to take a fucking steel bat to their heads. I know im being mean I know im being brutal but I don’t know how else to tell you!! Every word out of your mouth seems to be the fucking wrong one!
I might be a fucking bitch but I don’t want to hear about your misery or your joy …. Not today … tell me tomorrow and I will cry for you so you don’t have to and I will laugh with you to make you laugh harder but not fucking today!!

Ek tau I cant even get trashed in this fucking country!! Well its not that I cant …im just not comfortable … there are always people around …people who I couldn’t give two fucks abt …people who im not comfortable with …. why cant every one just go away. …
And having said that … i realize just how fucked up I am …. I decide that I cant take company one min and the next min im calling up someone or the other because being alone is suffocating the life out of me …. i cant take being with people and I cant take being alone. If I was only somewhere where there were lots of people who didn’t know me …not a single soul knew who I was and I could just get lost in that crowd … meet people who I didn’t owe anything …no questions no explanations …

And I don’t know how long I can keep this up… yesterday I feigned illness so0o the bitchiness was accounted for …but how long can I keep that up without any physical ailments …. With things being as dicey as they are I need to be careful .. I CAN NOT afford to take my grief out at home for fear of the repercussions … things are too fragile at home for me to fuck them up with an untimely outburst. I just cant… I would hate myself forever if things got fucked up right now because of me …. (you don’t know what exactly things are like so I don’t expect you to understand just don’t write back or comment abt how I don’t have to take so much pressure upon myself or anything like that) Because right now it doesn’t matter what im going through … what they are going through is much much bigger and I have to fucking well respect that … and I have to control myself and take whatever it is im feeling outside. I just hope that im able to that I can.

kya hua?

kisi ki nazar lag gaee kya?

dil bhar ga ya kya?

main nai aisa kya kiya?
main nai aisa kya nahin kiya?


ab main kya karoon .......

sub kuch tau …tum nai lay liya
meray liya kuch nahin chora

kya hua......
......hummay?!

sub toot ga ya
......aur ab
main bhi....

I know I should write (it would be good for me) .... but i just dont have the words. Not right now. (......So im plagerizing from another's blog. i hope you dont mind.)

i want to kill you for having broken your promise to love me madly and
completely forever, but i have no right. Only because I know that when you promised it you believed such a love existed. i was taken in by that lie too, and now we're both fools. guess that's as good as it gets then huh..?

it still hurts

-
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/qupid.jpg





... it broke....








fix it ....

can this be fixed ..?


....please.

have things changed because they were too good for too long?! .... is this some kind of price we all must pay for having had such a good life so far. this. over nothing! this. its nothing. how is it shattering everything?! "nazar lag ga-ee" .... somehow i belive that.... what else can it be. we were so good *MASHALLAH* ... neurotic ofcourse dysfunctional even but in the best possible way. i was always thankful for it! kabhi nashukri nahin ki ... i always realized that we were luckier then most.
i looked up to them. all of them ... they gave me hope ... life could be good ... families could be whole.... happy. I still belive that. ... maybe its because iv belived it for so long ... maybe im just naive.
there has to be a solution to this. some resolution. i just dont know how to get to it. i dont even know how to deal with this. im not the best person for this. im really not. but im trying...to handle this.... somehow.... praying .... iv stopped ... i should start again ...but it scares me.

just please
pray
for us

my Head
its

fucking

spinning
no not spinning /reeling ..... maybe!
im
stuck
(fuck)it seems! here in this place where i know Nothing! (and nothing knows me) ...
nothings certain nothing im sure of. if i thought i knew a thing at all before. its left me (birdy bye bye) .... you ask me a question put fwd a query ... i swear i wont know the answer. i'll know what you want to hear what i should say. but no longer the right from the wrong. yes? no? i dont fucking know. either way it could be .... seriously. eitehr way. does it even make a differnce.
i sit with blank expression mind blank not knowing Anything!
and then there are the days when i start yapping awayfrom the second i wake up... talk talk talk ... keep talking so i dont have the time to stop and think. abt the gaps... the nothing..
how should it be? anything?


hmmmm... parallel universes if there could be would be my drug of choice /// to you i'd leave the rest ...
and you would choose?
what?

this is me not writing

(random snippets of the past few weeks)


Since when have I become the kind of person who wakes up and spends the entire morning in a gallant effort not to cry (and that too at the retardest of things). Seriously!? Since when!?

*************************************************************************************

Im wearing heels today ...Everyone's noticed … what? cant I be all tick tick once in a while… its like the staple reactions every time I reach for a smoke in front of someone new .. "gasp! You smoke!? "shock" (fall of your chair why don't you) … that’s it the smiling at everyone that …has got to stop! Im dropping the cutesy smiley girl act! … burnt my tongue in coffee. It just came knew it would burn and still I greedily dipped in/.wtf. oh yea I now also drink coffee.

*************************************************************************************

The feeding me aunty to my right, says "ek Diana aur ek Jennifer Aniston my heart really goes out to them"…(?!!?) while big obnoxious across sings "ab tau mera dil jagay naa sota hai kya karoon hai kuch kuch hota hai" to a new girl who is not his wife.

Note to self: Stop saying aloud whats on mind! Stop it! Stop speaking! Now!
No one wants to hear it!

If you place a frog in boiling water, it will jump right back out. But if you put the frog in cold water and heat it gradually, it will sit there and slowly roast alive. Science Teacher

I read this line and in light of recent events I felt like it was talking to me. yes im that retarded. yes im moophat ...(hahhaha mooooo phat! Get it ....hahah) but no. im muuphat.... must to stop big mouth must to learn to be polite not rude. Diplomatic not obnoxious.

"perhaps it may also be the way u say things coz u do at times mean well but when u say it just doesnt come out the way u mean it"

hmmmm must also learn to accept critisim gracefully and work on it. Its about time.
Grrr....
.... grrrroaaannn*