it will always be me :)

well... did you?!

'That is why, in families that kept the ancient traditions, girls were not allowed to meet men until the moment of auspicious seeing, shubho drishti, when the bride and groom gave themselves to each other with their eyes. It wasn’t, as Anju said, to keep the woman ignorant and under control. The elders in their wisdom had done it to prevent heartbreak.'
- Chitra Banerjee Divakaruni [Excerpt: Sister of My Heart. Lifted from: http://pkblogs.com/expressome]


She found it uncomfortable to look directly into the eyes, of people, when she talked to them. I realize now its because when she did, she opened herself to them; an open invitation to come on in ... willing or unwilling, it seems, she gave a part of herself away when she did. Her eyes opened up in ways when he/they stared at her. She felt certain connections, sometimes, and in affection, she met the connection halfway. To her thats what it was; a connection, affection .... an experience.. but they always seemed to see/want more. (an experience .... what makes it such a bad word? to experience a thing and keep it to that .... its what life is after all .... one experience or rather one daymn thing after another) Its ______ [insert appropriate adjective] what the eyes can do, the things that are said without meaning to. ... (and whats even more is, sometimes, the things read without even being there ...)

Perhaps it was something about her eyes. Or maybe it was something about those who chose to look in.

("did you look at him in the same way?")

They say it isn't possible.

Im skimming blogs these days and seeing people writing about making it happen when 'they say it isn't possible' .. i find myself wanting to jump on this bandwagon as well .... not to agree and say how i made it against all odds .... but rather the opposite ...

iv made it in whatever small way ...so far ... because they kept telling me it was possible ....possible for me to do anything and everything .... theyve surrounded me and encouraged me every step of the way ..... every new harebrained half baked scheme that i set my mind on .... theyve laughed at my crazy flaky overambitiousness but then told me i could do it! do it all ...everything!

and everytime ive freaked out and doubted myself they have been there to reassure me that for me anything is possible ....'they' are the ones that matter!

(iv been lucky *MASHALLAH* to have them all .... and for that im very very grateful!)

it seems like a bit much ...this beat churning through the bulbous vein-like melodies of song. absurd really if you think about it. If you breathed in this smell of my hair falling at my face now....how would it make you feel. If you sat close enough to let me breathe you in .... (I dont know know) what youre feeling..... What youre thinking of when you look (did you even look) in my direction. have i left you in the lurch. abandoned ship ... or is it irrelevent all of it ... either way ... its kind of wierd ...strange ... absurd at best. we put ourselves through these things ... and then we wonder at the wonder of it all.

back tracking

If I could (have it my way)

I'd
Switch off these lights
and I'd be

with just a sliver of something
Thrown in the darkness
In a dark room
odd circles. Circles of odds and

I'd dance with eyes closed
With arms (wrapped) around me

(keep me warm)

Moving me to the beat.
Beats. One for each
in me.

My heart (held) in the palm of a hand.
Slippery it would
Happy be.

And my hips with a life of their own would guide the legs the feet.

Breaths heavy down my neck.
Slipping lower
down
Bare shoulders would settle still
in a circle

at the small of
my back.

(document created: 26.09.06 11:36am)


Sitting stuck inside my headphones with my back to the rest of them. The music is so loud...and yet only audible to me ...that its like im drowning the world out ...drowning myself in a way ...overpowered by the sheer volume forgetting the content of these sounds. These voices (the ones in my head need a rest anyway)
The headphones are cool .... the song started and I felt as if someone had come up from behind and started singing in my ears ..... Kinda shocked me a little. I think its just the strangeness of ..... this time.....
the choices Ive made. those that I am making. Those that will stay with me forever. (those that will disappear) I wonder where these choices will lead and whether my happily ever after will even be so.
It seems I cant write. again. it seems awkward strange. These tunes playing in my head play with my thoughts and tease them out of their comfortable corners. This is the time. There will be no such other (because i don't really want to be that person do i). So I risk it. fuck it. face forward eyes open breathe in the fumes that may empower/intoxicate/suffocate me. I don't know where I will end up. I don't know whats going to become of this. Of me. I don't know anything. Right wrong love hate in between the miles the million shades of grey that I hide behind. That carry me along in these times.
That there will never be satisfaction for me. That I will never live up to it all. To all of the people that look to me to save them. To make it all better. I cant....you know ....And above that I wont. Sometimes I feel the catholic guilt from the catholic side of the family perhaps. A sinner born, a lifetime of repentance follows. Guilty for the sins of those around me. For the circumstances that surround us. For everything that I cant change for everything that I am.
I seem to make a habit of starting out with an apology. I should stop. Were all grown ups here. Arnt we. I wouldn't blame you ....

[... the rest was left unwritten...]

(document created: 30.09.06)

There are plans there are colours there are lines that stream through the underside of skin. At 23 (for a few more days) I cant afford to be shy. It might just end my life forever and do I want it to end here?

(document created: 30.09.06)



Its when I hear that music that I feel like writing that I feel like be high like slipping out of my skin and fitting myself into that slot where everything just is in a space a fragment of time frozen. Everything is surreal there everything is hazy a little fuzzy ....and oh so fine. When I drive with the sun warming the right side of my face and my hands cold. Freezing even. There used to ambitions. used to plans. Used to be something more then living in the moment. But these moments theyr ok. Not so bad. And I seem to find happiness in them. In between the melodies between the waves that crash at our feet on the edges of these rocks. I wonder about the baggage im supposed to carry ..... that which I do. I wonder about how it simply vanishes at moments like these. There is no baggage it seems at moments like these. None from the years stacked up behind me none from the days that just went past. I can escape them when I fly. It only when I come crashing down that I feel the full force of my life as it has been. But for now. This is fine. This is ok.
Inspiring even .... And its fun.

(document created: 13.10.06 1:43 pm)

'samone will live happily ever after .... and perhaps someone like me will be able to suck some of that happiness for myself .... perhaps'

(document created: 31.10.06 2:20 pm)

i get a headache everytime i cry

So what do we do? What do we do?

I know it hurts. But it's life, and it's real. And sometimes it fucking hurts, but it's life, and it's pretty much all we got.



----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone.




('garden state')

dont read this and ask me any questions

i love him i love him i love him .... im still in love with him. i dont know if its him or the diea of him. but it is him. and no one else. else is other things not him. could never be him. else is fun for now. and another thing i could/will break.... Options. theyre endless. The endless lives i could live instead of this. break off break away. excpt i dont want to. It even feels like the perfect option. But i cant. and yet.. its still incomplete. still i dont know if it ever will be. if we'll be able to go back after everything. everything we'v done to each other. I hate this. hate feeling like this. hate making him feel like this. I told him today that i couldnt lie to him. I cant lie and say i dont love him. and i cant lie and say i can be with him. and thats it. im fucking us both over. fucking fucking fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. No one else really means anything. its all irrelevant. all timepass. Im not ready for relationships. Im not ready for the relationship that i steped into when i was 18 and that has crawled and settled quite comfortably under my skin...im not ready for its implications. Im not ready for life. If it was just me I would sort it out. But its not ofcourse hes involved as well. and how he works and what iv done to him i dont know. I want to scratch my fucking nails down a wall. maybe that will make things better. .....

I'm taking refuge in denial ...solace in distraction ....I push it to the back left hand corner of my thoughts my preoccupations .... and I hurt him ...more then hes ever been hurt before... how could he not hes never really had the chance to be hurt by anyone else before....
its all so irrelevant ...all so ... fucking fucked up ..pointless existance... circles endless designed to suffocate our lives out of us...

we ended it 9 months ago ...and have been ending it ever since..... my lifes been in pieces ...crumbling since... since long before.... i cant undo the things iv done .... and i have to see through my choices .... if it was only that easy ..... if i knew what i wanted .... im sick of the indecision im sick of being scared .... im sick of the options ...... im sick of life and how its works out. im sick of all the million little possibilities .... the million little pieces i could shatter into if you were to touch me right now .... or I you ......

im a fucking idiot
fucking cunt

somethings are blogging

so im reading this article thats titled " what really makes her happy"
an article of what women want by a woman halfway through the para ends with "ultimatly in our search for COMPLETE bliss we become totally strung out and end up not actually doing anything properly. Women!" As women, we have to make a million choices; but having chosen, we haunted by the possibilty that our choices might be incorrect........... therefore our brilliant solution to the matter ends up being ....dont choose at all !”

so0o the article was interesting but then it became abt how choices are always relative and the choices that make the happiness and basically blah-blah-bullshit
do your choixes make you happy?
ok ur seriously asking me that?!?!
choices fuck me up ...and u know that ....i make do / make believe with what i can at a time .... but since i want it ALL always im not always good with it all that.... so yea ... the choices they fuck me up

and yet without them i would suffocate in a corner and DIE!
yes you would...because breathing itself is a choice....wah wah!
no0o actually it isnt .... its an inbuilt reflex action that is quite hard to fight againist so take the wah wah stand in a corner and think abt it
standing in corner and thinking about the wah wah....
i need music to go with my life at this very point in my life ... my life is musicless ....
as is mine
and it makes me feel empty inside .... 23 and tired with life ....could i have been any one other then me
we should endeavour to search and destroy new musics by allotting then to teh strange strangeness in our respective lives .... what say you??
(im now in roza...)
time to pray...
yeaa i should pray too ....
this ramzan feels strange somehow
its sad ... but its not teh same ....
strange that you should say that....i was thinking the exact same thing yesterday for me it was the fact that i was drinking untill the last possible minute
also because everyone in diff parts of the world started on diff days
yup that too ...but more then that .... im not connecting on the level that i usually do ....
which is scary if i let myself think abt it
im going through the motions of course hoping that it will trigger something perhaps
(it scares me sometimes the way i can just go through the motions while not feeling/feeling something quite different on the inside)
its chill yaar....the older you get the more you wonder....crises of faith ahoy! Basically relax

her eyes

The girl in the mirror in front of me is different from the one that had been there these past 23 years. The other one, I assume, she'd found something better to do and so had left. And in her place now......left behind was this. girl.

I don't know what fascinated me about her or what fascinated her about me …but we would sit, her and I .....staring at each other for hours on end. I studied her. Thin straight wisps for eyebrows Round eyes that seem to change everyday, a small nose with one nostril slightly higher slightly different then the other. There was something flat about her face; a face that changed when she smiled. Once every few days when the sun fell at a certain angle and the air smelt right the cherub-like mouth on her would break into a small strange smile. On those days I sometimes smiled as well. And when she looked away, I would pretend to do the same while stealing secretive glances at her. Sometimes she almost looked like someone else. Someone strange. And I wondered if she had switched places with another and wondered if this was even her? It was. I'm pretty sure. But even then I would measure her features out just to be sure.

We never talked, her and I, though I considered it on several occasions. But every time I thought to say something I realized the insignificance of what I was going to say. And I thought of how that would only ruin things. Words do that you see. They ruin everything.
It's a strange cycle you get sucked into once you start playing with words. And everyone plays with words. Words aren't used to convey thoughts or even feelings like everyone thinks they are ((they couldn't possibly anyway)). They're for playing. Word play. A play on words. No one says the things they want to, only those expected of them or more often than that, things they think are expected of them. And the older you get the more necessary all this becomes. Smile, agree and move along. Anything else… an exchange of anything real … is just not worth the effort now is it? Too complicated. But things between the two of us hadn't gotten fucked up like that as yet. Not complicated. So you can see why I didn't want to ruin it.

I don't like words. And I know she doesn't either. And yet there were days when I stared into those eyes without a spark and I wondered what she thought of when she looked at me. That more then anything is what tempted me.

3:45pm

26.08.06

WRITE DAYMNIT

right

i needed time

i got into the car alone .... they play such shit on a saturday that very soon my creative black was plugged into my ears and i was listening to that music again ... it had been a while ... the clear drops lacing their way down the window were mirrored by those running down my cheek.... here i was again ...writing on the back of a used envelope this time and making my way to another city ...... iv been here before ..... and yet in some ways iv never been here ..... never wanted to be here ....

everythings fallen apart .... and so have i ..... all the more in my own eyes .....
this is self loathing .... this is failure

---------------------------------------------------------

this place is beautiful ..... this house with its collection of things that move me ..... these people with thier connections to my history ...... there are many things i can learn .. many i may not want to....

you do not have a beloved? ...... but how do you manage that? not having some one to love?

and even though its wonderful .... my being here just doent feel right ..... not without you .... we had a pact of sorts .... but i guess i needed to come here .... see all this without you ..... for i have once before as well .....

the light in this house, the music, the shelves crammed up to the ceiling with bits and pieces and a world of collected treasures... this feeling that comes over me in a place like this .....

---------------------------------------------------------

.......and the country i dreamed of for years .... so very different from that i had built in my mind .... the people the place the language the movements ...... all so differnt .... and so am i .... my first break from everything ..... and then me breqking down ...i needed more of the sea then i got from here ....an hour isnt nearly enough to calm me down and yet it did ......

perspective over the days .... i thnk iv got some ... regqrdless of everything ..... and i dont quite have faith but im going to try and build some ..... annd maybe rebuild my self while im at it ..... fuck i sound all wise and what not ... hahah wonder how long that will last ...... ill get back to real life and watch myself falll apart again ...... (i hope not)

I'm a vindictive little bitch, truth be told!

[before]

Clementine: Joel, I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

[after]

Joel: I remember that speech really well.
Clementine: I had you pegged, didn't I?
Joel: You had the whole human race pegged.
Clementine: Probably.
Joel: I still thought you were going to save me. Even after that.

i would have written about something else but then i abadoned him all over again

I let myself in though I know Im not supposed to but
I never know when Im done

Abandoned. its how he feels … and he doesnt understand it. And we now are stuck. slipping and sliding around in vicious tunnels/circles upon circles upon circles . (I cant be with him because he refuses to understand and he refuses to understand because I. cant. be. with. him.)

And I see you fogging up the mirror
Vapor round your body glistens in the shower
And I want to stay right here and go down on you for an hour
Or stay, and let the day just fade away

and I know he knows. he realizes and yet because he doesnt want to. he just doesnt (denial). and I get it because I know him I know how he gets and I want to be there for him but I cant. Because this is not where I want to be. im sorry im a bitch. selfish. but I dont want this for myself. I never did. and I just dont know how to be.

take the moment of hope
And let it run, and never look back at all the damage we have done now
To each other
To each other
To each other

years weve spent. breathing together. every second. a moment that I remember myself alive light happy truly was a moment spent lying in a room on a bed next to you. it was light outside and we were just. together. and I was happy. truly. its been a while since/been too long…

Now her appetite is blown, little else is known
Except she a little angry, grabs a towel and looks away

And now. Youre bitter/resentful because you insist that you dont matter. never did. last on my list. Over and over and over. the same conversation. the same draining feelings. the same blog posts about the same unchanging you.

Time passes and it tells us what were left with
We become the things we do
Me Im a fool, spent from defiance, yeah you got me but
I didnt give up on you

(I picture you singing along..a song for you)

and its not easy being me
But I cant promise I will mend or bend
When you believe that we are fixed now from our birth
And Ive just fallen back to earth
Still you know Ill try again
Cause I believe that we are lucky
We are golden were stolen manners
In the days when we were one

So when I see you, despite all that weve become
Im still blinded
But Im still staring down the sun
When I see you
Im blinded

my posture has gotten so fucked up recently. I really need to work on that.

here i am ..... ending it with you again.. AGAIN... and having to be the one to say ...'its over' ..'i dont want it' again!!
and the thing is that i cant tell you how much it fucking kills me everytime i have to say it ...because if i do ... you will continue the way you have been for the past 6mths ..and we will lose any hope of ever being anything to each other ...and i will lose everything .... so i have to say goodbye to you over and over and over .... and keep cutting my arm off everytime it fucking grows back ...
you think im fine ... you think this is easy for me ..and so you say all sorts of things to me ///. and i have to take it ...and i ahve to let you or else you wont let me go.... and i cant stay here because even though this here hurts more then anything else iv known ...if i stay in this any longer ...it will suffocate me .... and i will no longer be the person you fell in love with ... shes fading fast ... and anymore of this and there will only be traces of her left behind ...

im not melodramatic ..i swear .... im just lost
.... and if only he could see ... just understand ...maybe ...just maybe it might .....but he wont ... and i have to live with that ... and i have to live ...... without him ./......

for some reason i keep thinking its july .... and its really throwing me off ....

show me yours

so iv been writing these past few days....but in little pockets of sorts..... i start off fine but then (for watever reason) i stop. ... put it away ... and the next time ...i start all over again ... so pockets. of sorts. (some draft ...others pocket) ...
Basically what that means is that now i have these little bits of conversations with myself ...strewn all over the place.... these things ... thats i could/would/want to/maybe talk or rather write about ...see ...but now. ... well now theyr strewn ...and im at a loss as to whether i should stop and gather round all my goodies ....potential pearls of wisdom even who knows ..... or fuck that shit ... and start afresh ...from scratch ....

i think its because i cant write right now. well I think i can ...obviously .... which is why i start in the firts place ... but half way down ..well ... like i mentioned ....
right now i just spent a good 7 1/2 mins on 2 paragraphs (small ones at that ... mini paras even) ... which i then deleted ... because they sucked ...ofcourse ... is that pretentious ? .... or is the fact that i asked?> that? ...

now. great ...not only am i confused ... but i dont quite know what to write. right?

so ...... move on ...move along ...
i was watching greys anatomy ... (a LOT of which has been going on lately) .... khair ... theres this one scene in which they leave the hospital and go to the dirty seedy bar across the hospital ..because its where everyone goes post call ... and there is nothing pretty or cosy or comfy or even nice about the bar r how it looks ... its just a regular bar with dim lights dirty floors sticky tables and shots ... lotss of shots ...

FUCKKKK ...what can i even say .... mcgibbinspeelpubcafecampusvinnys .... i miss it .... so muchhh... and i miss having people to go to such places with and get trashedwastedsmashed .... because that is in fact the ONLYYY purpose such a place has .... THAT the main reason people go there! and its great! no dressing no defenses no knowing every second person who walks through the door and wanting/needing desprately to look sober (while the person across from you tries the same invain) ... just because these. the people here. they are not the people. not the right people..... not the ones you can let your hair down with ..... not the ones youv danced (andimeanreallyreallydancedwithoutgivingadaymn) with ..... not the ones you can cry infront of .... . not the ones you left behind in what was once your city ... or the ones who left you and have moved now to thier own (new) cities // [ ....scattered ....strewn .... pockets ....everyone becomes]
so0o yea ....NOT the right people .... and so0o daymn many of them that too ...


(hmmm ... quite the lame post after a haitus of this long ... crap ...oh well ... :P)

(....i just need to dance daymnit!!!)

(i hate people)

(im act starting to understand the p.s. /p.p.s. thing ...cuz iv actually hit the edit button each time to add in these bracketyed bits)

(oh and by the by ....apparently brackets (parenthesis <-is this redundant here->) are 'going out of fashion'?! .. an editor i wrote an article for informed me of this ..... daymnit i like brackets .... hmph ... still hate people .... )

i dont know why im back here. but it seems like i need to be really really quiet about this. shhhhh . not a word to a soul if no one knows then maybe it will go back as silently as it came without anyone being the wiser. why dont i pray. why am i such a fucking retard? fuckkk fuckkk fuckinggg fuckk ...even the worrd dfuck doesnt seem strong enough.
im finding it hard to breathe. the air in this romm so warm so still (even though the fan is on) . so clausterphobic. breathe. steady. so i dont collapse.
steady. wrap my self into a little ball become little shrink in size ...down to a thin sliver ...so that what? so this goes away?
what the fuck do i say to her? fuck me for being me!
i still cant breathe. maybe i should inhale some smoke. that might help. maybe. fuck. fu7ck. this is pointless. this me here. sitting writing typing in a suffocating corner at the wrong end of the house. fuck.
fuck.

no sudden moves .... you'll be fine

http://www.creaturesinmyhead.com/creature.php?date=022106

Whore
Attention: Whore
masochisticwhore
I kinda like the word 'whore'.... sometimes. I feel - -. It
feels like the blood in my veinshasjammedupandall circulation STOPed. I should be dead. Not carry on typing when the rest of me... is .... just ... so.

Giant waves of Bentota...... the ones that came tumbling hard over my head ....they took more then my shades with them.... Afforded me some calm. for a time. But the water. it came in that day.... it rushed in with all its might and shook my insides so....and I .still. havent. recovered.
Now my innermost corners are streaked with lines of rust; Red. Corrosive. They would creak if they could.... but theres no one here to move them. No one dares come close. (I would even let them if they did. I swear..... Im that desperate. Heh.)

And right now I see before me drops of red adulterated by water ..... watered down to a light .... fading against the stark ceramic white sink.....takes the edge off ....my attention off the crystals fluid over the creases of my eyes to watch the rubyRed gush down to kiss my lips ....
I dont think a nosebleed is the solution or maybe sadness and nosebleeds go hand in hand

I still smoke. a lot. sometimes alone. sometimes because it validates my being zoned. my being stoned. I feel so baked when im not that I figure I might as well be.....

and a single conversation with you still ... d.r.a.i.n.s me. drains the lifeblood from me… leaves me so that I am incapable of interaction conversation fuck even eye contact with anyone else for the next couple of hours. And yet you.... you deem yourself last on my list.... And I ... I let you ...

They spoke this Saturday. She mentioned casually that they did. And it wasnt lost on me .... the significance. On Sunday they sat together at the lunch table.... after .... a year ... maybe ... Maybe it was because there was a guest in the house....Maybe it means things are slowly going back .... So things are better really. If you look at it. than they were before. Much. Better. So then why arent I?

15.05. 2006 3:16pm

...........and you?

i want to be skin and bones but i don't have the willpower. = My right nipple itches and I'm attempting to scratch it in a public computer lab. = I like to rub guacamole all over my hairy ass and run around my house singing god save the queen. Is this wrong? = It's been months and months since he decided against me. And I know he's miserable. I am too. I want to throw myself around him and kiss his neck. And I want him to be happy. And I want to be happy. = I have to try not to laugh out loud when people make statements relating to their religion. Like, "God helps those who help themselves" or "Jesus love me". HA HA HA, LOSERS! = I am completely leading Kris on. I'm so sorry. I'm a bitch. = i feel so guilty about being with her, having sex with her and looking at her beautiful face and her eyes showing me love and i dont know how i feel about her - if its love or just a wierd kind of duty. = My friends and I saw a small frog... so we poured some gasoline on it, set it on fire, and watched a little flaming ball go hoppity, hoppity, stoppity... = im stoned i promised my self i was gonna take a break I told other people this I dont give a fuck. = Outside my window, I can hear my neighbor's children playing. They sound young, innocent, happy...It annoys the hell out of me. I want to go over and shoot their brains out. = I am really bad at hugging people. I wish i could get closer. =
i love you. you say you love me too. so why do you keep talking to him like he means more to you than i do? it seems as though i dont know you anymore. it hurts so much when you ignore me. we're supposed to love each other damnit. = i will only go to jewish or chinese doctors. they are the superior races. = i find biting and mouths and lips very sexy. i even enjoy giving head. because of this i bite my boyfriend on occasion, but it drives him nuts. hes shy about everything, even kissing, and im going crazy with frustration. i love him but if this keeps up i dont know what ill do. = sometimes i say "fruit" instead of fuck. = i want to be single again, but im also afraid of being alone. in many ways....i need him...and i hate feeling dependent, because i am an inherently independent person. = retarded people don't know they are retarded You don't feel retarded do you? = When i was about 9, i called my Grandma a lesbian! which i still regret to this day :) . = I dont tell people Im gay. Not because I am afraid they'll will hate me, but because I dont want to hear them say 'i knew it' or 'I told you so'. = I am self-destructive.and one day soon there isn't going to be much left to destroy.maybe i'm trying to be a kind of self-army... you know break myself down to rebuild me a different way...i dunno.maybe i'm just an idiot. = I don't like to look at people in the eyes. = I like to shave my balls before I play tennis. I know its strange, but it helps them breathe, and tennis is hard. = Some days I wonder if I am actually evil deep down. = i need my boyfriend to be here for me right now, to kiss me so deeply and just hold me for so long that I am the one trying to pull away. but he won't, he's not paying attention and not getting what i'm saying and the sun is streaming in through my blinds and it's making the curtain sparkle and shimmer gold, and i notice it and i wish he would notice it and appreciate it too. = i get really pissed off when people i dislike listen to the same music that i do.i don't think they understand it the way i do. = when i first had sex, i thought not of my partner.... but batman. = i fall in love too easily. = I don't usually read the really long confessions. Just the short ones. = I often wish that new phrases would be coined.When you hear something you don't like:"That sounds ankles". = I should have kissed him. His lips where so close to mine. = I collect vacuum cleaners. I wish I wasn't so damn weird. But it's also so much fun. Oh well!


www.grouphug.us

bus.
(i'm) finished
im done here

Grated down

down

to a thin
tiny
sliver
(guess what) i stand
tall

still.

For if i'd fall (honey)

i'd fall
far

far too HEAVY

for every
single
solitary
oneofyou

to catch

so squeeze the life outofme
ill gather my baggage round
smiling

Stuff it up
in
cheap plastic bags

I

will keep it now
-DontYouWorry-

Warm,
safe,

Inside a sticky
place

A bag cuddling each kidney of mine

...sigh ..... if only..

When he falls desperately in love with you because of the light that falls on your face a certain way. Or clings to you desperately because he realizes he just cant do without. There is something so grabbingly attractive about being wanted that way and then again sometimes ...just a little.....empty .......isn't it
always left wanting a little more .... something a little different to mix it up...... something a little of that which we don't/cant have.
how can I be so of 2 minds. Wanting..... no needing 2 such conflicting things ......Just wrap me up in 3 simple words 'I – don't – (fucking) know!' (no the colourful insertion does not make it 4)
23 is not a good place to get all fucking rebellious.....not now! ..... and yet ....I do things now with the justification that 'iv been a good kid so far' ..... rebellious bones always sure but never did anything wrong...... so no im not juvenile enough to think ahh lets make up for time lost.....but well .....I don't know ....whats the harm .....everyones done far worse crap ...... if I need some time off before leaping into the inevitable 'rest of my life' .......if I want some space where I need not think of anyone but me .....then fuckkkk why is that such a fucked up place to be ?!....
We still have such long way to go ....


Roles reversed :
....'you! you women you're cold. Practical. Hard hearted'
'We are not like that ......men.... we're emotional......Our decisions don't come from a practical, thought out place'

So here I am stuck with the practical brain a hard heart and yet.....still a soft spot for the soft brained men in my life ......and ofcourse a conscience (the guilty kind) to top it all ......

yes yes .....emotionalsoftcuddlywrappedinmarshmallow Men all of you ....what I want to know is how you do the no-strings-attached thing. the attachment-but-it-doesn't-mean-anything thing. The refusal-to-think-about-anyone-other-then-yourself thing. The will-love-you-more-then-any-other-breathing-thing-on-earth-but-only-on-my-own-terms thing.

Trust me. through the cloud of tears and drama down to that practical plane isn't a smooth ride. At least he knows what one thing he wants at a single point in time. At least he isn't pulled in different directions by every bone in his body.



========================



Im still very angry. Just because im being nice about it and good to you. doesn't mean you can keep running me over with your selfishness. URGHHHH why must you make this so fucking difficult!?

ragdoll pretty

sigh. im tired ...
im sick of the expectations. the appropriate reactions. sick of being a fucking ragdoll in all your eyes. say this to make her smile. get her that to hear her laugh. push this button and she will cry. poke her this way and she wont know what to do with her self.
and Right now ...with me not knowing what it is that im not feeling or am ..every single little action of yours feels like a poke. poke pokity poke. (and not the good fucking kind)

every
time
you (any.
all
of you)
say something

.. i - want - to - scream:

NO! !!!!!!!

FUCK YOU!
I WANT TO SCRATCH UR EYES OUT!
I WANT TO PUT A SCREWDRIVER THROUGH UR BALLS!
GET OVER UR FUCKING SELF!
SORT YOURSELF!
AND LEAVE ME OUT OF IT!
I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO OWE YOU ANYTHING... ESPECIALLY NOT A POLITE SMILE WHICH I DONT EVEN MEAN!
FUCK UR INSTRUCTIONS!
FUCK UR EXPECTAIONS!
FUCK MY OBLIGATIONS!
UR SORRY STATE & THAT POOR-BECHARA-LIL-ME STANCE!
FUCK YOU ALL!

(.....and i dont care if all ur asking of me is to pass the fucking dahee)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARFGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


...just

let

me

crawl into my own little dark space and just be!
..... and if you cant do that and i get nasty on ur ass well consider that ur own fucking fault! so there!!

so the words have left. and the letters.... meaningless. so i have nothing to say. all this. pointless. yes; established fact. And yet. here I am once again. pouring my heart on to a blank word document... in an already failed attempt at making sense of any of this. like I said. an already failed attempt. before I even started.

what good are my words if I don't know what it is I want. (to say)

moments of clarity.
now those are really overrated. runofthemill HeadFucks disguised as epiphanies. and I should know by now. every time I come across one of these ... ..im in for it. Things happen. take their own course. Understanding. Rationalizion. Reasoning. It all falls way way short of real life. why havnt I come to terms with that as yet? ...

so I sit and talk about the things that are fucking me over and I find my lips twitching to curve up into a smile ...ironic.....and more then that 'how fucking inappropriate'! heh
or rather 'unnatural' as it has also been called. Yes quite. But Iv found that I don't quite know how to stay serious when it comes to such things... (and no I usually do not have a good sense of humor about myself)......... ((well its either this or me in a puddle of tears)) so yes. quite.

So. talking about clarity...epiphanies....the like ...'those' moments ....of 'that mood' .... its hard to define really ......but when the weather is perfect (as it is these days) and when you spend your time thinking. not in an effort to understand (for that ofcourse would be futile to say the least) but just for the sake of. ....cultivating? acceptance maybe.....?
I cant say....
Just that ironically somehow I feel inspired these days. And somehow at peace. I know you don't. you're probably as far from peace as I am from you.

I don't want to be caught in a never ending fucking saga.... not like them.
I don't want to be spinning round in unrelenting circles. vicious. I want to gather round as many life experiences as I can. I haven't much so far. So should I be apologetic then because you want to sort this NOW. Right away. because you cant live outside the prescribed lines. and as far as I'd like to run from labels and boundaries you seem to crave them. Why cant you just let it be let this slide. Why? (what a useless question for me to still be asking) I know your answer to my whys ..... its just the way you are. Period. You want to box us up so that 'we' don't slip away.
I accept that. fine. but there is only so much that I can bend. No. actually only so much I will. I understand you just fine. now I need you to try. to want. to understand. accept. think of me. (I know you will resent that) I'm sorry. And somehow im not.


My anguish and my calm swing from the roof like a fucking pendulum. Never know when ill be hit by one or the other .....God ....its been a month of perpetual pms. Fuck! (funny thing is that a month ago when the rug was pulled from under my feet....that's just what a friend of mine thought was wrong ......bad bad BAD case of pms..... It was only when he was informed otherwise 2 weeks later that he realized o0oh ...... men ....such fucktards!)

But yes..... must steer clear of the topic 'Men: Such Fucktards'.....have had enough talk time venting on the subject already. and quite a futile excercise that too.....even a quick rundown exploring the immaturehelplessfuckedupselfishbrainlessballlesschutiyas that are men would take quite a while.... so we wont go there.....

.....so instead ill listen to the lyrics, the melodies, ill buy more canvases, ill try to sort myself before I get back to you, ill hope you're trying to sort yourself too, ill work long hours and enjoy it, ill miss you and probably cry when I do, ill buy myself some paints to go with the canvases, ill start taking pictures again and hope my camera cooperates, ill bring you up in my conversations without meaning to, ill smoke, ill maybe even change my mind abt all this by tomm, ill take it as it comes,
so should you ....

the only thing that made me smile yesterday....

(took a day for me to upload it ...daymn blogger)

i miss you.


...

so fucking much.




(and i cant talk to you or think of you for too long because it hurts too fucking much.everything)

CLICK ON THE LINKS!

pakistanis have been protesting for the past 4 days.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/asiapcf/02/15/pakistan.cartoons/index.html


today all the schools and universities are closed in karachi. hartal.
the same has been said for tomm. though the seriousness (read: levels of death and destruction) of the khi hartals is still to be seen....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/4718958.stm



reason? story? .... this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jyllands-Posten_Muhammad_cartoons_controversy

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/4693292.stm

http://bibelen.blogspot.com/

http://michellemalkin.com/archives/004496.htm



(and how many of those more then 10,000 out storming the streets & setting their own cities on fire, do you think, have even seen these daymn cartoons (the 12 original and 3 fake planted ones) or even know what or rather who it is they are protesting against)


what a game.


fuck.

I have nothing to say .....

And no one has anything to say to me


I made the heart with my own two hands.
(It was because they said I didn't have one)
Sanded was its frame of fiberglass down to a surface smooth and soft.
Outside. Painted
a ruby red shine
bright (to ward off buri nazars and such)
Inside. I filled
slowly and painstakingly
Soft little wisps of beautiful feeling
cheerful bubbles of laughter
and moonshine (of course)
I decorated my heart with sparkles and stars
cut out from the red/blue skies.
And I smiled
to see
the moonshine slip out from the edges and brighten up the day.
It was precious my newfound heart,
so I placed it in a box
lined it with the velvet
the softest and safe.

One day I felt it ready, ready to be set free. So I lifted my heart, took it outside and let it roll and make its own way. But then you came along (you were always there) and it just happened to come under you feet. A million red pieces now with moonshine now spilling off into the street.....


wrote this a couple of weeks ago ...dont quite know how i feel abt it ....

"I would have told her then she was the only thing that I could love in this dying world but the simple word 'love' itself already died and went away."

theres nothing i can write right now that wont sound sad. pathetic. angry. ungrateful. confused. scared. not fucking worth putting into words.

its fucking unfair. everything.
this fucking life. yes i know. who said life is fair.
but fuck. i want to be anywhere but here right now. im so fucked up. while u go out at night. out a party get smashed and forget (ur worries/me). i. i sit. at home surrounded by mine. ingulfed in a cloud of smoke. it doesnt really help. a sea of questioning faces wonder why the sad eyes? why? whats wrong? what can i say. so chin up i fake a smile and make my way through the crowd.
ready to fall down any second now. thats how exhausted i am.
but i keep myself busy. dont allow myself to think of you. but u creep in somehow. i stand straight and feel myself leaning against ur chest. ur fingers to the music tapping the side of my hips. I lie in bed face down and feel on my shoulder ur breath ur kiss. i miss those lip. ur kiss. You still make me laugh. last night. after everything uv done.
after everything. is there anything? can there be?
getting crushed under the weight of wanting to say fuck it. its fine. i dont care. but i do because i should because it wont. be fine that is. i miss the way ur eyes would fixate on mine. with that look. the look that i took away from you when i broke you before. im sorry. will you never look at me the way u did before? im sorry i had to take that away. that which you held so close. that which you built everything on. but i didnt know. how else to go on. and now it is no more. will it never come back then. is this the price we pay? for having to live in this world. real life. fuck real life. fuck this inbetween. fuck not knwing which way to go. fuck emotions. fuck rationality. fuck putting on a brave face just because people dont know how to deal with u when ur depressed. fuck sounding like a fucking movie dialogueeeeeee.... URGHHHHHHHHHHH i want someone to hit me...fucking punch me in the face please. i need to feel something other then this. this. constricting.stifling ... this!!

sigh... im feeling ok right now ... good even ... its prob the patharness .... its prob the fact that im alone and patharedness...
maybe its because i was read that....hmm daymn deja vu... have i confessed this before? ...maybe i started to ...but i would never. ..
i feel a little reckless right now ... like when youv been beaten for so long that you just dont care ... selfish... its my turn ... i dont know if id act on though ... i wonder ...if he could daymnit ...
so0o seriously ..how do i know what this is ... if this is worth it? i know i keep telling myself its not ...but fuck ....
fuck ...even i want to relax now ... "not be tied down" ... what did he think i never felt it ........ fuck him! i cant even get out the shit that im feeling ... cant write it here ... esp not here .... urghhhhh ...why do ppl get involved ... why do feelings get involved ....why does rational reason get involved ..... why does attraction get involved .... dont they knowwww ... these things cant get along ..can nott be found togetherrr .... seriously one should just be allowed one for each of the categories ... that way none gets mesed up and everyones happy .... ahhh ...no guilt no attachment no obligation no head fucks no mindgames no frustrations no fucking hangups! ... yess that wonderful wonderful thought of the parallel universe!
but no
we get this one!
great! wonderful, brill-fucking-iant ...and the wrd that i cant remeber from that show that ended in '...cunt' ... hehe ... hmmm ... make belive days ... there was none of the real wrld ...or was there and iv just painted over the yuckyness .... o0h well ... i miss the churches too ... the music from the summer ... its not depressing ..its "that mood" music .... how does it get so complicated ,...

is this it?
all the effort ur willing to make?
this
"im sorry. i fucked up. and i will never change"

thanks
babe
for all the love
thanks
for all this fucking pain

leave me
drowning

all alone
on
my own

without so much as a second glance

leave me now
fine
dont even put up
a fight

its not worth it
is it

nor am i ?

for you at least

fucking chootiya!
so0o caught up
wrapped up
in your own sack of filth
that you never even saw
the tears
streaming down my face
i faked a smile for you
and you bought it
fucking selfish
fucking chooth

I don’t know what to do with myself. Im siting at work …been here since 11 in the morning and I don’t think iv focused at anything or really smiled at anyone since then …I have to stay here till 8 pm I don’t know how ill do it …I cant even go home for no reason other then that I’d rather be here then deal with the family abhi … I feel that I cant breathe so I start taking deep breaths and then realize how stupid I must be looking! But I feel so suffocated. I don’t want to be here but then there is no where else id rather be. No one I want to see or rather no one I want seeing me abhi. I’d be with my friends I know they are there for me. but its just too much pressure … like a regular pity party. I don’t like people looking at me every 2 secs to make sure im ok. Talking incessantly to make sure my mind is kept occupied. That’s my fucking job. I know you mean it in the best possible way but I know all the tricks and having you around pulling my tricks just makes me even more aware of my desperate… disintegrating situation.

At this point I feel that there isn’t anyone I can talk to without wanting to take a fucking steel bat to their heads. I know im being mean I know im being brutal but I don’t know how else to tell you!! Every word out of your mouth seems to be the fucking wrong one!
I might be a fucking bitch but I don’t want to hear about your misery or your joy …. Not today … tell me tomorrow and I will cry for you so you don’t have to and I will laugh with you to make you laugh harder but not fucking today!!

Ek tau I cant even get trashed in this fucking country!! Well its not that I cant …im just not comfortable … there are always people around …people who I couldn’t give two fucks abt …people who im not comfortable with …. why cant every one just go away. …
And having said that … i realize just how fucked up I am …. I decide that I cant take company one min and the next min im calling up someone or the other because being alone is suffocating the life out of me …. i cant take being with people and I cant take being alone. If I was only somewhere where there were lots of people who didn’t know me …not a single soul knew who I was and I could just get lost in that crowd … meet people who I didn’t owe anything …no questions no explanations …

And I don’t know how long I can keep this up… yesterday I feigned illness so0o the bitchiness was accounted for …but how long can I keep that up without any physical ailments …. With things being as dicey as they are I need to be careful .. I CAN NOT afford to take my grief out at home for fear of the repercussions … things are too fragile at home for me to fuck them up with an untimely outburst. I just cant… I would hate myself forever if things got fucked up right now because of me …. (you don’t know what exactly things are like so I don’t expect you to understand just don’t write back or comment abt how I don’t have to take so much pressure upon myself or anything like that) Because right now it doesn’t matter what im going through … what they are going through is much much bigger and I have to fucking well respect that … and I have to control myself and take whatever it is im feeling outside. I just hope that im able to that I can.

kya hua?

kisi ki nazar lag gaee kya?

dil bhar ga ya kya?

main nai aisa kya kiya?
main nai aisa kya nahin kiya?


ab main kya karoon .......

sub kuch tau …tum nai lay liya
meray liya kuch nahin chora

kya hua......
......hummay?!

sub toot ga ya
......aur ab
main bhi....

I know I should write (it would be good for me) .... but i just dont have the words. Not right now. (......So im plagerizing from another's blog. i hope you dont mind.)

i want to kill you for having broken your promise to love me madly and
completely forever, but i have no right. Only because I know that when you promised it you believed such a love existed. i was taken in by that lie too, and now we're both fools. guess that's as good as it gets then huh..?

it still hurts

-
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/qupid.jpg





... it broke....








fix it ....

can this be fixed ..?


....please.

have things changed because they were too good for too long?! .... is this some kind of price we all must pay for having had such a good life so far. this. over nothing! this. its nothing. how is it shattering everything?! "nazar lag ga-ee" .... somehow i belive that.... what else can it be. we were so good *MASHALLAH* ... neurotic ofcourse dysfunctional even but in the best possible way. i was always thankful for it! kabhi nashukri nahin ki ... i always realized that we were luckier then most.
i looked up to them. all of them ... they gave me hope ... life could be good ... families could be whole.... happy. I still belive that. ... maybe its because iv belived it for so long ... maybe im just naive.
there has to be a solution to this. some resolution. i just dont know how to get to it. i dont even know how to deal with this. im not the best person for this. im really not. but im trying...to handle this.... somehow.... praying .... iv stopped ... i should start again ...but it scares me.

just please
pray
for us

my Head
its

fucking

spinning
no not spinning /reeling ..... maybe!
im
stuck
(fuck)it seems! here in this place where i know Nothing! (and nothing knows me) ...
nothings certain nothing im sure of. if i thought i knew a thing at all before. its left me (birdy bye bye) .... you ask me a question put fwd a query ... i swear i wont know the answer. i'll know what you want to hear what i should say. but no longer the right from the wrong. yes? no? i dont fucking know. either way it could be .... seriously. eitehr way. does it even make a differnce.
i sit with blank expression mind blank not knowing Anything!
and then there are the days when i start yapping awayfrom the second i wake up... talk talk talk ... keep talking so i dont have the time to stop and think. abt the gaps... the nothing..
how should it be? anything?


hmmmm... parallel universes if there could be would be my drug of choice /// to you i'd leave the rest ...
and you would choose?
what?

this is me not writing

(random snippets of the past few weeks)


Since when have I become the kind of person who wakes up and spends the entire morning in a gallant effort not to cry (and that too at the retardest of things). Seriously!? Since when!?

*************************************************************************************

Im wearing heels today ...Everyone's noticed … what? cant I be all tick tick once in a while… its like the staple reactions every time I reach for a smoke in front of someone new .. "gasp! You smoke!? "shock" (fall of your chair why don't you) … that’s it the smiling at everyone that …has got to stop! Im dropping the cutesy smiley girl act! … burnt my tongue in coffee. It just came knew it would burn and still I greedily dipped in/.wtf. oh yea I now also drink coffee.

*************************************************************************************

The feeding me aunty to my right, says "ek Diana aur ek Jennifer Aniston my heart really goes out to them"…(?!!?) while big obnoxious across sings "ab tau mera dil jagay naa sota hai kya karoon hai kuch kuch hota hai" to a new girl who is not his wife.