Whore
Attention: Whore
masochisticwhore
I kinda like the word 'whore'.... sometimes. I feel - -. It
feels like the blood in my veinshasjammedupandall circulation STOPed. I should be dead. Not carry on typing when the rest of me... is .... just ... so.

Giant waves of Bentota...... the ones that came tumbling hard over my head ....they took more then my shades with them.... Afforded me some calm. for a time. But the water. it came in that day.... it rushed in with all its might and shook my insides so....and I .still. havent. recovered.
Now my innermost corners are streaked with lines of rust; Red. Corrosive. They would creak if they could.... but theres no one here to move them. No one dares come close. (I would even let them if they did. I swear..... Im that desperate. Heh.)

And right now I see before me drops of red adulterated by water ..... watered down to a light .... fading against the stark ceramic white sink.....takes the edge off ....my attention off the crystals fluid over the creases of my eyes to watch the rubyRed gush down to kiss my lips ....
I dont think a nosebleed is the solution or maybe sadness and nosebleeds go hand in hand

I still smoke. a lot. sometimes alone. sometimes because it validates my being zoned. my being stoned. I feel so baked when im not that I figure I might as well be.....

and a single conversation with you still ... d.r.a.i.n.s me. drains the lifeblood from me… leaves me so that I am incapable of interaction conversation fuck even eye contact with anyone else for the next couple of hours. And yet you.... you deem yourself last on my list.... And I ... I let you ...

They spoke this Saturday. She mentioned casually that they did. And it wasnt lost on me .... the significance. On Sunday they sat together at the lunch table.... after .... a year ... maybe ... Maybe it was because there was a guest in the house....Maybe it means things are slowly going back .... So things are better really. If you look at it. than they were before. Much. Better. So then why arent I?

15.05. 2006 3:16pm

...........and you?

i want to be skin and bones but i don't have the willpower. = My right nipple itches and I'm attempting to scratch it in a public computer lab. = I like to rub guacamole all over my hairy ass and run around my house singing god save the queen. Is this wrong? = It's been months and months since he decided against me. And I know he's miserable. I am too. I want to throw myself around him and kiss his neck. And I want him to be happy. And I want to be happy. = I have to try not to laugh out loud when people make statements relating to their religion. Like, "God helps those who help themselves" or "Jesus love me". HA HA HA, LOSERS! = I am completely leading Kris on. I'm so sorry. I'm a bitch. = i feel so guilty about being with her, having sex with her and looking at her beautiful face and her eyes showing me love and i dont know how i feel about her - if its love or just a wierd kind of duty. = My friends and I saw a small frog... so we poured some gasoline on it, set it on fire, and watched a little flaming ball go hoppity, hoppity, stoppity... = im stoned i promised my self i was gonna take a break I told other people this I dont give a fuck. = Outside my window, I can hear my neighbor's children playing. They sound young, innocent, happy...It annoys the hell out of me. I want to go over and shoot their brains out. = I am really bad at hugging people. I wish i could get closer. =
i love you. you say you love me too. so why do you keep talking to him like he means more to you than i do? it seems as though i dont know you anymore. it hurts so much when you ignore me. we're supposed to love each other damnit. = i will only go to jewish or chinese doctors. they are the superior races. = i find biting and mouths and lips very sexy. i even enjoy giving head. because of this i bite my boyfriend on occasion, but it drives him nuts. hes shy about everything, even kissing, and im going crazy with frustration. i love him but if this keeps up i dont know what ill do. = sometimes i say "fruit" instead of fuck. = i want to be single again, but im also afraid of being alone. in many ways....i need him...and i hate feeling dependent, because i am an inherently independent person. = retarded people don't know they are retarded You don't feel retarded do you? = When i was about 9, i called my Grandma a lesbian! which i still regret to this day :) . = I dont tell people Im gay. Not because I am afraid they'll will hate me, but because I dont want to hear them say 'i knew it' or 'I told you so'. = I am self-destructive.and one day soon there isn't going to be much left to destroy.maybe i'm trying to be a kind of self-army... you know break myself down to rebuild me a different way...i dunno.maybe i'm just an idiot. = I don't like to look at people in the eyes. = I like to shave my balls before I play tennis. I know its strange, but it helps them breathe, and tennis is hard. = Some days I wonder if I am actually evil deep down. = i need my boyfriend to be here for me right now, to kiss me so deeply and just hold me for so long that I am the one trying to pull away. but he won't, he's not paying attention and not getting what i'm saying and the sun is streaming in through my blinds and it's making the curtain sparkle and shimmer gold, and i notice it and i wish he would notice it and appreciate it too. = i get really pissed off when people i dislike listen to the same music that i do.i don't think they understand it the way i do. = when i first had sex, i thought not of my partner.... but batman. = i fall in love too easily. = I don't usually read the really long confessions. Just the short ones. = I often wish that new phrases would be coined.When you hear something you don't like:"That sounds ankles". = I should have kissed him. His lips where so close to mine. = I collect vacuum cleaners. I wish I wasn't so damn weird. But it's also so much fun. Oh well!


www.grouphug.us

bus.
(i'm) finished
im done here

Grated down

down

to a thin
tiny
sliver
(guess what) i stand
tall

still.

For if i'd fall (honey)

i'd fall
far

far too HEAVY

for every
single
solitary
oneofyou

to catch

so squeeze the life outofme
ill gather my baggage round
smiling

Stuff it up
in
cheap plastic bags

I

will keep it now
-DontYouWorry-

Warm,
safe,

Inside a sticky
place

A bag cuddling each kidney of mine

...sigh ..... if only..

When he falls desperately in love with you because of the light that falls on your face a certain way. Or clings to you desperately because he realizes he just cant do without. There is something so grabbingly attractive about being wanted that way and then again sometimes ...just a little.....empty .......isn't it
always left wanting a little more .... something a little different to mix it up...... something a little of that which we don't/cant have.
how can I be so of 2 minds. Wanting..... no needing 2 such conflicting things ......Just wrap me up in 3 simple words 'I – don't – (fucking) know!' (no the colourful insertion does not make it 4)
23 is not a good place to get all fucking rebellious.....not now! ..... and yet ....I do things now with the justification that 'iv been a good kid so far' ..... rebellious bones always sure but never did anything wrong...... so no im not juvenile enough to think ahh lets make up for time lost.....but well .....I don't know ....whats the harm .....everyones done far worse crap ...... if I need some time off before leaping into the inevitable 'rest of my life' .......if I want some space where I need not think of anyone but me .....then fuckkkk why is that such a fucked up place to be ?!....
We still have such long way to go ....


Roles reversed :
....'you! you women you're cold. Practical. Hard hearted'
'We are not like that ......men.... we're emotional......Our decisions don't come from a practical, thought out place'

So here I am stuck with the practical brain a hard heart and yet.....still a soft spot for the soft brained men in my life ......and ofcourse a conscience (the guilty kind) to top it all ......

yes yes .....emotionalsoftcuddlywrappedinmarshmallow Men all of you ....what I want to know is how you do the no-strings-attached thing. the attachment-but-it-doesn't-mean-anything thing. The refusal-to-think-about-anyone-other-then-yourself thing. The will-love-you-more-then-any-other-breathing-thing-on-earth-but-only-on-my-own-terms thing.

Trust me. through the cloud of tears and drama down to that practical plane isn't a smooth ride. At least he knows what one thing he wants at a single point in time. At least he isn't pulled in different directions by every bone in his body.



========================



Im still very angry. Just because im being nice about it and good to you. doesn't mean you can keep running me over with your selfishness. URGHHHH why must you make this so fucking difficult!?

ragdoll pretty

sigh. im tired ...
im sick of the expectations. the appropriate reactions. sick of being a fucking ragdoll in all your eyes. say this to make her smile. get her that to hear her laugh. push this button and she will cry. poke her this way and she wont know what to do with her self.
and Right now ...with me not knowing what it is that im not feeling or am ..every single little action of yours feels like a poke. poke pokity poke. (and not the good fucking kind)

every
time
you (any.
all
of you)
say something

.. i - want - to - scream:

NO! !!!!!!!

FUCK YOU!
I WANT TO SCRATCH UR EYES OUT!
I WANT TO PUT A SCREWDRIVER THROUGH UR BALLS!
GET OVER UR FUCKING SELF!
SORT YOURSELF!
AND LEAVE ME OUT OF IT!
I DONT WANT TO HAVE TO OWE YOU ANYTHING... ESPECIALLY NOT A POLITE SMILE WHICH I DONT EVEN MEAN!
FUCK UR INSTRUCTIONS!
FUCK UR EXPECTAIONS!
FUCK MY OBLIGATIONS!
UR SORRY STATE & THAT POOR-BECHARA-LIL-ME STANCE!
FUCK YOU ALL!

(.....and i dont care if all ur asking of me is to pass the fucking dahee)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARFGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


...just

let

me

crawl into my own little dark space and just be!
..... and if you cant do that and i get nasty on ur ass well consider that ur own fucking fault! so there!!

so the words have left. and the letters.... meaningless. so i have nothing to say. all this. pointless. yes; established fact. And yet. here I am once again. pouring my heart on to a blank word document... in an already failed attempt at making sense of any of this. like I said. an already failed attempt. before I even started.

what good are my words if I don't know what it is I want. (to say)

moments of clarity.
now those are really overrated. runofthemill HeadFucks disguised as epiphanies. and I should know by now. every time I come across one of these ... ..im in for it. Things happen. take their own course. Understanding. Rationalizion. Reasoning. It all falls way way short of real life. why havnt I come to terms with that as yet? ...

so I sit and talk about the things that are fucking me over and I find my lips twitching to curve up into a smile ...ironic.....and more then that 'how fucking inappropriate'! heh
or rather 'unnatural' as it has also been called. Yes quite. But Iv found that I don't quite know how to stay serious when it comes to such things... (and no I usually do not have a good sense of humor about myself)......... ((well its either this or me in a puddle of tears)) so yes. quite.

So. talking about clarity...epiphanies....the like ...'those' moments ....of 'that mood' .... its hard to define really ......but when the weather is perfect (as it is these days) and when you spend your time thinking. not in an effort to understand (for that ofcourse would be futile to say the least) but just for the sake of. ....cultivating? acceptance maybe.....?
I cant say....
Just that ironically somehow I feel inspired these days. And somehow at peace. I know you don't. you're probably as far from peace as I am from you.

I don't want to be caught in a never ending fucking saga.... not like them.
I don't want to be spinning round in unrelenting circles. vicious. I want to gather round as many life experiences as I can. I haven't much so far. So should I be apologetic then because you want to sort this NOW. Right away. because you cant live outside the prescribed lines. and as far as I'd like to run from labels and boundaries you seem to crave them. Why cant you just let it be let this slide. Why? (what a useless question for me to still be asking) I know your answer to my whys ..... its just the way you are. Period. You want to box us up so that 'we' don't slip away.
I accept that. fine. but there is only so much that I can bend. No. actually only so much I will. I understand you just fine. now I need you to try. to want. to understand. accept. think of me. (I know you will resent that) I'm sorry. And somehow im not.


My anguish and my calm swing from the roof like a fucking pendulum. Never know when ill be hit by one or the other .....God ....its been a month of perpetual pms. Fuck! (funny thing is that a month ago when the rug was pulled from under my feet....that's just what a friend of mine thought was wrong ......bad bad BAD case of pms..... It was only when he was informed otherwise 2 weeks later that he realized o0oh ...... men ....such fucktards!)

But yes..... must steer clear of the topic 'Men: Such Fucktards'.....have had enough talk time venting on the subject already. and quite a futile excercise that too.....even a quick rundown exploring the immaturehelplessfuckedupselfishbrainlessballlesschutiyas that are men would take quite a while.... so we wont go there.....

.....so instead ill listen to the lyrics, the melodies, ill buy more canvases, ill try to sort myself before I get back to you, ill hope you're trying to sort yourself too, ill work long hours and enjoy it, ill miss you and probably cry when I do, ill buy myself some paints to go with the canvases, ill start taking pictures again and hope my camera cooperates, ill bring you up in my conversations without meaning to, ill smoke, ill maybe even change my mind abt all this by tomm, ill take it as it comes,
so should you ....

the only thing that made me smile yesterday....

(took a day for me to upload it ...daymn blogger)

i miss you.


...

so fucking much.




(and i cant talk to you or think of you for too long because it hurts too fucking much.everything)

CLICK ON THE LINKS!

pakistanis have been protesting for the past 4 days.

http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/asiapcf/02/15/pakistan.cartoons/index.html


today all the schools and universities are closed in karachi. hartal.
the same has been said for tomm. though the seriousness (read: levels of death and destruction) of the khi hartals is still to be seen....

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/4718958.stm



reason? story? .... this:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jyllands-Posten_Muhammad_cartoons_controversy

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/4693292.stm

http://bibelen.blogspot.com/

http://michellemalkin.com/archives/004496.htm



(and how many of those more then 10,000 out storming the streets & setting their own cities on fire, do you think, have even seen these daymn cartoons (the 12 original and 3 fake planted ones) or even know what or rather who it is they are protesting against)


what a game.


fuck.

I have nothing to say .....

And no one has anything to say to me


I made the heart with my own two hands.
(It was because they said I didn't have one)
Sanded was its frame of fiberglass down to a surface smooth and soft.
Outside. Painted
a ruby red shine
bright (to ward off buri nazars and such)
Inside. I filled
slowly and painstakingly
Soft little wisps of beautiful feeling
cheerful bubbles of laughter
and moonshine (of course)
I decorated my heart with sparkles and stars
cut out from the red/blue skies.
And I smiled
to see
the moonshine slip out from the edges and brighten up the day.
It was precious my newfound heart,
so I placed it in a box
lined it with the velvet
the softest and safe.

One day I felt it ready, ready to be set free. So I lifted my heart, took it outside and let it roll and make its own way. But then you came along (you were always there) and it just happened to come under you feet. A million red pieces now with moonshine now spilling off into the street.....


wrote this a couple of weeks ago ...dont quite know how i feel abt it ....

"I would have told her then she was the only thing that I could love in this dying world but the simple word 'love' itself already died and went away."

theres nothing i can write right now that wont sound sad. pathetic. angry. ungrateful. confused. scared. not fucking worth putting into words.

its fucking unfair. everything.
this fucking life. yes i know. who said life is fair.
but fuck. i want to be anywhere but here right now. im so fucked up. while u go out at night. out a party get smashed and forget (ur worries/me). i. i sit. at home surrounded by mine. ingulfed in a cloud of smoke. it doesnt really help. a sea of questioning faces wonder why the sad eyes? why? whats wrong? what can i say. so chin up i fake a smile and make my way through the crowd.
ready to fall down any second now. thats how exhausted i am.
but i keep myself busy. dont allow myself to think of you. but u creep in somehow. i stand straight and feel myself leaning against ur chest. ur fingers to the music tapping the side of my hips. I lie in bed face down and feel on my shoulder ur breath ur kiss. i miss those lip. ur kiss. You still make me laugh. last night. after everything uv done.
after everything. is there anything? can there be?
getting crushed under the weight of wanting to say fuck it. its fine. i dont care. but i do because i should because it wont. be fine that is. i miss the way ur eyes would fixate on mine. with that look. the look that i took away from you when i broke you before. im sorry. will you never look at me the way u did before? im sorry i had to take that away. that which you held so close. that which you built everything on. but i didnt know. how else to go on. and now it is no more. will it never come back then. is this the price we pay? for having to live in this world. real life. fuck real life. fuck this inbetween. fuck not knwing which way to go. fuck emotions. fuck rationality. fuck putting on a brave face just because people dont know how to deal with u when ur depressed. fuck sounding like a fucking movie dialogueeeeeee.... URGHHHHHHHHHHH i want someone to hit me...fucking punch me in the face please. i need to feel something other then this. this. constricting.stifling ... this!!

sigh... im feeling ok right now ... good even ... its prob the patharness .... its prob the fact that im alone and patharedness...
maybe its because i was read that....hmm daymn deja vu... have i confessed this before? ...maybe i started to ...but i would never. ..
i feel a little reckless right now ... like when youv been beaten for so long that you just dont care ... selfish... its my turn ... i dont know if id act on though ... i wonder ...if he could daymnit ...
so0o seriously ..how do i know what this is ... if this is worth it? i know i keep telling myself its not ...but fuck ....
fuck ...even i want to relax now ... "not be tied down" ... what did he think i never felt it ........ fuck him! i cant even get out the shit that im feeling ... cant write it here ... esp not here .... urghhhhh ...why do ppl get involved ... why do feelings get involved ....why does rational reason get involved ..... why does attraction get involved .... dont they knowwww ... these things cant get along ..can nott be found togetherrr .... seriously one should just be allowed one for each of the categories ... that way none gets mesed up and everyones happy .... ahhh ...no guilt no attachment no obligation no head fucks no mindgames no frustrations no fucking hangups! ... yess that wonderful wonderful thought of the parallel universe!
but no
we get this one!
great! wonderful, brill-fucking-iant ...and the wrd that i cant remeber from that show that ended in '...cunt' ... hehe ... hmmm ... make belive days ... there was none of the real wrld ...or was there and iv just painted over the yuckyness .... o0h well ... i miss the churches too ... the music from the summer ... its not depressing ..its "that mood" music .... how does it get so complicated ,...

is this it?
all the effort ur willing to make?
this
"im sorry. i fucked up. and i will never change"

thanks
babe
for all the love
thanks
for all this fucking pain

leave me
drowning

all alone
on
my own

without so much as a second glance

leave me now
fine
dont even put up
a fight

its not worth it
is it

nor am i ?

for you at least

fucking chootiya!
so0o caught up
wrapped up
in your own sack of filth
that you never even saw
the tears
streaming down my face
i faked a smile for you
and you bought it
fucking selfish
fucking chooth

I don’t know what to do with myself. Im siting at work …been here since 11 in the morning and I don’t think iv focused at anything or really smiled at anyone since then …I have to stay here till 8 pm I don’t know how ill do it …I cant even go home for no reason other then that I’d rather be here then deal with the family abhi … I feel that I cant breathe so I start taking deep breaths and then realize how stupid I must be looking! But I feel so suffocated. I don’t want to be here but then there is no where else id rather be. No one I want to see or rather no one I want seeing me abhi. I’d be with my friends I know they are there for me. but its just too much pressure … like a regular pity party. I don’t like people looking at me every 2 secs to make sure im ok. Talking incessantly to make sure my mind is kept occupied. That’s my fucking job. I know you mean it in the best possible way but I know all the tricks and having you around pulling my tricks just makes me even more aware of my desperate… disintegrating situation.

At this point I feel that there isn’t anyone I can talk to without wanting to take a fucking steel bat to their heads. I know im being mean I know im being brutal but I don’t know how else to tell you!! Every word out of your mouth seems to be the fucking wrong one!
I might be a fucking bitch but I don’t want to hear about your misery or your joy …. Not today … tell me tomorrow and I will cry for you so you don’t have to and I will laugh with you to make you laugh harder but not fucking today!!

Ek tau I cant even get trashed in this fucking country!! Well its not that I cant …im just not comfortable … there are always people around …people who I couldn’t give two fucks abt …people who im not comfortable with …. why cant every one just go away. …
And having said that … i realize just how fucked up I am …. I decide that I cant take company one min and the next min im calling up someone or the other because being alone is suffocating the life out of me …. i cant take being with people and I cant take being alone. If I was only somewhere where there were lots of people who didn’t know me …not a single soul knew who I was and I could just get lost in that crowd … meet people who I didn’t owe anything …no questions no explanations …

And I don’t know how long I can keep this up… yesterday I feigned illness so0o the bitchiness was accounted for …but how long can I keep that up without any physical ailments …. With things being as dicey as they are I need to be careful .. I CAN NOT afford to take my grief out at home for fear of the repercussions … things are too fragile at home for me to fuck them up with an untimely outburst. I just cant… I would hate myself forever if things got fucked up right now because of me …. (you don’t know what exactly things are like so I don’t expect you to understand just don’t write back or comment abt how I don’t have to take so much pressure upon myself or anything like that) Because right now it doesn’t matter what im going through … what they are going through is much much bigger and I have to fucking well respect that … and I have to control myself and take whatever it is im feeling outside. I just hope that im able to that I can.

kya hua?

kisi ki nazar lag gaee kya?

dil bhar ga ya kya?

main nai aisa kya kiya?
main nai aisa kya nahin kiya?


ab main kya karoon .......

sub kuch tau …tum nai lay liya
meray liya kuch nahin chora

kya hua......
......hummay?!

sub toot ga ya
......aur ab
main bhi....

I know I should write (it would be good for me) .... but i just dont have the words. Not right now. (......So im plagerizing from another's blog. i hope you dont mind.)

i want to kill you for having broken your promise to love me madly and
completely forever, but i have no right. Only because I know that when you promised it you believed such a love existed. i was taken in by that lie too, and now we're both fools. guess that's as good as it gets then huh..?

it still hurts

-
http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/994/593/1600/qupid.jpg





... it broke....








fix it ....

can this be fixed ..?


....please.

have things changed because they were too good for too long?! .... is this some kind of price we all must pay for having had such a good life so far. this. over nothing! this. its nothing. how is it shattering everything?! "nazar lag ga-ee" .... somehow i belive that.... what else can it be. we were so good *MASHALLAH* ... neurotic ofcourse dysfunctional even but in the best possible way. i was always thankful for it! kabhi nashukri nahin ki ... i always realized that we were luckier then most.
i looked up to them. all of them ... they gave me hope ... life could be good ... families could be whole.... happy. I still belive that. ... maybe its because iv belived it for so long ... maybe im just naive.
there has to be a solution to this. some resolution. i just dont know how to get to it. i dont even know how to deal with this. im not the best person for this. im really not. but im trying...to handle this.... somehow.... praying .... iv stopped ... i should start again ...but it scares me.

just please
pray
for us

my Head
its

fucking

spinning
no not spinning /reeling ..... maybe!
im
stuck
(fuck)it seems! here in this place where i know Nothing! (and nothing knows me) ...
nothings certain nothing im sure of. if i thought i knew a thing at all before. its left me (birdy bye bye) .... you ask me a question put fwd a query ... i swear i wont know the answer. i'll know what you want to hear what i should say. but no longer the right from the wrong. yes? no? i dont fucking know. either way it could be .... seriously. eitehr way. does it even make a differnce.
i sit with blank expression mind blank not knowing Anything!
and then there are the days when i start yapping awayfrom the second i wake up... talk talk talk ... keep talking so i dont have the time to stop and think. abt the gaps... the nothing..
how should it be? anything?


hmmmm... parallel universes if there could be would be my drug of choice /// to you i'd leave the rest ...
and you would choose?
what?

this is me not writing

(random snippets of the past few weeks)


Since when have I become the kind of person who wakes up and spends the entire morning in a gallant effort not to cry (and that too at the retardest of things). Seriously!? Since when!?

*************************************************************************************

Im wearing heels today ...Everyone's noticed … what? cant I be all tick tick once in a while… its like the staple reactions every time I reach for a smoke in front of someone new .. "gasp! You smoke!? "shock" (fall of your chair why don't you) … that’s it the smiling at everyone that …has got to stop! Im dropping the cutesy smiley girl act! … burnt my tongue in coffee. It just came knew it would burn and still I greedily dipped in/.wtf. oh yea I now also drink coffee.

*************************************************************************************

The feeding me aunty to my right, says "ek Diana aur ek Jennifer Aniston my heart really goes out to them"…(?!!?) while big obnoxious across sings "ab tau mera dil jagay naa sota hai kya karoon hai kuch kuch hota hai" to a new girl who is not his wife.

Note to self: Stop saying aloud whats on mind! Stop it! Stop speaking! Now!
No one wants to hear it!

If you place a frog in boiling water, it will jump right back out. But if you put the frog in cold water and heat it gradually, it will sit there and slowly roast alive. Science Teacher

I read this line and in light of recent events I felt like it was talking to me. yes im that retarded. yes im moophat ...(hahhaha mooooo phat! Get it ....hahah) but no. im muuphat.... must to stop big mouth must to learn to be polite not rude. Diplomatic not obnoxious.

"perhaps it may also be the way u say things coz u do at times mean well but when u say it just doesnt come out the way u mean it"

hmmmm must also learn to accept critisim gracefully and work on it. Its about time.
Grrr....
.... grrrroaaannn*

guys can be such fucking chutiyas. and theyre even bigger chutiyas when it comes to girls. more often than not its over the Wrong Girl. And even more often than that its over the Unavailable Girl or the Its-Never-Going-to-Happen Girl. it doesnt matter if the guys normal, nice, sweet, intelligent or even a total harami. once the chutiyapa catches up ... Its over!
theres a guy who flies out of the country, armed with the eyeliner she wanted, the t-shirts she really liked and the jewelry he thinks would look really good on her
the guy whos been in love with his best friend for over 2 years and has done everything possible to distance himself
the guy who flew across Pakistan to attend the wedding of the girl he loves, because he felt that he should be there for the most significant occasion of her life
the guy who sat and consoled her boyfriend the day after the girl they both loved left for another country
the guy who would do anything for her even though they broke up 4 years ago and shes been seeing someone else for the past 2 ½ yrs
the guy who keeps hoping that their msn conversations would amount to something more but they never do
urghhhh and it just goes on... anyhooo I was at some point going somewhere with this rant …but it all seems quite pointless...i hate men!

*****
***
*

and then when i ask what the point of pursuing this is ...
he says, "im not really pursuing it but i know i wont feel like this forever because i cant or its pointless or whatever... so i might as well show her how i feel while i still feel it."
struck silent by the sweetness and simplicity of his statemnt i try to think of something else we can talk about

Danae

-- Klimt, Gustav

words seem to be missing these days. from my world and from thiers and i see a hazy image of myself. concious. inverted. so concious of my warped identity reflected in thier eyes. theres a girl here who's so sincere, but keeps getting it wrong anyway. I need to bring out my camera more often. click/snap at something real. I look around me and feel more useless then ever and yet unmotivated still. It'll come I keep reassuring myself. Im not ready. too young. (yea. right.) theres time to grow. (isn't there?!) how has everyone else around managed to get so far in such little time with so much less and here I am still groping in the dark taking it slow. self pity. yes you guessed it that what I use this blog for. that and to whine and whine away. and occasionally i write. when I feel like feeling the feeling of my fingers skimming keys. so now you know. now fuck off. please. thank you. have a nice day. I find myself giving explanations. justifications. reasons to talk. talktalk. keep talking. and somehow the realization/awareness that no one's interested. barely even listening. makes no difference. i talk. talk talk.
to balance the talking i sometimes stop. i say nothing. i smile. nod. listen. say nothing. even if i want to. whats the point. no one cares. just shut the fuck up. please. we all want someone to shut the fuck up. I need someone to hold me. just be here for me. i just read something abt the difference being between being needed and being wanted. i used to think i need to be needed. i realize that what i really want is to be wanted. (how dr. phil awww) liked. apreciated. not forgotten. not convenient. not nessecarily fulfilling a purpose. not coffee. not for me from now on. its green tea. sans sugar. sans... you... all this sucks. i read comics to pass the time. and i dont feel like writing anymore.

empty it is
without you
stretched out (the) road/s
ahead

all the more daunting now that im at the wheel
and on my own.

Winters are always a novelty in this city (even after 23.2 years). A novelty Like the afternoon sun between 4 & 5 pm, casting a light which makes all faces look beautiful. perfect. i sit here hugging my knees. listening. my body sways ever so slightly to the music. colours change as shadows rise and fall and i strain to catch if only a fragment of whispered secrets. the words, i barely even understand them. and despite the peculiarity of their patterns, the sounds are as known to me as my own beginnings. they are home. inscribed somehow within me. and were you to stretch my skin and turn it inside out you'd see just how deep they run. the markings. engraved from the inside.

suffering from a distressing case of LDR

first off .. kudos to all those poor retards who have had the misfortune to experience and more so to those who have actually survived the wonderous wonders of "long distance relationships"
... suddenly the terms:
unbearable
aching heart
gaping hole
excruciating
to long for
heartbreaking
pining
dull pain
pangs
agonizing
heartwrenching
and ofcourse
chinese torture
have taken on a new more real meaning .... and the best part ... im pretty much doing this to myself not because im a fucking sado-masochist (which im sure i am on some level or the other) but well you gotta do what you gotta do ..even if it fucking well kills you (which this is.. slow slow slowly) urghhhhhhhh surprise surprise even screaming your heart out into a pillow does not make this any easier!! so0o yea secondly to all of you who were stupid enough to put yourself in the position how the fuck did you do it?!!? and why is it that all of a sudden when some one says "yea i can imagine long dist must be quite difficult" you smile sadly and nod (like you do when talking about some tragic event or the other) all the while wanting to tear off their silly little head and say "No you fucking retard you cant imagine! it isnt just difficult its fucking torture and consider yourself lucky you havnt a clue about it!!!!"
*phew.... good to get that off my chest! but then again maybe thats just me!! yeaaa ive been a little distraught lately ... hah and whats brilliant is that this really isnt anything ... which just makes me think what the fuck will happen to me if im faced with actual shit ...

Sheriff's deputy Andy McDowell was forced to live a parent's worst
nightmare twice in a matter of minutes After he was taken to
the site where one of his two sons was killed in a car crash early
Wednesday, McDowell was driven past another fatal accident. Only later did
he learn that the fiery wreck took the life of his only other child.

fuck. :(

Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright
Ev'rything's gonna be alright

They covered the song yesterday and I pushed the tears back inside…pressed down my lips and sang along…repeating the words to myself over and over and over…

this is going to be a long one...

Bright lights. flashes. slashes through darkness.. why wont she fucking stop that singing. He keeps saying hello. Hello. hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hello hellow hallow...... she says, "Lenny can you hear me?" (reminded of Tommy.. tommy can you see me? tommy can you feel me?) ... aching for a joint. even though itll be pointless. short-lived. but it'd be relief nonetheless. i wish it would actually make the shit disappear. ahhh wouldnt that be a treat. a solution. finally ....but instead i guess ill have to make do with the foggy illusion of refuge for a few hours...
... and I actually thought things would get better as time went by. thought life might get easier. yea. fuck. how is it that i can see through myself (to a painfully mindnumbing extent) in so many ways but as far as these things are concerned im almost always off the mark. God i can see myself in sittinghappy in a cloud of smoke. comfortable. smug. fug. fuck. (them).
(how i wish hiding behind my big black safety shades constituted proper work attire) ... and now certain things occurs to me (all of a sudden) (like a ton of bricks) ((what a fucking cliche)) ...... how much of a bane to your existence has it been that im not a carbon copy of every other pretty little typical pakistani girl you smile at and make inane conversations with. that i actually have opinions and am stupid enough to voice them. that i need to question things. that i question you.
"Kyun tau laraeee hoti hai" - my ustani used to say that to me everytime i asked her the reason behind some sweeping statement or the other that she was so prone to making. I was 10 maybe 11 then.. more then a decade from that point and i still havnt fucking well learnt. But i cant accept things as is. im sorry cant. just because. the way its always been. not good enough. (and i swear I don't do it to be difficult)… there needs to be a reason. something. some sort of basis for the things we do the words we repeat the rituals we practice the way we live. otherwise whats the point?! and again i don't do not fuckingwell do it because i love to argue but because i want to know. Because… well fuck how can you not!? But.. well i guess everyone doesnt take things like that .. you expct that I follow blindly like sheep. to be nice. not difficult. because you do ... and if God forbid i dont ... "I know you dont mean it but u can be rude" "I know it wasnt your intent but you were insensitive" " i guess she took it the wrong way" "you know you can get aggressive"
.... well i guess were back to the "kyun tau larai hoti hai" .....and this from those who've known me the longest.
I don't know… (to0o fucking many things I don't know) … maybe there just comes a point when youre not comfortable anymore ..when more often then not you find yourself biting your lip to contain yourself just to keep the peace and just because you realize that anything else would be an exercise in pointlessness … when youre no long on the same page and wonder whether you ever were… well when that happens then what?! well then my friends you wonder if the same will happen with every single person you meet and befriend because of late you've started seeing people for what they are (or for what you make them out to be) and you think to yourself how awful it is that you've already lost so many along the way and for fear of ending up all friendless and lonely you push aside all thoughts of moving on and desperately hang on to whatever it is you can. fucking pathetic.

then again everything seems fucking pathetic to me right now. Its everything. again. it creeps up on you know … (well on me anyway)…one day im happy (blissfully ignoring all the crap that piling up) and the next day the heap has tipped over and im flat on the floor under a pile of shit…

shit/


===================================================================

Gnosiophobia- Fear of knowledge.
Gymnophobia- Fear of nudity.
Gynephobia or Gynophobia- Fear of women.
Hagiophobia- Fear of saints or holy things.
Hamartophobia- Fear of sinning.
Hedonophobia- Fear of feeling pleasure.
Heliophobia- Fear of the sun.

I wish I could write more about my days, my thoughts, my friends, my world. But somehow I tend to volunteer much too much information and that’s not always a good thing. Even though some may refuse to believe it I don’t like to secretify. Then again somehow it just happens with me. Well anyhoo … feeling quite the creatively stumped. There’s an image of a person with a tree in the place of hair… stump for a head if you cut that thing off.
Tight schedules and all. The summer spoilt me.
I have half a song of winners by k’s choice. Just the first verse over and over. I want the rest but cant have it now. Want to hear the whole song but its just not an option what to do. “can I touch you there” plays over and over. Haha how fucking inappropriate. Brilliant. Sitting. O0ohh ouch daymnn .. just read the latest soferwrld strip .. urghhh not niceness at all…


===================================================================

Gamophobia- Fear of marriage.
Geliophobia- Fear of laughter.
Geniophobia- Fear of chins
Genuphobia- Fear of knees.
Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old.
Glossophobia- Fear of speaking in public or of trying to speak.

It became winter today

she talked of the city getting to her and it bothered her because this was home. and i walked the busy galis of chundrigar basking in the winter warm sun.

28/11/05 -12:30pm

nice ;p

Guy:Were you raised on a chicken farm?
Girl: No, why?
Guy:Cause you sure know how to raise some cock!


hahahhahahaha i *heart* pickup lines!


In a hotel elevator, man accidentally elbows lady's breast.
Man: if your heart is as soft as your breast, you will forgive me
Woman: If your dick is as hard as your elbow, my room is 207!

;)

(Yes Im in a bitchfukwhinywhinewhine mood! So..!?)

its all so ordinary .. so 'everyone else's life'. :S
and the fact that mine willbe/hastobe the same bothers me. playing it safe. simple. if i want to get what i want at the end of it all. step beyond the boundaries only if you want to see it all shot to hell or conversely if you're some one else entirely. otherwise this is it. your life.(ie. my life). spice some? you cant you know. i know. i know. but urghhhh why?! its too blah. and it doesn't mean anything so why does it mean so much. why would it mean so much to me. whyyy missy whyy?! rare magical moments swirling in my head enjoyed by myself alone. i'm fine with that. sometimes. sometimes i want more. sometimes i want everything. but well what can you do about that. cheesy movie lines spinning in my head. so not me. then again... sometimes ....maybe they belong with the lighterbrighter side. the one that they thought i didnt have. i feel like im at the edge of an axis spinningspinningspinning so fast that i cant tell which side of light or dark i am and if i pause to catch my breath or find my feet i will most likely fly off the daymn thing shooting into the wide blank spaces between nothingness and everything.
maybe im already there.
my lists keep growinggrowinggrowing. and i dont see myself moving. my brain feverish with activity runs around all over the place skipping even sometimes and then i look down and see. my body stiff. legs still. unmoving. whattheFfuck. how the fuck can i be tired already. sily silly me. theres so much more. so so much.
urghhh i get so bored. i drift in and out of your stories often and you know i do it youre fine with it ..you still go on and on and on... what is that all about?! shutupshutupshutup please shutthefuckup! I need to find something to hook me. interest-me conversations. somewhere that i can stay and get that which give me my thrills/kicks/fix. (should go pray.... find out where they pray in places like these)
and then theres all that other crap. dealing with people. why why why must we. as if its not enough I have to deal with my own shit. now all of yours as well. how the fuck should I know how far to push you and when to let you be. now if you all came with inbuilt remotes so that i could control your settings now that would be a different story all together *sits back and smiles lost in the wondrous prospects of such idea* ....

she talks to angels

She never mentions the word addiction
In certain company
Yes, she'll tell you she's an orphan
After you meet her family

She paints her eyes as black as night now
She pulls those shades down tight
She gives a smile when the pain comes
The pain gonna' make everything alright
Says she talks to angels
They call her out by her name

Oh yeah, she talks to angels
Says they call her out by her name
She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket
She wears a cross around her neck
Yes the hair is from a little boy
And the cross from someone she has not met
Not yet

Says she talks to angels
They call her out by her name
Oh yeah, she talks to angels
Says they call her out by her name

She don't know no lovers
None that I've ever seen
And to her that means nothing
But to me it means, means everything

-- Black Crowes

===================================================================

Eisoptrophobia- Fear of mirrors or of seeing oneself in a mirror
Eleutherophobia- Fear of freedom.
Enosiophobia or Enissophobia- Fear of having committed an unpardonable sin or of criticism.
Eosophobia- Fear of dawn or daylight.
Epistemophobia- Fear of knowledge.
Ergasiophobia- 1) Fear of work or functioning. 2) Surgeon's fear of operating.
Erotophobia- Fear of sexual love or sexual questions.

at a point

There has to be some point where you wait. You wait for life to change. For things to start happening. For someone to understand. You walk up that line up to that point. And at that point you stop. And you wait. And after a few blissful days or maybe years you realize that you will spend the rest of your life standing here at this point. Waiting. (waiting for godot?) And unless you move now and move fast this point could be it for you. The sum of everything. This wait. Your life.
But then sometimes you've just been standing still for so long that even the idea of moving can be fucking paralyzing. then what? You spend a few seconds or maybe months trembling in fear. And then (hopefully) you muster up all the courage all the strength all the "caches of self adoration" youve been saving up for so long. And you move. If for nothing else for the fear that if you don’t take that step that point that youve been holding on for it mightn't be able to contain you any longer and you might spill over onto the pavement and get washed away with yesterday's grime...

===================================================================

Decidophobia- Fear of making decisions.
Dementophobia- Fear of insanity.
Demonophobia or Daemonophobia- Fear of demons.
Dikephobia- Fear of justice.
Doxophobia- Fear of expressing opinions or of receiving praise.
Dysmorphophobia- Fear of deformity.

i woke up today. rushed. missed my morning run. fuck. felt like i had been interrupted. stumped. right in the middle of something. could have been important. now ill never know.
the lady next to me just offered me chocolate. (she brings extra lunch everyday for me. sweet.) i think theyv gone bad though... doesnt taste like kisses (but then nothing does anymore but thats another story) ...o0h gone really really bad. .. crap.
tired still. coffeeless. im such a grogged up bitch. antisocial. disassociated. its just too early in the morning for the colosal effort of being nicer then i haveto haveto. its the weekend and im tired at the thought that it starts all over again in only a day. sigh. its the thought of the processes that i have to go through that holds me back. it takes so long. everything.
cheeks chubby cheeks. fun to pinch. with bigger chubs then the pregs around. groan groan groggity groan. what a drag i am what a bore. with no time to breathe. the lists i made. left. the movies bought untouched. the two books trying to be read at once. ignored. alone. left to a side on my table beside the lamp. untouched. one on page 26 the other 203 maybe. missing. (maybe ill buy some more fun ones) missing in action. missing the bumming. missing missing missing the you! how the fuck is this going to happen? this for so long! fuck ufkc fuck. i know i know its me. i know. what can i do. i have to. urgh. fuckfrustrationfuck/ i miss you daymnit. this sucks. choke*croak*. i have nothing more. not to say. not much to do. talked to you. happier now. just a little. hmmmm you so.


===================================================================
Cacophobia- Fear of ugliness.
Caligynephobia- Fear of beautiful women.
Cathisophobia- Fear of sitting.
Chiraptophobia- Fear of being touched.
Chorophobia- Fear of dancing.
Chromophobia or Chromatophobia- Fear of colors.
Chronophobia- Fear of time

hey theyr playing shaggy - 'it wasnt me' hearing it after ages and ages ... heheh our song sweetie ;) ...one of our many firsts ,..... you know it was .. deny it as much as you like!! awwww how romantic! hehhe ....yea baby yeaa...

still not used to this whole getting up in the morn thing ... it doesnt matter if i get 4 hours of sleep or 9 .. its still just a painful process!!!! and the fact that theres no coffee today and i had to have .... (brace yourselves) ...~ TEA ~ *yuck*gluk*groan* .... (*scrunches up nose in expression of gandaness*)

hmmmm not much to do ...i think this extended period of nothingness has stunted my brain .,... so0o not in the mood for wrk!
wrk bad ..internet good! ... good grief im losting it! losted losted losted
shitt andddd wrks calls ...knew it was inevitable
sigh*


===================================================================
Anablephobia- Fear of looking up.
Atelophobia- Fear of imperfection
Aulophobia- Fear of flutes.
Anthrophobia or Anthophobia- Fear of flowers.
Autophobia- Fear of being alone or of oneself.
Bibliophobia- Fear of books

paint me from a memory

paint me from a memory
of my toes skimming salt waters
of stars when there were stars allowed
to come out at night and play

piece my skin together
from the fragments i let you touch
when i sat across the room from you
and allowed you to look

splatter me with colour
harsh stark like neon lights
one for each way your mind bent
as i wrote the words you flung my way
into those i consider mine

============================




i miss you wrapping your two fingers around my one
(fourth from the right) like you do ... kissing me sleepyly behind my ear.
........
this fucking sucks.
i miss you! i hate you. i cant stand you. i ABHOR you. :(

stutter mutter

she sits up and reads...straightening her back every so often conscious of her curving spine bad for her. soaking in the words spilt by someone she almost knew.... she rushes through paragraphs grabbing meaningslinescoloursfeelings along the way. pixie-like in the big chair engulfing her. a fish swims past swish swish. she lissens to the rhythms.notes rising and falling....picks at the thick baseline and softly sways to it inside her head (because anything else would be unprofessional). she imagines swinging her hips tapping her feet dipping her waist and sits with a halfsmile on the inside. i spy on her from the corner of my left eye. watch the slightest of her movements and feel her swirling thoughts manifest themselves in misty eyes...bluegray... i couldnt have been further from her and yet somehow it fell within the realm of all that i could ever have claimed as my own.

=================

that songs starts up again ... listen to the words flying from one end to the next ... directed towards you or was it me? .... i cant remember. . no. thats a lie. i do remember. i remember it better then most .. maybe because of the shiny newness of the memory. forever distracted by the shiny and new. what more is there. ..
- interrupted -
for what. something small ...i am disturbed by the smallness of it all... distressed at the invisibility (due to mist, fog and other factors) of the potential smallness of that something big i see myself chasing. circle the point till it gets smaller and smaller still. but if that bothers me why let it breathe. smother it before it suffocates me. but i wont. simply because i dont know any better. if i did .. well things would be a little different wouldnt they.
-coming back to that-
the guilt still sits there .... a thick layer. fat. smoggy ..clouding over any peace ...pieces of something that could be/should be innocent. simple. just that what they are. as far as they can be. And i dont know how to ask. ( is it over? ) if it were i would sigh content and smile. i pray for it three times a day when i can. when there arnt other louder things screaming to be heard. no relief from the screams muffled though they may be at insignificant times of the day or night.
-washed up i am-
and i think its piling up. ...not that i can feel it. (not that i ever do before the fact) not untill it reaches the roof and starts pouring out through the windows onto the streets. on to you. im sorry i do that. i shouldnt its not fair. but then thats what i have you around for isnt it *smirk*. couldnt be further from what you keep me around for isnt it. what a nice mess of clashing expectations the two of us make. where will it take us. or the hackneyed expression of all time "what will become of us".. (tera kiya ho ga kaalia :P). more then a day and a half and you start aching as do i..... those 7 minutes of that voice across those oceans is what we're surviving on and what we need. to let you sleep and let me get up and start my day (or the other way round if time allows it). i hope it gets us through what we have to .....in order for you to become you and for me to come into myself.. ... yes im still going to collect those drops of jupiter .. (even though i know that heaven is overrated) .... hmmmmmmm

snap
snip
a slit
to widen
your pretty
smile
those fine pink lips

drop
drip
(crystals)
clear
dilute
the red
that saltier still

push a blade
down the tips of the fingers that
slide
the hair from your face
just so

carve with great care
"bitch"
across porcelain-like breasts tender
and firm

i need to ramble. i need someone to ramble to. the only prob is that on picking up the phone or writing an email i find i dont really have much to say. i dont really like talking about it (there isnt much to say anyway) and i dont find myself too good at talking abt (ie. distracting myself with) other things.
urghhh even this seems fucking inane ... just dont know what to do w/myself ......

stomach curls up at the thought of what the next day(s) might bring. spent the last few weeks waiting for it. maybe i should step up before things get out of hand. but im scared. scared of how out of hand things got the last time i thought that. maybe it'll get fixed on it own (....regardless of how hard i try i cant even convince myself of that...)

....im praying. (anything else i try to do always screws up). and i think the praying is helping. and im thankful. so so thankful.

1 day.
just let it go by like the days have so far.

just fix it.
please.

curled up in bed
scared
still
of the voices
loud
of the monsters
at her door

she lies
still
squeezing her eyes
shut
willing away
the darkness
all
around

a lullabye
soft
she hums
to herself
to try to bring back
fairies
small
and the sweet
pink smell
of
damp
green grass

2:46 am

why do all the stories of all those who have passed on start and end with how good, how smart, how friendly the person was? ....... and what about the ones that wernt all that? werent any of that? ....to talk of them are words then fabricated or are the stories bent to fit the occasion. most people you meet cant string together more then a few good sentences about the living then where do these pages and pages of the goodness of the dead pour out from? and more importantly why now? now that these/your words bear no meaning on the person being talked about.
it bothers me sometimes that we each and every person who is told a story repeats it in an attempt to what? celebrate that persons life? and yet its done on the conditions, terms, words, adjectives that are predetermined standards for such things. ... generic almost. Rather then on the terms of the person who lived that life you now enjoy reminising so often at so many gathering ..................................

..........like the heart rendering tale of one of the (many) little boys who died in the earthquake, who was so intelligent and so popular, who hadn't wanted to go to school that day, who had to be cajoled into going by his mother concerned about regular school attendance. And who's friends when he died that day put up a marker and carved messages near his grave because they loved him so and were going to miss him so so much.
it does. it breaks my heart. but for some reason i kept thinking about the other boy(s), the quiet one, who also sat somewhere in that classroom, who was just about average at everything...not that bright, who didn't have an interesting story to accompany his death and who will also be missed but just not as much....

5:35 am

cranky mutterings ...

he wasnt what i had expected him to be. I guess i had known he wouldnt be but still i was a little surprised. ive been surprised before... and thats still being strung along. guess you can never tell with these things. or rather i cant tell. i can never tell. you'd think i'd be good at these things. you'd think. but yeaa. fuck. thats what i know. fuckall.
and here i am still rolling around in the puddle of indecision all over again. i dont think i'll ever really come out of it. maybe just few breaks take out a little time to get some sun but thats about it.
my heads all stuffed up .... from the nazla and the crankiness that comes with it. everythings just so................................................. so.
heh there nothing new there. nothing to say. its all the same shit rehashed over and over again that now even im bored of it. me with the issues. with the incessesant need to arrive at some form of conclusion. balance things out somehow. fuck. fuck fuck fuck.
theres more. (with me there always is) but fuck it.
whats the point of spewing if i haveto do it all the while looking over my shoulder and then writing writing writing and then deleting ... you know just incase.
fuck this fuck him fuck them fuck you. fuck the disclaimer.
(disclaimer: its the nazla and crankiness)



ps. why dont you just yank out that rod jammed up your ass!! please! trust me it will do you wonders!!

THIS IS IMPORTANT

Dawn's news report and the Daily Times report on the earthquake - the worst is NOT over, PLEASE KEEP DONATING!!!

the perils of being a photofreak

how am i so easily convinced of my own gorgeousness and voluptousness that it takes a bucketload of pics thrown at me all together to make me come to terms with the actual FAT facts ....
*groooaaaannn*
*groaaaann*
*groan*

i want to put my arms around you
and squeeze you tight
i want to kiss the side of your head
and smooth your hair

and i want to be able to tell you that you are safe and everything will be alright.....

=========================================================

within
the darkest of your shadows

know

you are not alone

for it is
in those spaces
that
you will find

a part of me
always
looking out for you

(25.10.05/4:34am)

I lay. flat. on my back, underneath a swirl of vapours and stars, encircled by rocks. I dug my toes deep into the sand and let the redgolden lights of the horizon, the fishermens’ boats, the balmy breeze and the crashing waves wash over me. I breathed it all in and let thye sand get everywhere. I even saw a shooting star.

everything

Everything….
somehow… somewhere…in all of this i lost the words. or maybe they lost me. “teeter between tired really really tired” it just seems too much much too much. and/but then you glance at the mirror over your shoulder and its all too little.
Insignificant Significant
i feel like i’m lying an inch under the surface. in a cavity that’s greybrowngrey. Guilty when I smile. Guiltier when I laugh. Guiltiest when I’m light at heart. Guilty of not suffering along with guilty of forgetfulness guilty of wishing a cloud of smoke to envelope it all…. disappear. today not the sky’s blue not the sunflowers not the venus star. none makes it alright. worth it after all. but then maybe that’s just today.
done with rolling off my back they mount. weigh me down.they cover the holes that I had cut out to breathe through. they come at me. the stories…
of…. helplessness psychosis. molestation. jealousy. loneliness. depression. anxiety. cancer. brain tumor. pregnancy. abortion. rage. suffocation. amputation without anesthesia. devastation. murder. rape. schizophrenia. hunger. rubble. heart attack. bribery. harassment. epilepsy. rage. death. assault and battery. arthritis. gun shots. loss upon loss. multiple sclerosis. paranoia. hysteria. the Complete and utter Helplessness…..

we build bubbles you and i. only to watch each one burst. one after the other. we watch helplessly as the security blankets once knit so lovingly are wrenched out of our fingers. come undone. and the thing is im scared……

……. will I be able to?

(22.10.05/12:32pm)

this is it … the end … end of the innocence …. End of everything ….Sane. everything will be downhill from this point on. or maybe it always was and we were just too busy looking up to realize. but now. Now we have no where else to look … now that all of what we once looked up to is now rubble at our feet. Now what. What other then look down. down at the long long road ahead.
So much changes in …. sometimes in the years that lead up to those moments where it all finally breaks down… and sometimes those moments where everything just slips away.

sigh* …….. fuck such a long way to go…. if only we had a clue abt where it is we're headed.
…and if we can really hack it.

.

Donate to Pakistan's Earthquake Relief Fund

In response to the devastating earthquake in South Asia I urge anyone who can to kindly donate money, supplies, and/or their time towards the relief efforts. A sustained and concerted effort is required to help rehabilitate the regions and people worst affected by this unfortunate disaster. Please give generously!! Every little bit helps!

=============================================================
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Account Title MKRF - Pakistan Earthquake Relief FundBank Name United Bank LimitedAccount No. 0102598-5
Branch Code 1234
Branch Name Al-Rehman Branch
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- Khawaja Gareeb Nawaz Trust Account # 010-4843-0 United Bank Limited (advertised on Ary Digital)

- Help Pakistan

-All Mobilink and Ufone users - SMS the word Donate to 436. Rs.3 will be deducted from your balance and given towards the relief fund.

- Sergi organization.their tent is in front of Lal QILA

- Bilal Masjid, New Garden Town, Lahore, is collecting monetray and/or Material donations.
===================================================================
Donations may also be made through major Humanitarian and Charitable organizations

Edhi Foundation
Karachi - 021-2201261
Lahore - 042 - 5414211
Islamabad - 051 - 2827844
Multan - 061 - 4583906 / 4549938
Quetta - 081 - 2830832 / 2830861

Fatamid Foundation
Dr. Sagher - 021-2225285 / 0300 - 9210647

Ansar Burney Welfare Trust
Sarim Burney - 0300 - 8243459 / 0301 - 8243459

Rotaract Club 3270
Lahore:Natash Ali Mian - 0300 - 9464209 Farooq Abdul Qadir - 0333 - 4227114
Karachi: Ali Hafeez - 0333 - 2298048

National Academy of Youth Trust
Mrs. Samina - 0333 - 3114726

Khidmat - e - Khalq Foundation
Karachi - 021 - 6328464

Al Khidmat Foundation
Lahore - 042 - 5433038
Islamabad - 051 - 2277343 / 2877933

The SOS Children�s Villages of Pakistan
Islamabad - 051-2201125
Lahore - 042-5866546

Unicef
International Red Cross
Mensa Pakistan Disaster Relief Fund
Islamic Circle of North America (ICNA)
SA Tribune: Sending donations if you live abroad
Lahore University of Management Sciences' Charity Drive


AMAL is trying to link up with two NGOs, Islamic Relief and Sungi working in Azad Jammu Kashmir and Abbottabad. The drop-off point for donations is the AMAL office located at #7, St. 62, G-6/4, Islamabad. In case of questions you can contact Nighat Rizvi on (+92) 0300 5003175, Imran Rizvi on (+92) 0300 8551208 and Mehrunnisa Yusuf on (+92) 0300 5002657. Please donate the following items* Clothes, shoes
* Dry food items such as lentils, sugar, [powdered] milk etc
* Basic medicines and medical supplies�
* Blankets and pillows
* TentsNO PERISHABLE ITEMS and NO MONETARY CONTRIBUTIONS


The Karachi Metblog, Lahore Metblog, Madadkaro.org and Pakistan Earthquake 2005 are posting news updates and details of charity drives constantly.

little fat balls
between
the spaces and time
that we rolled around in
that we let bounce along
split them

open

semicircles
half hemispheres

take a peek
can i just a look let me see
while you
run along the side of it
your legs long
mean

and shrug mean
making a muck of
that
look
the one that bore through
tore
the spaces in between

that time

(06/10/05 - 10:30am)

"He wanted to think that he was paralyzed. He knew that he was violently alive, that he was forcing the stupor into his muscles and into his mind, because he wished to escape the responsibility of consciousness."

-- Ayn Rand 'The Fountainhead'

(half way through the bk and quite engrossed :P ... quite the intense)

do you

 

Stop?

            everything.

 

when you walk

 

    straight

 concentrate

 

those narrow lanes

dont you stray

one foot

behind the other

 

Oh brother. what a Bother

&

              yet

 

trudge along

it Must be Done

 

one foot and then the other 

 

traces of steel on my tongue.. what is that taste... my internet doesnt like or blogger.... or it does and it just doesnt like my blogging ... either way i cant comment or post ... it just keeps taking my posts and greedily piling them up unwilling to share... theyr really not all that ... hahah maybe thats what it is .....

hmmmmm .... bzzzzttt ....

so0o iv given in.... im usually so good about it. better then most... i used to pride myself on it... and here i am at 9:39 pm having insolently slept the day away ... and im still not done yet ... this is just a food break .. heheh why does sleeping become such a force here ... i love it! ...

urghhh im GROGGYYY ...urghhh grughhh blarghhh .... frowning groggmuchness ... i hope they dont try to make conversation ... though im sure they will ... family .... the father and daughter came in to chek up on me ... they stood together and looked down at me bundled up in a jumble of blankets... "look at that big frown" "shes so0o cuteee" and a big kisss ... i frowned on and mumbled an incoherent grumble while they stood smiling over me......i heart family :)

nights are still a violent shock of dreams... and even though i wake up not remebering a single one i know these nights have been busy ones... i think iv involuntarily become a dream whore ... a name a thing a subject has barely to be mentioned and i end up dreaming about it .... my dreams unnerve me sometimes ... sometimes ...i dont know .... how far should you follow dreams? ... how far do they follow you? ....

God this has to stop ..."this has got to stop" .... really now someone has to give me job so i can get on with it and not be blogging random randomness at 5:21 in the am ... 'really now young lady this isnt becoming' ... hehe (im making it up as i go along)...somehow bumness here is completely inappropriate ... a little unbearable even ... and yet i can feel myself slipping into it slowly sneakily ...no! daymnit! stop it! now!

hmmmm maybe ill go watch a film now ... maybe bunty aur babliii .... finally ....

change these fairytales
that we chase after so
building blocks
come crashing down

and we build our castles up high in wavy skies
step through those tall doors and
fall
through
down
a thousand feet & four in the breath of sigh
 
======================================================

sorry girl
doesn�t work that way
i know its what they fed you 
but the lullabies were just words strung up on a tune
so go
smoke a cigarette or those blues away
fix up your hair and
the broken smile lying across that room

======================================================

~
watch them chase their happilyeverafters that they think they�re so owed

clouds at night .... a multitude of stars in the sky .... and a little version of me talking about how she thinks the sky is the coolest thing ever..she used to think that clouds were till she realized that they were a part of the sky .... :)))

I should have cried when she told me she was empty. Instead I put a finger in each ear and sang baa baa black sheep in my head.

fingers

fidget

 

wait-in-line

 

standing by for coffee or tea

 

lipstick

marks

on

the

mug/

mug rings on tables of glass

 

tongue licking off

the liquid

(excess)

 

from the

corners

 

ofyourmouth

 

and a stain

 

ofme

 

smudged across

the dirty plate of your memories

6:55 am. the early morning train out of montreal. not a patch of sky to be seen. all clouds. only clouds. it rained last night and all of a sudden somewhere between last minute packing and a cold-as-death shower its winter. 4 years zip by. just like that. switch lives. now. fuck i could use more time ...i know i know i want it all. everything.
i hate leaving. leaving anywhere. as you know. when im having too much fun ;). but yea i hate leaving. somehow i still havnt wrapped my head around the fact that im going. gone. i keep feeling like ill be back soon. how can i not... we all made breakfast plans after the sad goodbyes. i think we all knew it wouldnt happen but it was better then just leaving it at bye then.
i hate leaving.
but then well what more can i do other then carry the zombies the roomies the nerdies the crazies the bumming bumies and all the mtlingers in a big fat bubble and just keep it spinning ....
---------------------------------------------

 

-------------

-And Again-

-------------

 

Once again over the highway.
Over.

You'd think I'd be used to it by now. The glassy surface of the streets. The glow of yellow headlights in whitish grey mists.
There is a fat heavy sadness. Even more so then the first time. (Injury times over) it just sits there. Heavy. Fat.
(everything comes full circle) sometimes
 
the cab ride into the city was most exhilarating. I had no idea where I was living who I'd be staying with or what was in store for me. and yet I was thrilled excited ecstatic. I had left khi in a puddle of hugs and tears. Left for an unfamiliar life in an unfamiliar city. One where everything was strange. Everyone a stranger. Everyone excpt you. I don't think it would have been the same without you. my montreal was you.

And now
everything been flipped around and here I am heading back to the start. Back to everything iv known since I took my first breath and it just isn�t the same. Not with you.  
 
You feel secure in places you know. places you're comfortable with. Familiar. Adjusting has never been your thing. And here I am on my way back to everything old that doesn�t get more familiar then this and only now am I getting a slight sense of that deep dark disgusting feeling you tried to explain to a still half asleep me at 5 in the morning on that street before it became yours. Fuck. I can't believe now. here. 15 mins away from boarding the airplane I cant get away from the unshakable waves of panic and fear in the pit of my stomach. Im never like this. Not me. I�m always excited about going back. Going anywhere. Fuck. I guess the thing is that you fear the unknown whereas I welcome it. Welcome it for everything brilliant that it could bring. All those endless possibilities. (I heart possibilities) All that openness. Thing here is there really isn�t that much openness now. Not much room for endlessness. It is what it is. And I chose it so I should be fine with it. I should.

I will be.
I know I will � but its that with everything I can see coming my way the biggest and foremost are the worst of them. those. My fears. My deepest darkest that I would so much rather go through life without. Bury my head in the sand if I could. That I now have to confront. (its about time I know) but see life is just so much easier when you can postpone the unpleasant. "put it on a nice to-do list". But fuck� guess I cant do that forever can I�.. .

Seriously though its all I can do right now to stop my self from jumping another daymn bus right back to you.

Fuck I miss you.   

10:35 am .... waking up drunk is .......yea ... i thought i'd cry last night .... dont think i did...not more then a tear anyway ... but my heart did swell up more then a few times ...you know how it does with sadness so0o that just when it cant swell the sadness pours out in tears .... swelling feeling again ... not for the reasons i thought i would though! ... fuck me for getting up and reading that...and fuck u for writing that so early in the daymn morning ....urgh why do you have to be so you!! as if i didnt know already... i dont fucking know .....

God ...alone at 10 am ...unable to sleep ...listening to untouochable face .... still drunk from last night ...im definatly going to cry now!...

"you look like a photograph of yourself taken from far far away....i wont know what to do i wont know what to say"

and if we change ...change beyond repair .... things are never the same ....not for more then point 6 seconds anyway...after that ...i dont know ...how do you stop it going down hill from there?
fuck the music keeps changing ...its so fucking loud...so jarring and it takes me a while to find the controls.... too fucking early for this music...

...too fucking early...

============
========

-
this is about me .... me with the stale smoky smell of last night in my hair and smudges of mascara under my eyes.... i need to sort this out. its not about anyone else. its me.
...inklings of certain realizations and a hangover now .....

though i have to say ...the best part of these realizations is watching them crash and burn on human contact...
fucksonofabitch ...heh...

i like the rain….. it poured all through last night…. still is..

i like the way it comes down so brazenly ....soaking everything that comes in its way ... unabashedly it colors everything in its own … every drop set to speak its mind and flood the night with its own feeling ….

some nights i wish i could flow like the rain

i lay in bed half awake ...till every drop of sleep had been muscled out of there...got out of bed because i wanted to now.
another day ..(so close to the last few) ..
...the haze of the past few days seems to have lifted (a bit) .. getting out of that funk i hope
trying to will myself to at least
God
i can be such a fucking retard sometimes .... i still am.
seriously sometimes i dont know what do w/ myself. i can see the road im heading down and i really dont want to go there.
how do i pull the brakes?
how do i change?

and the thing is i can see how stupid im being about this. (though am i) but i cant help it. my whole being gets warped around something and after that theres nothing else. silly imature hysterical silly silly dont want to be....
this is it
near the end .... and i dont want it to be like this..not now. i really dont ...
fuck im so0o0o childish -snap out of it! now!

seriously when the fuck will i grow up?? give it up
theyr right! i need to get over this shit and just face up to life now! stop feeling like

no but seriously God why this?!? of all the things ... this!! what do i do w/ this?? where do i put it?? ... does it matter ...will it matter ?? and if it does then what ..fuck everything else because of it ....? oh God! im so0o sick of it now!
i need a personality overhaul! now! someone anyone get to it please!!!!

...."and all the lights that lead us there are blinding"

bickering.67 voices. inside

my head. outside. ugly me. you. your pieces here and there. remains from that wreck earlier that day.

 

im concentrating now on the soles of my feet. i really would much rather look elsewhere. the harder i scratch the surface the deeper it burns. burns inside but somehow that feels right.

 

i need a smoke

right abt now. cant. unsympathetic faces outside. inside. you asleep me wide eyed staring into dark walls surround me closing in sometimes i sit 

in hollow space

space

seperates 

me. from them. everyone. everyones alone. i am you are. 

 

he had an attack while sleeping in an airport. woke up in the ambulance. he lives alone. 

 

he lives alone thats the scary part

but what abt him? what if something's wrong? really wrong?

well abhi we dont know naa..but if he has another one when he's home alone... thats whats scary 

 

we're all alone

 

what we care about. what effects me now is only me and mine. thats scary. sad somehow

but the what else

 

would i should i. yes i should. but i wont. fuck. 

 

i cant read over what i write. disconnected pieces of my mind for now

w/ 2 lumps of sugar? 

yes please. 

 

fuck

this is so f-ed up

seriously. you know that story about that little ant. the one that never gave up. well what if she had just kept trying and trying and trying to climb that wall and had just never succeeded  and the actual big lesson was move on you dumfuk its not meant to happen. never was. whos to say ... anyway. that was a story. keep pushing keep on pushing ...isnt that how that ditty goes.

fuck those people whov moved mountains!! a big fuck you to you all!!!

 

can someone please. for-the-love-of-God throw me down a boulder if you can w/ some fucking directions. fuck

i sound like a broken record.

i hate that.

 

i hope its a fucking anvil that comes my way.

unattractive cunt

 

gasp. she didnt really say that did she. well fuck you.

 

so go.

 

im curled up now in a ball falling fast and i want to screm spew my frustrated spitballs in your direction. anyone really will do for now.

but you see i cant. im tied down bound up all fucking fucked up

fucking unpretty

inside

outside

 

12.09.05

sometimes in the a.m.

b/w tears fear & nightmares

too smily too bossy too aunty too girly

too chubby too cutesy too toothy too boring

too unattractive too feministy too spotty too chinky

too angry too golu too fat too fucking fat

too used to too wavy too wonky too much tummy

too loud too silly too nagging too stubborn

much too much

never fucking enough

 

 

i left today. its not the first time. and i will be coming back. But the next time i leave i wont. not for a very very long time at least. too long.

 

As the bus took the highway out of the city it poured. the rain drenched everything. everything got wet. my eyes included.

 

"the rain stains the streets a darker black"

 

this city this montreal that i love gazing at from these highways (i heart highways) isnt my mtl. mine is on the other side of road. but still. mtl. with its old buildings . its quaintness. its green rooftops and circular domelike tops of churches. once bronze maybe copper. now green. brilliant (im)perfect unreal green. (i remember a picture i took in my first year. it was so unusual to me. so beautiful. still is)

 

the city looks different today. wet. darker. A heavy mist rests on houses . grey. it makes everything seem closer somehow (if only because all that is in the distance is little more then a haze today) the shapes quickly fade into the background. and the background; the sky. a light. grey so light its almost white a great grand plain plane. i think im relieved the city im leaving today isnt the same sunny city of this summer. i think that would have made it worse. it would remind me of what i soon wont be returning to.

yes. this weather is perfect for today. 

 

Soon all this will be covered in white. and in cold. and the great expanse of greyish white will take on a pink maybe purple hue. some nights it will be orange. i'll miss the flurries.

 

08.09.05

12:03pm

 

its wierd ... writing w/o reading or even being able to look over mine comments or anything.... being internet-less xcpt for in spurts ... urgh annoying disconnectedness

(CONT'D...)

fuck. mind numbing beats one after the other. spending 3 mins 49 secs waiting for the lyric. sorry the one lyric. one word. maybe 3 if youre lucky. so not in the mood. for this music. right now. Def the wrong mood, see now i had found a comfortable zone in this place/place in this zone. and hes fucked it up. put a giantannoyingasfuck crack in it. why is it so difficult to relate to the people youre related to? i think calvin said that. smart kid that calvin. smart wrd/thought bubbles. him and hobbes too. i want to be hobbes. i could be hobbes. i am the hobbes. bow down now. humans! ~ yerrghhh* (making classic hobbes grossed out face)

so the music lets up you think its ebbing away. excites your imagines into believing in the possibilities now of better music. more apt. infinite possibilities. which one would you choose...

but.

just then it sweels and rises again. fuck. a zombie chopping up chicken in the kitchen lets out a woohoo of appreciation. no. back to the ugly zone. Canl someone change the GOD-DAMN music please? Can anyone even hear me? Do i even exist? ... would it matter if i didnt? really. would it? to a few i guess but for the most .... prob wouldnt make much of a difference either way...some days that bothers me ...luckily. most days it doesnt.

that there are more and more people i keep adding to my do-not-like list as the years pass bothers me. that my fondness/lurrves for a lot of them is constantly at odds w/ what i think of them as people ... then agains whos to say. everyone gets by. if i am still questioning my own decesions ....then well ....what then. my selfish maynot be your selfish but i still indulge in mine you in yours. i can justify it from my end ofcourse but can you justify me from yours? why would ... would they? but would they justify me from theirs. maybe maybe not. i dont know. if i would myself. crystal clear intentions aside. conflicting arguements apart. i still dont ... . im not ok with what it this will mean on/from the outside. fuck.

how do people stay like this. write. rewrite. think. overthink. entangled in webs of guilt indecision stasis failure fear spirally downwards... if i spent anymore time here i would suffocate in a matter of minutes. submerged. unable to control the levels dangerously rising.

"and in this moment i am happy"

Thank You God.

i worry for those that cant push thier way up.out. i wish i could reach in and pull them out. forever.

i cant.

its not my place. i stand on the sidelines and watch. sort of like when youre watching a horror film and you know the monsteris in the room and you want to stop her from going inside but you cant and she does and gets her flesh... ok when i started i thought this would be a kinda funny sorta analagy ..but umm ...not so much ... yea

fuck.

i love that word. so much in just one word. fuck. everyone says i swear too much. well i do. i know. ill stop soon i guess.... when i go back and change into that shy demure quieter version of my former self. Fuck! Fuck That! i dont care what you say/think whatever. i just hope i never turn the volume down (as many of my frnds would love for me to do). Ever. so there

01.09.05
10:26pm

(I LIKE MY HANDWRITING AND THE FLOW OF THIS PEN)

soft slow sweet notes rising and falling settle gently on the thick air filling this dark corner. seperate.apart. nestling this furry bundle of secrets.

i guess this hole can be good for somethings sometimes. ... the stale smell of old cigarette butts clogs my nostrils. urgh. move the ashtray. if only at an arms length . heh. arms lengthe distance.. hehe...

introspective. now. perhaps. give. what do i give? do i give? caught up rolled wrapped up in my own. what have i done?

fucking dick

asshole

what a bitch! .......................?

yea i can see that. its not settling for. not giving in. not even compromising. its growing up. realizing. he good to/for me. be goor for/to him.

you think that people would have enough of silly love songs

i look around me and i see it isnt so

love makes us sad/glad we are fools (heh.)

~

~ Freeze framed. beauty captured/capture beauty. snap. pictures freeze moments. memories. constructed then to fit the 4 by 6/ 5 by 7. all smiles. now. say cheese. please.

... cont'd...

even though i'v come to expct it ...i SHOULD expct it (by now)... the ability of people to be such UTTER DICKS is just..fuckk.... i dunoo i just dont fucking get it !!  
..... i REALLY need to stop letting them get to me....