private conversations

youve never truely understood me.
deep down ... the dark. the empty bits

or maybe you do and just choose to ignore them.
I cant explain myself. I am who I am ..... you remind me that when we had that fight that time and i wouldnt see you and i wouldnt talk to you and i told you to change and you did you still are ...why cant i do that? i dont know. its not because i dont love you. i just dont want to. i like that dark that empty that unaffectionate me. it makes me me. i like it as much as i like the happy bubbly giggly affectionate me. is it wrong of me to want to keep both. i know when im being a bitch its true i acknowlege that side of me i can be cruel. that me im ashamed of i'll try to change that. but this. this isnt that. this is me and i dont know how to explain to you what that means. and that part of me doesnt even want to have to justify herself. i dunoo why im writing this. its not like you'll ever read this and even if you do you mark it down to bitchy writing against you. its not tho i really want to fix things between us i think thats why iv started becoming so apathetic towards things. seriously you say i dont try but i do. i'v even made a consious effort to forget about the things we fight about so i can get over them and not hold them agaisnt you for the next week. and i have succeeded in forgetting about them. that the sadness lingers on after is something im still trying to work on. i dont know what im doing. i dont know why im doing it. we just spin round and round in circles anyway. always. why cant it ever be different. why cant we just wake up one day and you understand me completely and i understand you. no judgements.

You know im not lying when i say that i dont thnk im the one for you. i honestly think there is someone out there someone who will make you so much happier then i can. some one who is just what you need. you just got met me too early and then got stuck. i guess i didnt really give you a chance. im sorry for that. i really am. im sorry that i cant make you happy all the time. im sorry that you feel that you dont make me happy. cuz you do. and the times when im not happy its not because of you. (well excpt for time like now ...then you do have smthng to do w/ it) but otherwise its not that im depressed and ur doing something wrong. its just me. and im ok with that. you know my biggest fear as a kid and moreso a teenager was that id die without falling in love. but im glad that because of you i got that out of the way. i also was afraid that i would end up alone. that doesnt bother me so much anymore. sometimes i thnk that maybe i am destined to be alone cuz thats who i am. even though i surround myself with friends and family there is a big part of me im not comfortable sharing. i like that there is a whole space inside of me all to myself. but i dont think that is something you should have to deal with if you cant. you think that you are so dependant on me and i really dont give a shit but what you dont know is how i fall to pieces when your not around. what you dont see is how much i need you because there isnt anyone else who can take your place. no one. and having to make the decision, i may not be able to chose between you and my family but thats only because i dont ever want to be in that position. no one no one ever ever could mean to me what you do. no could ever have the place in my life and in my heart that you take. i dont know why you cant understand that. im different from you. i know i am . we both do. we think differently we do different things were poles apart and yet were together wev been together for more then 4 years now. i know you need me to be more affectionate and i try i truely do but that doesnt mean im going to not be upset at you when something goes wrong or tell you why im angry at something. i dunoo i dunoo what to say. it hurts me when you underestimate my feelings for you. or your place in my life. or when you take things i say out of context and take them to mean that i want you out....of my bed/house/orlife. why cant you understand me when i talk to you. just try to think about what im saying . try to listen. i know you thnk differently from i do and somethings dont add up in ur head but try to put urself in my shoes. try to understand that just because u dont thnk i certain way doesnt mean i cant. And even if we dont see eye to eye on something all i want is for you to be able to say ok i see where your coming from thats all. i love you so much i care about you more then anything and i want to do whatever i can to help you when your down but theres only so much i can do. and if that doesnt end up being enough ....


im sorry.