a night of disasters... i slept terribly. writhing in a sort of twisted itch-scratch pain of sorts, with unresolved agitations felt like hitting, screaming , just crying... but there wasnt anyone around to hold me while i cried....so0o o well .... i guess what followed then was in a way to follow....
.. a blur of tragedy. it was expected. somehow. she had known it would happen. i dont know why i dont know how. and she had laid it out so i would know what to do. inside the big burgundy drawer. that i was there in that place without the sobs the sniffles the screams brings tears to my eyes now. thinking back. i really dont want to think about it. just walking, armed with the nessecary documents in hand (what a strange thing to dream about.. documents..even in my dreams i do what needs to be done) walking forever through a dark corridor, i cried. but not as i should have. not as i (will). fuck. i dont want to think about this. and yet it did not end there. that one stopped and another much worse.
...the fire. that stopped it all. city in a grid lock. looking upar say ...like we were looking last night. with smoke rising. covering everything. and us on the other side. in a car of strangers. but they took us where we had to go. though wouldnt take us back. and then ... i. i let her go. i think iv dreamt this before. i think iv let her go before. i dont know what happens to her. ie. if anything bad does. but how the fuck could i do something as stupid as that. why have i done something as stupid as that before. i know i'd hold on to her with every particle in my being. and yet in my dreams i let her go and never forgive my self for that.
the news of others passing on during the disaster makes me think. one name i dont know one that i do. the stark difference in the way my emotions turn to the news of the name i know to that i dont. the news is the same. the happenings are the same and yet the sense of loss is only present when you have a face to the name that you must erase from the names and the faces you once knew. the other is just a peice of news. sad.....
so yea now im awake and i dont know what to do w/ myself. they called as soon as i woke up. so i know everyone's fine. its not like i had a crazy premonition (like you feel like you have when you see these things) .... ("impending doom"). so yea everyones fine. but i still cant shake the feeling off. the sadness. when the fuck with this crap that has nicely settled and made itself comfortable at the bottom of my stomach go away .....
crap..