(CONT'D...)

fuck. mind numbing beats one after the other. spending 3 mins 49 secs waiting for the lyric. sorry the one lyric. one word. maybe 3 if youre lucky. so not in the mood. for this music. right now. Def the wrong mood, see now i had found a comfortable zone in this place/place in this zone. and hes fucked it up. put a giantannoyingasfuck crack in it. why is it so difficult to relate to the people youre related to? i think calvin said that. smart kid that calvin. smart wrd/thought bubbles. him and hobbes too. i want to be hobbes. i could be hobbes. i am the hobbes. bow down now. humans! ~ yerrghhh* (making classic hobbes grossed out face)

so the music lets up you think its ebbing away. excites your imagines into believing in the possibilities now of better music. more apt. infinite possibilities. which one would you choose...

but.

just then it sweels and rises again. fuck. a zombie chopping up chicken in the kitchen lets out a woohoo of appreciation. no. back to the ugly zone. Canl someone change the GOD-DAMN music please? Can anyone even hear me? Do i even exist? ... would it matter if i didnt? really. would it? to a few i guess but for the most .... prob wouldnt make much of a difference either way...some days that bothers me ...luckily. most days it doesnt.

that there are more and more people i keep adding to my do-not-like list as the years pass bothers me. that my fondness/lurrves for a lot of them is constantly at odds w/ what i think of them as people ... then agains whos to say. everyone gets by. if i am still questioning my own decesions ....then well ....what then. my selfish maynot be your selfish but i still indulge in mine you in yours. i can justify it from my end ofcourse but can you justify me from yours? why would ... would they? but would they justify me from theirs. maybe maybe not. i dont know. if i would myself. crystal clear intentions aside. conflicting arguements apart. i still dont ... . im not ok with what it this will mean on/from the outside. fuck.

how do people stay like this. write. rewrite. think. overthink. entangled in webs of guilt indecision stasis failure fear spirally downwards... if i spent anymore time here i would suffocate in a matter of minutes. submerged. unable to control the levels dangerously rising.

"and in this moment i am happy"

Thank You God.

i worry for those that cant push thier way up.out. i wish i could reach in and pull them out. forever.

i cant.

its not my place. i stand on the sidelines and watch. sort of like when youre watching a horror film and you know the monsteris in the room and you want to stop her from going inside but you cant and she does and gets her flesh... ok when i started i thought this would be a kinda funny sorta analagy ..but umm ...not so much ... yea

fuck.

i love that word. so much in just one word. fuck. everyone says i swear too much. well i do. i know. ill stop soon i guess.... when i go back and change into that shy demure quieter version of my former self. Fuck! Fuck That! i dont care what you say/think whatever. i just hope i never turn the volume down (as many of my frnds would love for me to do). Ever. so there

01.09.05
10:26pm