.
*smudge
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Friday, March 25, 2005
overdosing on quizinggzingzing
Yippy Ki Yay! 94% (;)). Rachel 60% Phoebe 55%. Shrooms 63% (guilty* hehe*). Celebrity twin: Lindsay Lohan 69%. Schizophrenia 42% Eating Disorders 42% Antisocial Personality Disorder 42%. Alter ego: Peter Pan 81%. Deadly Sin: Pride 75%. Latina 83% (see i knew it). Hot 81%. death by GunShot 67%. Tongue Piercing 100% (whoa i came this close to getting one). Intrapersonal 82%. Ninja Cat 72% Be at ease, grasshopper. Stereotype: Art Freak 50%. Languages I should learn: French 100%, Spanish 87% (double whoaa). Islam 88%. Charlies Angels 100% the chick flick JUST like my life. Existentialism 85%. Sadistic Humour 85%.
20-35 yrs old 75%. [You are in your prime, but are feeling a little up-tight about life. Chill out!]
20-35 yrs old 75%. [You are in your prime, but are feeling a little up-tight about life. Chill out!]
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
(For all those with the little lists. with the big dreams. with the long roads ahead... )
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance..... I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out Reconsider
Give the heavens above More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...... I hope you dance
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance..... I hope you dance
I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out Reconsider
Give the heavens above More than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance...... I hope you dance
--Lee Ann Womack
a lil bitching goes a long way :)
o0k seriously! WTF?!?!?! its like evryone and their frikking uncles are going on beachyyyy vacations!!! EVRYONE EXCPT FOR ME!!!whyyy whyyy o0o0o whyyy?!?! i mean LITERALLY everytime i turn around ....some undeserving person is on their way to or on their way back from peurto rico or miami or jamiaca or hawaiiiii or WHAT THE FUCK! I HATE THEM!! I HATE THEM ALLL!!!!! :'(
thats rightttt!! i am Right Now in the Middle of a frikkin fucking ALL-Consuming, EarthShattering HISSY FITTT!!BITCH FIT! call it what you want! why am i stuck with the frnds who "dont have visas for places" or "cant afford to go on vacation" or are "too busy working for a vactaion" (*said in the nastiest whiniest voice ever*).
This SUCKSSS!!! Welcome to my life and the beautiful sub zero temperatures of Canayda! hmmm wonderful how jealously can make you forget abt all the great things in ur life! hehehhe o well ...feeling a lil better now that i got THAT outta my system.
thats rightttt!! i am Right Now in the Middle of a frikkin fucking ALL-Consuming, EarthShattering HISSY FITTT!!BITCH FIT! call it what you want! why am i stuck with the frnds who "dont have visas for places" or "cant afford to go on vacation" or are "too busy working for a vactaion" (*said in the nastiest whiniest voice ever*).
This SUCKSSS!!! Welcome to my life and the beautiful sub zero temperatures of Canayda! hmmm wonderful how jealously can make you forget abt all the great things in ur life! hehehhe o well ...feeling a lil better now that i got THAT outta my system.
still bloggitying of blogs
sooo0 refering to earlier posts I have decided to make a solomn attempt at preventing THE ADULTRATION OF MY BLOG through any sort of upholding of hypocritical stereotypes for the sake of appearing like the good desi girl that i sorta am but not completely. so yea. this is it.
actually my fight to break against the crappy stereotypes that I HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED to fit into has been going on for quite some time... But now for the purpose of the pureness of my blogness I proclaim to not think before I write. no wait! I will think before I write for that will only make the quality of my writing better and the idea of an intended audience will make my blogs more :) interesting :) (i hope) and stop me from randomly rambling on ...err like i sorta am right now.... err.... yea ....BUT i REFUSE to think abt what "ppl" might thnk of me cuz lets face it im so0o not the giving-a-crap-abt-what-ppl-thnk kinda girl. and yet at times I can be... *urghh*
well I guess im not alone.... a show of hands for the good lil girls who have gone through life pretending to never have expereinced sexual feelings "horny? whats that?!" and a show of hands for the macho boayss who have blamed their girlfrnds, mothers or sisters for "dragging" them to chickflicks they were actually dying to see... you know who you are!!!
so0o0o yea! so0o there!!!
*sigh* such a long way to go but let the journeyss begin.............
(good God i'm melodramatic these days :P)
actually my fight to break against the crappy stereotypes that I HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED to fit into has been going on for quite some time... But now for the purpose of the pureness of my blogness I proclaim to not think before I write. no wait! I will think before I write for that will only make the quality of my writing better and the idea of an intended audience will make my blogs more :) interesting :) (i hope) and stop me from randomly rambling on ...err like i sorta am right now.... err.... yea ....BUT i REFUSE to think abt what "ppl" might thnk of me cuz lets face it im so0o not the giving-a-crap-abt-what-ppl-thnk kinda girl. and yet at times I can be... *urghh*
well I guess im not alone.... a show of hands for the good lil girls who have gone through life pretending to never have expereinced sexual feelings "horny? whats that?!" and a show of hands for the macho boayss who have blamed their girlfrnds, mothers or sisters for "dragging" them to chickflicks they were actually dying to see... you know who you are!!!
so0o0o yea! so0o there!!!
*sigh* such a long way to go but let the journeyss begin.............
(good God i'm melodramatic these days :P)
Ruby Red Sparklesss
For the past couple of days, Iv been walking around with bright red nail polish on my toes and feeling deliciously gorgeous!! Infact its all I can do from stepping out donning beautiful big curls, a white marylin monroeisc dress and the perfect red pout ;)
Monday, March 21, 2005
Summers a'commin :)
everyday when i wake up the mosum in my room is so perfect i keep feeling like its summer outside. I MISSS Montreal Summersssss!!!! I cant wait! I cant wait! a few days of sun and im already so0o0o escited as if summers already here. reality check sammie: its 2 degrees outside.
*Sigh* o well ...just a month or so and then NO ONE can stop me from FROLICKING around in flowy SKIRTS and flipflops and tank tops and tube tops and NANGA clothing!! and chilling at TAMTAMS and window shopping along St Catherines and shroooming one last time at beaver lake and going to St. Sauver and watersporting at Lachine canal and funning at the Old Port and comdey festival and jazz festival and grand prix and uffffff so0o0o much moreeeeeee im am BURSSSSSSTINGGGG with anticipation for some SUMMMERRRRR FUNNN in the SUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!
jeez louise i feel like bursting into 'summer lovin' right now.... with full john travolta and posse style hand movements to the song. how corny am i.
*Sigh* o well ...just a month or so and then NO ONE can stop me from FROLICKING around in flowy SKIRTS and flipflops and tank tops and tube tops and NANGA clothing!! and chilling at TAMTAMS and window shopping along St Catherines and shroooming one last time at beaver lake and going to St. Sauver and watersporting at Lachine canal and funning at the Old Port and comdey festival and jazz festival and grand prix and uffffff so0o0o much moreeeeeee im am BURSSSSSSTINGGGG with anticipation for some SUMMMERRRRR FUNNN in the SUNNNNNNNNNNN!!!
jeez louise i feel like bursting into 'summer lovin' right now.... with full john travolta and posse style hand movements to the song. how corny am i.
so0 yea continuing ......
btw i have a question just to throw out into
Am I the ONLY one who DOESNT have friends that blog?!??!?
i need to get more intellectuallising friendships
but anyway...so0o yea....
the idea of a diary never quite struck a chord with me. I did ofcourse make the same lame attempts at it that everyone does at 12. But as with all secret keeping tactics that too exploded in my face ...fortunatly years later ...but still. So now basically im in fear of someone i know reading this and knowing its me. i mean its not like it would have disasterously dire consequences... its not like iv been bitching abt ppl i know and love...or have i ...daymn my shitty memory..... but yea i would just be better off if that didnt happen. The other day the brother found out that I write in a blog and mentioned it infront of all the friends who all then proceeded to perster me
"can we read it? can we read it?"
"no you may not read it!"
"and if you are reading, it close the screen and walk away from the computer. now!"
btw i have a question just to throw out into
Am I the ONLY one who DOESNT have friends that blog?!??!?
i need to get more intellectuallising friendships
but anyway...so0o yea....
the idea of a diary never quite struck a chord with me. I did ofcourse make the same lame attempts at it that everyone does at 12. But as with all secret keeping tactics that too exploded in my face ...fortunatly years later ...but still. So now basically im in fear of someone i know reading this and knowing its me. i mean its not like it would have disasterously dire consequences... its not like iv been bitching abt ppl i know and love...or have i ...daymn my shitty memory..... but yea i would just be better off if that didnt happen. The other day the brother found out that I write in a blog and mentioned it infront of all the friends who all then proceeded to perster me
"can we read it? can we read it?"
"no you may not read it!"
"and if you are reading, it close the screen and walk away from the computer. now!"
Thursday, March 17, 2005
of blogities and blogitings
Every country, every city in the world has a desi community! No matter where you are in the world not only will you find desis, which ofcourse you will, but you will find desi communities. Its incredible. its like we're all drawn together by some magnificent "desiforce" (whoa could be a name for a cartoon on ptv)
And it doesnt even matter if the desis in question have anything, other then their desihood, in common...hell it doesnt even matter if the desis in question like each other. None of that matters. Nothing will keep "the desis" from communityofying!! dhen dhen! (refecting back on the the cartoon theme ;))
Actually all of this is quite cool, given the ridiculous 'gora-complexes' that so many of us suffer from and the desi-land bashing that everyone thinks is oh-so-hip to indulge in, there is still a bond so strong that goes beyond that and keeps us bound.
I mean comon there are even unofficial desi blogrings on this blogger thing.
And to think I came here to get an "anonymous yet public forum for my private thoughts". hah! how naive was I. Within 2 days of blogging I already found a bunch of people i knew, not well, but in the general know-off way that everyone knows of everyone else in pakistan ...esp khi.
But yea...i dont get it though. I dont know how everyone is able to write in these blogs while knowing your friends are going to be reading this. I dont thnk i could ever do that. or even if i did it would be a very different blog. I duno0o its like for the longest time i wouldnt let the significant other see me in my costume when we went swimming...i would insist he look away till i was safely in the water (i dunno if he always did tho) But for him it made no sense because he was like but all tehse other random people are looking at you and youre fine with that?!?! and I was. thats the point. theyr random. they have no actual bearing on my life. so what difference should it make to me. Needless to say he doesnt understand me blogging either. But you know thats how its always been with me. I dont think iv felt freer then on the streets in the midst of a crowd when iv known theres no one around who i know or who knows me. im free to do all the crazy retarded things I want. sing dance skip hop make faces at strangers for the fuck of it ...yes iv done it all.
last week i was behind this lady while crossing the street and i kept muttering "run run run"
under my breath ...by the time we got to the other side she was practically running! hahah it was daymn funny ...a lil mean maybe but hysterical still...i didnt really think she could even hear me.
but yeaaa getting back to the point..ok now iv forgptten ...gotta go back and read. wait .
And it doesnt even matter if the desis in question have anything, other then their desihood, in common...hell it doesnt even matter if the desis in question like each other. None of that matters. Nothing will keep "the desis" from communityofying!! dhen dhen! (refecting back on the the cartoon theme ;))
Actually all of this is quite cool, given the ridiculous 'gora-complexes' that so many of us suffer from and the desi-land bashing that everyone thinks is oh-so-hip to indulge in, there is still a bond so strong that goes beyond that and keeps us bound.
I mean comon there are even unofficial desi blogrings on this blogger thing.
And to think I came here to get an "anonymous yet public forum for my private thoughts". hah! how naive was I. Within 2 days of blogging I already found a bunch of people i knew, not well, but in the general know-off way that everyone knows of everyone else in pakistan ...esp khi.
But yea...i dont get it though. I dont know how everyone is able to write in these blogs while knowing your friends are going to be reading this. I dont thnk i could ever do that. or even if i did it would be a very different blog. I duno0o its like for the longest time i wouldnt let the significant other see me in my costume when we went swimming...i would insist he look away till i was safely in the water (i dunno if he always did tho) But for him it made no sense because he was like but all tehse other random people are looking at you and youre fine with that?!?! and I was. thats the point. theyr random. they have no actual bearing on my life. so what difference should it make to me. Needless to say he doesnt understand me blogging either. But you know thats how its always been with me. I dont think iv felt freer then on the streets in the midst of a crowd when iv known theres no one around who i know or who knows me. im free to do all the crazy retarded things I want. sing dance skip hop make faces at strangers for the fuck of it ...yes iv done it all.
last week i was behind this lady while crossing the street and i kept muttering "run run run"
under my breath ...by the time we got to the other side she was practically running! hahah it was daymn funny ...a lil mean maybe but hysterical still...i didnt really think she could even hear me.
but yeaaa getting back to the point..ok now iv forgptten ...gotta go back and read. wait .
Sometimes I forget
but then it all comes back to me
I think I've moved on.gotten over it.(is that even possible?). I dont think about it as much. I think about it and I dont feel that lump in my throat or the tears well up at the corners of my eyes. and i think. i wonder. I'm over This Already?!
But then
just a jolt. to jog my memory. of all the loss.
and
im Back under-the-covers.Unable to Breathe.Clutching him. wanting everything to stay. Everyone. to Stay. Fighting. fighting tears at the thought of having to battle demons in my dreams.again.
how do you get over death?
or rather SHOULD you even try.let your guard down.try to let it go and somebody else...you could never know
but then it all comes back to me
I think I've moved on.gotten over it.(is that even possible?). I dont think about it as much. I think about it and I dont feel that lump in my throat or the tears well up at the corners of my eyes. and i think. i wonder. I'm over This Already?!
But then
just a jolt. to jog my memory. of all the loss.
and
im Back under-the-covers.Unable to Breathe.Clutching him. wanting everything to stay. Everyone. to Stay. Fighting. fighting tears at the thought of having to battle demons in my dreams.again.
how do you get over death?
or rather SHOULD you even try.let your guard down.try to let it go and somebody else...you could never know
Friday, March 11, 2005
is it always going to be this difficult? will it always hurt so much? like a bad feeling brewing in the pit of my stomach. like the flood of tears waiting to happen. the muffled scream at the back of my throat. and even when you let it out... it somehow doesnt make it all good again. you move on try to forget but the bad feeling the tears the scream they just keep piling one on top of the other until one day.
spend forever waiting.. anticipating that day....
spend forever waiting.. anticipating that day....
when your young everyone keeps saying how "kids just think they know everything" and your thinking "ofcourse i dont think i know everything that would be stupid". What i realize now is that even though you might not think that you know everything what you dont quite realize how little it is you actually know. As I grow older...ie become a grown-up *shudders at the thought* the only idea that reaffirms itself repeatedly(without being asked to) is that of absolute uncertainity. theres very little these days that i find i can be definatly absolutely sure about. and im someone whos known to have her opinion on everything. Its strange. even though my awareness of the world around me has heightened so has the tendancy to tread carefully around all matters. my lack of certainity is disturbing. and yet not so much.
See even now i just cant get my stuff together to put any idea across with even a smidgen of coherence. everytime i i try to sort out stuff in my head or put it on paper i just get caught up with so many thoughts on the idea that i get tangled up even before i start....
See even now i just cant get my stuff together to put any idea across with even a smidgen of coherence. everytime i i try to sort out stuff in my head or put it on paper i just get caught up with so many thoughts on the idea that i get tangled up even before i start....
Sunday, March 06, 2005
sing a song champ?
i wish i could sing ...really belt out hardcore notes !!
you know when ur in this mood and ur sitting listening to the music and you wanna let out all thats pent up inside you and you wanna sing out loud......and you just cant.
or you do and its just... not......
thats it new item on the the to-do list :
#149729: learn to sing!!
you know when ur in this mood and ur sitting listening to the music and you wanna let out all thats pent up inside you and you wanna sing out loud......and you just cant.
or you do and its just... not......
thats it new item on the the to-do list :
#149729: learn to sing!!
Saturday, March 05, 2005
....this is why i love matchbox 20. im sitting and ranting feeling sorry for myself and this song comes on :P
I Feel Stupid But I Know It Won't Last For Long
I've Been Guessing I Coulda Been Guessin' Wrong
You Don't Know Me Now
I Kinda Thought That You Should Somehow
Does That Whole Mad Season Got Ya Down
I Feel Stupid But It's Something That Comes And Goes
I've Been Changin' Think It's Funny How No One Knows
We Don't Talk About The Little Things That We Do Without
When That Whole Mad Season Comes Around...
...I Feel Stupid But I Think I Been Catchin' On
Will That Whole Mad Season Knock You Down
So Are You Gonna Stand There
Are You Gonna Help Me Out
You Need To Be Together Now I Need You Now
Now I'm Cryin' Isn't That What You Want
I'm Tryin' To Live My Life On My Own
But I Won't
At Times I Do Believe I Am Strong
So Someone Tell Me
Why Why Why
Do I Feel Stupid
And I Came Undone
---mAD SEASON.matchbox 20
I Feel Stupid But I Know It Won't Last For Long
I've Been Guessing I Coulda Been Guessin' Wrong
You Don't Know Me Now
I Kinda Thought That You Should Somehow
Does That Whole Mad Season Got Ya Down
I Feel Stupid But It's Something That Comes And Goes
I've Been Changin' Think It's Funny How No One Knows
We Don't Talk About The Little Things That We Do Without
When That Whole Mad Season Comes Around...
...I Feel Stupid But I Think I Been Catchin' On
I Feel Ugly But I Know I Still Turn You On (i hope)
You Seem Colder Now Torn Apart Angry Turned AroundWill That Whole Mad Season Knock You Down
So Are You Gonna Stand There
Are You Gonna Help Me Out
You Need To Be Together Now I Need You Now
Now I'm Cryin' Isn't That What You Want
I'm Tryin' To Live My Life On My Own
But I Won't
At Times I Do Believe I Am Strong
So Someone Tell Me
Why Why Why
Do I Feel Stupid
And I Came Undone
---mAD SEASON.matchbox 20
raging against myself
*URGHHHHHHH*!!
I hate this. i hate the way i look right now. sitting on my ass iv put on so0o much friggin weight that i haveto lose 10 pounds to go back to being overwieght! what the fuck.and the thing is that i DONT want to do the whole losing wieght running gym shit thing. i HATE RUNNING! i hate it! its fucking boring. exhausting. im literally counnting the seconds while im doing it. and most of the time i get of the daymn machine out of boredom than actual exhaustion.and the thing is that its the only thing that'll act make me lose this weight. relatively fast.im so0o impatient i can NOT do the whole drawn out one year of proper weight loss thing .... one week of consious wieght losing effort and im on my last nerve. this is where i end up each time. fuck.its crazy ... but iv been thnking abt it and i realized that iv been caught up in this wieght thing since i hit puberty....and its never going to end! and its not even like i have a hunderd or friggin 50 pounds to lose ...no. its just 20 fucking pounds and ill be perfect. and i just dont have the pateince or the will power really to stick it through. i get all gungho and do the one week of running and eating healthy and no chocolates and all and i feel like oh my God im putting myself thru hell and back and at the end of the week im just run out of motivation. completely.and now 2 weeks later im sitting here feeling really crappy about myself wishing i had my flat stomach back and yet not really motivated to get off my lazy ass and go excercise.i duno0o if its the weather (when in doubt blame the cold) or im just fucking masochistic...prob the 2nd choice...not to mention lazyyyfucking fuk.
I hate this. i hate the way i look right now. sitting on my ass iv put on so0o much friggin weight that i haveto lose 10 pounds to go back to being overwieght! what the fuck.and the thing is that i DONT want to do the whole losing wieght running gym shit thing. i HATE RUNNING! i hate it! its fucking boring. exhausting. im literally counnting the seconds while im doing it. and most of the time i get of the daymn machine out of boredom than actual exhaustion.and the thing is that its the only thing that'll act make me lose this weight. relatively fast.im so0o impatient i can NOT do the whole drawn out one year of proper weight loss thing .... one week of consious wieght losing effort and im on my last nerve. this is where i end up each time. fuck.its crazy ... but iv been thnking abt it and i realized that iv been caught up in this wieght thing since i hit puberty....and its never going to end! and its not even like i have a hunderd or friggin 50 pounds to lose ...no. its just 20 fucking pounds and ill be perfect. and i just dont have the pateince or the will power really to stick it through. i get all gungho and do the one week of running and eating healthy and no chocolates and all and i feel like oh my God im putting myself thru hell and back and at the end of the week im just run out of motivation. completely.and now 2 weeks later im sitting here feeling really crappy about myself wishing i had my flat stomach back and yet not really motivated to get off my lazy ass and go excercise.i duno0o if its the weather (when in doubt blame the cold) or im just fucking masochistic...prob the 2nd choice...not to mention lazyyyfucking fuk.
Friday, March 04, 2005
private conversations
youve never truely understood me.
deep down ... the dark. the empty bits
or maybe you do and just choose to ignore them.
I cant explain myself. I am who I am ..... you remind me that when we had that fight that time and i wouldnt see you and i wouldnt talk to you and i told you to change and you did you still are ...why cant i do that? i dont know. its not because i dont love you. i just dont want to. i like that dark that empty that unaffectionate me. it makes me me. i like it as much as i like the happy bubbly giggly affectionate me. is it wrong of me to want to keep both. i know when im being a bitch its true i acknowlege that side of me i can be cruel. that me im ashamed of i'll try to change that. but this. this isnt that. this is me and i dont know how to explain to you what that means. and that part of me doesnt even want to have to justify herself. i dunoo why im writing this. its not like you'll ever read this and even if you do you mark it down to bitchy writing against you. its not tho i really want to fix things between us i think thats why iv started becoming so apathetic towards things. seriously you say i dont try but i do. i'v even made a consious effort to forget about the things we fight about so i can get over them and not hold them agaisnt you for the next week. and i have succeeded in forgetting about them. that the sadness lingers on after is something im still trying to work on. i dont know what im doing. i dont know why im doing it. we just spin round and round in circles anyway. always. why cant it ever be different. why cant we just wake up one day and you understand me completely and i understand you. no judgements.
You know im not lying when i say that i dont thnk im the one for you. i honestly think there is someone out there someone who will make you so much happier then i can. some one who is just what you need. you just got met me too early and then got stuck. i guess i didnt really give you a chance. im sorry for that. i really am. im sorry that i cant make you happy all the time. im sorry that you feel that you dont make me happy. cuz you do. and the times when im not happy its not because of you. (well excpt for time like now ...then you do have smthng to do w/ it) but otherwise its not that im depressed and ur doing something wrong. its just me. and im ok with that. you know my biggest fear as a kid and moreso a teenager was that id die without falling in love. but im glad that because of you i got that out of the way. i also was afraid that i would end up alone. that doesnt bother me so much anymore. sometimes i thnk that maybe i am destined to be alone cuz thats who i am. even though i surround myself with friends and family there is a big part of me im not comfortable sharing. i like that there is a whole space inside of me all to myself. but i dont think that is something you should have to deal with if you cant. you think that you are so dependant on me and i really dont give a shit but what you dont know is how i fall to pieces when your not around. what you dont see is how much i need you because there isnt anyone else who can take your place. no one. and having to make the decision, i may not be able to chose between you and my family but thats only because i dont ever want to be in that position. no one no one ever ever could mean to me what you do. no could ever have the place in my life and in my heart that you take. i dont know why you cant understand that. im different from you. i know i am . we both do. we think differently we do different things were poles apart and yet were together wev been together for more then 4 years now. i know you need me to be more affectionate and i try i truely do but that doesnt mean im going to not be upset at you when something goes wrong or tell you why im angry at something. i dunoo i dunoo what to say. it hurts me when you underestimate my feelings for you. or your place in my life. or when you take things i say out of context and take them to mean that i want you out....of my bed/house/orlife. why cant you understand me when i talk to you. just try to think about what im saying . try to listen. i know you thnk differently from i do and somethings dont add up in ur head but try to put urself in my shoes. try to understand that just because u dont thnk i certain way doesnt mean i cant. And even if we dont see eye to eye on something all i want is for you to be able to say ok i see where your coming from thats all. i love you so much i care about you more then anything and i want to do whatever i can to help you when your down but theres only so much i can do. and if that doesnt end up being enough ....
im sorry.
deep down ... the dark. the empty bits
or maybe you do and just choose to ignore them.
I cant explain myself. I am who I am ..... you remind me that when we had that fight that time and i wouldnt see you and i wouldnt talk to you and i told you to change and you did you still are ...why cant i do that? i dont know. its not because i dont love you. i just dont want to. i like that dark that empty that unaffectionate me. it makes me me. i like it as much as i like the happy bubbly giggly affectionate me. is it wrong of me to want to keep both. i know when im being a bitch its true i acknowlege that side of me i can be cruel. that me im ashamed of i'll try to change that. but this. this isnt that. this is me and i dont know how to explain to you what that means. and that part of me doesnt even want to have to justify herself. i dunoo why im writing this. its not like you'll ever read this and even if you do you mark it down to bitchy writing against you. its not tho i really want to fix things between us i think thats why iv started becoming so apathetic towards things. seriously you say i dont try but i do. i'v even made a consious effort to forget about the things we fight about so i can get over them and not hold them agaisnt you for the next week. and i have succeeded in forgetting about them. that the sadness lingers on after is something im still trying to work on. i dont know what im doing. i dont know why im doing it. we just spin round and round in circles anyway. always. why cant it ever be different. why cant we just wake up one day and you understand me completely and i understand you. no judgements.
You know im not lying when i say that i dont thnk im the one for you. i honestly think there is someone out there someone who will make you so much happier then i can. some one who is just what you need. you just got met me too early and then got stuck. i guess i didnt really give you a chance. im sorry for that. i really am. im sorry that i cant make you happy all the time. im sorry that you feel that you dont make me happy. cuz you do. and the times when im not happy its not because of you. (well excpt for time like now ...then you do have smthng to do w/ it) but otherwise its not that im depressed and ur doing something wrong. its just me. and im ok with that. you know my biggest fear as a kid and moreso a teenager was that id die without falling in love. but im glad that because of you i got that out of the way. i also was afraid that i would end up alone. that doesnt bother me so much anymore. sometimes i thnk that maybe i am destined to be alone cuz thats who i am. even though i surround myself with friends and family there is a big part of me im not comfortable sharing. i like that there is a whole space inside of me all to myself. but i dont think that is something you should have to deal with if you cant. you think that you are so dependant on me and i really dont give a shit but what you dont know is how i fall to pieces when your not around. what you dont see is how much i need you because there isnt anyone else who can take your place. no one. and having to make the decision, i may not be able to chose between you and my family but thats only because i dont ever want to be in that position. no one no one ever ever could mean to me what you do. no could ever have the place in my life and in my heart that you take. i dont know why you cant understand that. im different from you. i know i am . we both do. we think differently we do different things were poles apart and yet were together wev been together for more then 4 years now. i know you need me to be more affectionate and i try i truely do but that doesnt mean im going to not be upset at you when something goes wrong or tell you why im angry at something. i dunoo i dunoo what to say. it hurts me when you underestimate my feelings for you. or your place in my life. or when you take things i say out of context and take them to mean that i want you out....of my bed/house/orlife. why cant you understand me when i talk to you. just try to think about what im saying . try to listen. i know you thnk differently from i do and somethings dont add up in ur head but try to put urself in my shoes. try to understand that just because u dont thnk i certain way doesnt mean i cant. And even if we dont see eye to eye on something all i want is for you to be able to say ok i see where your coming from thats all. i love you so much i care about you more then anything and i want to do whatever i can to help you when your down but theres only so much i can do. and if that doesnt end up being enough ....
im sorry.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Mad Girl's Love Song
"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)
I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
-- Sylvia Plath
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Peachy keen, Jellybean
"My friend says I have to learn to love my periods, that they're part of the sacred cycle of the earth and the moon. Words failed me at this juncture, which was fortunate really because had I thought about it I would have told her to get on her sacred cycle and ride it off a sodding cliff"
--
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