Why is it that at the very point in my life where i need to sort my self out, let out all this shit, and just scream I decide to go very very very quite .... Seriously. I can be so fucking loud otherwise ...why have I chosen now to lower the volume. Just when im going through the most significant change in my life.
Why is life is so complicated? Why do I have to make decisions? Why are people as a race so fucking fucked up? Why did I have to grow up anyway? (yes yes i know "welcome to the real world and all that jazz..." welll FUCK THAT SHIT!!!
*me doing the delicately choreographed blend of a Screw-You-World jig and a Thats-Not-Fucking-Fair tantrum!!!
sonofabitch. Im in tears one minute and giggling away the next. How easy it is for me to just not think abt stuff ...put it away for another day ...i feel like Scarlet O'Hara (even though that was the one thing that kinda creeped me abt her) but well ...she said she would deal with it tommorrow ....i make no such empty promise to myself. i leave it at "aaah fuck it!" ....whats so fucked up is that at those times I feel shitty about not feeling shitty.
seriously. 17 more points FOR my earlier theory on how great life would be if we all asexul seriously think about it ....so0o much less grief...make urself happy and get on w/ it ...none of this depending on, caring for, worrying about, fighting with, miserable without BULLSHIT!!!
A-S-E-X-U-A-L!!!
EVERY PERSON FOR THEMSELVES!
NONE OF THIS PAIRING UP-SOULMATE-HEARTACHE-CANTLIVE-FUCK WITH-SONOFABITCH-PDA-OLDMAID-GETTINGLAID-COUPLESHIT-LOVENHATE!!!!
Suddenly at the end of this list i feel like crying. It wierd to be living on the brink of tears for the past week. Who knows what might set off the waterworks. Its not cuz i disagree w/ myself. hell no! im still all for asexuality as a reorientaion required for teh peace and survival of humans but then again ....i really dont want to left without the aforementioned bullshit...i loved it ....i love him.
Fuck havnt told any of myfrnds as yet and here I am pouring my heart out to the blackhole of the internet for GodKnowsWho to read. traits of the bastard child of a culture traumatized by reality TV? Fuck I have issues .....hmmm what was that quote ..."you thnk you have issues..i have a damn subscription" ....really not that funny ...apt though ....
I'm so0o fucking tired. I just cant help these tears sometimes ...at the strangest times I get heavy. my bones get really really heavy and I dont feel like moving. speaking. breathing. Is it always this difficult. How the fuck do ppl get through this? I asked chip how she did it. she replied "you were there for me". I dont thnk i can let anyone be there for me though. Truthfully I dont want to let anyone in because what did they about you and me. And how would they know anyway. Im scared I'm not doing you justice. Not mourning 'us' giving 'us' our rightful respects ...but i dont want to. I dont want to accept that its over. I have. but I cant. fuck I feel schitzo.
...
write more someother time ..... dont feel like being emotional abhi (the scarlet syndrome hits again) :s
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