how vital are words? said aloud. how significant are those left unsaid.....

travelling now ...working sort of ... feeling disconnected. very. want to write but need the time to chill relax and not be in the business center of a cramped holidayinn next to highways in the middle of texas-nowwhere. hmmmm maybe that might help. feeling good these days kind of. im still confused still scared. most of the time. but happy still. have people around to hold on to i guess. have myself.
reading kartography abhi. have much to say about it. i guess i'll know what exactly once im done with it. she has a lott of beautiful lines kamila shamsi very relatable. urgh* the desprate needs to crash is hitting me. i lurrrrve hotel beds!! :) theyr the best part of traveling! white cold comfy sheets tucked in so when you go to bed you actually feel all tucked in....
*sigh* :)

double *Sigh* ...i miss home.... miss everyone there... dont know how im going to make the final move....

with a twist of an expression
do i make myself seem
more of myself then i am
does a flick of my wrists
unravel your ease
transparentize
your sense youself


===================



ration out your life
bit by bit
holding on to the good parts
the ones you want to save till the very end
you feel you cant live up to
the claims on your self by the world in which you live.

uptil now a normal life
from this day forth one not yours
give of yourself only that which you feel
you may spare.



===================



is every word that i churn out as spellbinding as it feels when it lets itself out of me. do i let them or do they let me free?

They came together on a beach, on a day when the sun shone through her curls, surrounding her face with a marinda-like glow. The little boy beside her looked out to the sea and saw the giant waves bigger then any he had seen, much bigger then the two of them; him with his beautiful cherubic smile and her with freckles around her nose. He looked at her with his almond eyes, ambitious and thought of a plan. He knew when they had to do. They would build, he thought. He told her "A castle on a cloud! Thats what we should build"
"But castles can't live on clouds" she thought "It would fall right through"
"I'll build the castle, you make the cloud"
"A cloud of sand? How can I make a cloud out of sand?"
"You can do it." He told her. "We'll do it together. It'll work. All you need is faith."

smoke sneaks around
the walls of a room
slips in
between the lines
catching the glances
that linger
then shy away

redhanded

bursts of colour
break up
the
light
words
that given a chance may pass
greater chance however
for them
to
slide
past the nooks of the furniture
nestling
in the dark pockets
safe.
seperate.
from the worlds we inhabit

today

~ scribbled it on the back of a recipt in a room full of people

a day maybe 2 ago

she dug up her insides for all to see. she wished for someone to tell her she was beautiful.

feel like listening to a good song. something amazing. riviting maybe.... something that will make me think. feel. sometimes i think i think too much. think whats the point of thinking.
imagine myself outside myself sitting happy observing doing. will that be me?at some point in time maybe. when i have crawled out of this space. catterpiller morphing into butterfly. and will i be orange pink and red or a deep blue splattered with grey from that day forth? will i outgrow these thoughts soon these compartments that i have created for myself and those around me. will i realize. will i let myself just be.

redid my template finally. all by myself. :D quite the proud of me.....
oh well anything for distractions right now .....

"Sinking, feeling Spin me around again And rub my eyes This can't be happening"
imogen heap

what do you do when you feel like all the odds are against you? what do you do when you want something but after all this you wonder if it was ever meant to be. is there such a thing as meant to be or inversly so not? what if God is sending us flashing neons signs saying "its never going to happen" and we're just not getting it. do you thnk if we carry on this way ....do you think we get points for holding on or are we just fucking kidding ourselves. why cant we get past ourselves? why is it so fucking difficult. just to understand. understand me understand you.im so fucking lost. right here im broken. im cynical. im faithless. i love you but im scared fucking shitless. how can this be happening. how does it always get so fucking twisted? you pick up the phone have it all figured out. you'll say what you have to the other person will understand accept and you'll be fine. but its never fine. nothing is fine.....
i just ...
i dont know ...anything
anymore...




im sorry

my black..

She
cries
dark tears
into the night
Spilling
her
blood
through her eyes
Sitting
in a pool of her essence
her faith
The stench lingers
around
her
sometimes for days
Scrapes off
her
skin
peel by peel
She
lets out
the
spiders
breeding beneath
Inhales more
darkness
seeping
through the cracks
Her
shattered insides
revel
at the wake
A
single
broken
shard
pierces her
within
Spilling
her
tears
through her skin

www.asofterworld.com
*smudge

cont'd.....still spewing

our ability to rehash the same shit over and over again never ceases to amaze me. we cant get over it. just cant. we say we have. sometimes a little more truthfully we say we sill. but we dont. we cant. i keep telling myself we need to grow up. give it time it'll fix. but it doesnt. and suppose we give it time. suppose we do. and others get in the way. then what. if another is more suitable for him makes him more happy or even for me. then what. and do not say: we'll move on-it happens-thats life cuz frankly speaking i dont want that. i want us. now. forever. working. perfectly. not this. not what happened. not 2 months ago. not 2 minutes ago. that i dont want. no. i want us. now. forever.harmonious.together. i wonder if i say it enough times it'll happen. what is this. what the fuck is this. this fucking position we'v been placed in. i know others are in worser postions. i know that. and to that i say what the fuck is that. but rigt now my tears arnt for them in their shit. and i feel guilty for that. but its for us and our piles of fucking crap. if only along with this smoke i could inhale the secret to this life. maybe then id know. how can a person be so fucking naive and cynical at the same time. i am. fuck. how do i forget. forget this. this pain. how can i possibly forget this catastrophicly numbing fucking over falling feeling. and yet i do. everytime im with him. everytime im happy. i forget. so that each time the pain comes anew and with it the memory that i should have had that should have kept me prepared. and thats just fucking great. great fucking preservational instincts i have. great. fuck.


i want to go take a shower and wash this shit off me. everything bad. just keep the good. its just so fucked up. my fucking story. fucking saga. i dont want this shit. why does it keep coming up. why does my crap keep resurfacing. why cant he fucking well deal with it. i do deal with it. i do try. i really tried. i just cant help this. i just cant fucking well help myself can i. fuck. shit. fuck.

fucked my faith. you or I?

how do you breathe onces u widepipes been smashed
how to you get up when youve thrown down your crutchs
how can you survive when your instincts have failed you
again


back to zero. thats where i want to be. dont want to compromise dont want to understand dont want to work it out i just want to be able to breathe. just once and not just for a few minutes with some one cutting off my supply everytime i get comfortable in the air. i keep thinking things will work out. they have to. no they dont. where you are has nothing to do with where you might be. no one knows more about this now especially now. but thats different. that cant be helped. an act of God maybe. this can be fixed. this just needs time. we need to grow up. thats all. understand better. know stuff. what about knowing too much stuff. how does that go away. how do you get that. how does anyone get over that. when youv been blamed for not having faith your entire life and the one thing that you did have faith in crumples before you. you cant turn back time. you cant change feeling. you cant control feelings. what do you. on the other side of the fence. how do you make the hurt go away. what is this love that cant get over insecurity. not his. not hers. and what it turns into is a fucking shit throwing contest. do you ever get over this. do you ever really look back at it one day and it doesnt mean anything. his anger his resentment his broken heart her hurt her shattered faith her broken heart. why do we insist on forcing this. why cant we both step away. it seems so futile this fight. and yet it comes naturally. the insistance on making it works sans the capabilities.

significant much?

insignificance..
its all so fucking insignificant.
your so insignificant.
im so fucking insignificant.
really. WHAT DOES IT MATTER?
what he said she said you did i felt.
really! does it even fucking well matter?
Life changes. Faster then you can say "it hurt" you realize it and you think to yourself "fuck! look at them..look what happened... fuck...all this shit is so INSIGNIFICANT!"
And yet.
Even then we still dont get it.
it happened to them.
It could have happened to you.
it could still happen TO YOU.
And yet we still carry on.

dumb fucks
all of us

what is the point of this exsistence...yes yes i know its an age old question... but honestly...why is this? and why this way?... an endless number of individals strung together dangling from this flimsy thread called life invariably banging into the people on either side ....battle of wits. battle of the sexes. family feuds. No one is ever entirly content with the idea that your life is never just your its to be shared, cut up almost and divided into pieces even; distributed ("This is my Body and This is my Blood"). No one is ever comfortable with that. not even the ones who belive they are ...they just push it to the back of their existance along with the other rusty relics of thier innocence. Is this one of the tests.... to see who will best bend over backwards to accomodate the incessant impositions on them. their ways. their life... or is it to see who cracks first or who cracks the most? Thats one fucked up test. But what i'm not completly sure about is can one ever truely be at peace not just with your self but with the people in your life even the ones you love more then life itself..... Is it possibe for one to exist and allow them the same?


urgh. waking for work in 5 hrs ....more muttering on this laters...

These fragments of words
may someday
tell a story
of that
which was you
and that
will be me
Feeding
off
the seconds that made those hours
we
steal
a few more
to live in these flames
Crash
into
a day where
we
fall
as ash
or
maybe
unscathed

we'll fly

your time in the sun is up

"REMINDER: you have used up the 100 minutes included in your package. Take advantage of our competitive rate for additional airtime"

the shit in my life has officially hit the fan!

and words are just not..
fuck i dunoo if i wish i was in khi or on a different fucking planet right now...

so i thnk one of my frnds has found my blog! which is really really shitty.....not that iv bitched anyone one out or let out any secrets here ... just my own private personal thoughts .... so0o till i know for sure ...heres to the loss of an honest blog ......

"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to"



(if anyone does come across this and knows its me ..... be a frnd and dont read ahead ... not because im hiding anything .... just cuz this is mine and i dont want to share...i shouldnt have to)

the cat's meow

The cats meow
gets louder somehow
each time pink swallows cover the sky
Purple swirls
in the girl's curls turn
an extraordinary turn
each times stars drop by
And I can't belive
when I see leaves
green
burn brilliant
red
in the sun
How I could have seen the rainbow
flipped over
and not realize the days begun

The itch on surface of the flesh penetrates to the bone makes its home ganwing at your everything. The scratch you inflict on unassuming skin picking at the wound hurts a little more

could we be?

In a sea of blankets & pillows
we lie
Submerged
In the comfort of each other
Entwined
fingers, arms & legs
we close in
Each
inhabiting
the space
of the other
we breathe in
the smell of something beautiful
Reach out to feel
its real
Holding on
to the moment
We will it
to last

No one can find the rewind button girl
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe, just breathe....


--anna nalick

today I am

overwhelmed by life. angry with him. insecure about myself. resentful of this. apologetic for being me. bitter at the situation. happy with the weather. indifferent to the shit. confused by decisions. indecisive because of confusion. suffocated by the conditions. Scared Fucking Shitless.

still dont know what it is i need.want.need.

yesterday i cried myself to sleep and then i cried my way through the night. Iv never spent the night crying in my sleep before ... its a daymn fucked up feeling....
doesn't anybody want to take another shot at me?

now where'd I put my anti-aging cream??

what the fuck ... you wake up one moring that lasts a year or so and you say what the fuck ? did i just spend my entire life inside a bubble and now someone walking along has just decided to poke it and burst the daymn thing and now there i am knocked to the floor suddenly a grown up and suddenly i see all this shit i never had to be bothered to see before. All of a sudden i see everyone my friends my family people i'v just met as the actual complex flawed individuals that they have always been....where the hell did all the normal happy people from my past go? Why did I always think I was different? alone even? daymn that was naive of me...and Now i know im not the only fucked up one and for some reason the thought is not really comforting in the least....

He dedicated Drops of Jupiter to me.

She acts like summer and walks like rain

we both laughed as he mouthed the words and and looked straight at me.

Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the milky way to see the lights all faded And that heaven is overrated.

he thinks its so me. so where i am right now. he sang it for me.

Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the milky way And tell me, did venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find?

we laughed some more. i sang along.


And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?