our ability to rehash the same shit over and over again never ceases to amaze me. we cant get over it. just cant. we say we have. sometimes a little more truthfully we say we sill. but we dont. we cant. i keep telling myself we need to grow up. give it time it'll fix. but it doesnt. and suppose we give it time. suppose we do. and others get in the way. then what. if another is more suitable for him makes him more happy or even for me. then what. and do not say: we'll move on-it happens-thats life cuz frankly speaking i dont want that. i want us. now. forever. working. perfectly. not this. not what happened. not 2 months ago. not 2 minutes ago. that i dont want. no. i want us. now. forever.harmonious.together. i wonder if i say it enough times it'll happen. what is this. what the fuck is this. this fucking position we'v been placed in. i know others are in worser postions. i know that. and to that i say what the fuck is that. but rigt now my tears arnt for them in their shit. and i feel guilty for that. but its for us and our piles of fucking crap. if only along with this smoke i could inhale the secret to this life. maybe then id know. how can a person be so fucking naive and cynical at the same time. i am. fuck. how do i forget. forget this. this pain. how can i possibly forget this catastrophicly numbing fucking over falling feeling. and yet i do. everytime im with him. everytime im happy. i forget. so that each time the pain comes anew and with it the memory that i should have had that should have kept me prepared. and thats just fucking great. great fucking preservational instincts i have. great. fuck.
i want to go take a shower and wash this shit off me. everything bad. just keep the good. its just so fucked up. my fucking story. fucking saga. i dont want this shit. why does it keep coming up. why does my crap keep resurfacing. why cant he fucking well deal with it. i do deal with it. i do try. i really tried. i just cant help this. i just cant fucking well help myself can i. fuck. shit. fuck.
2 comments:
Most peopel do get over it, fairly easily. Its just teh idealists amongs us, liek you and i, who can't let go of visions and fantasies. Even though we realize that the world is geared to turn us into cynics, we hold on to our naivette in wanting what we wanted once but couldn't have.
And its okay.
Its perfectly fine.
I like to believe that when the mountains turn to dust, it iwll be those of us who chose to linger on to our stupidity that will find an easier path thru the storm. And even if we don't, i dun giuve a fuck, cuz seriously i choose to be the way i am. Spilt and spent about a love that cudn't last. But i choos eto make it eternal, by my own devotion to it. Yes sometiems it seems futile and arrogant and even down right idiotic. But so be it, no oen is going to tell me what i SHOULD do. I know what I should do, and i'm choosing to do instead what i want to do. And so are you. And you're on teh right path to coming to terms with it all. It hurts like hell, all the way to the grave i imagine. But not all the time. Just when you let it... just when you want it to.
I'm not going to give you advice, cuz you don't need any.
You're just fine, just right. Will move on, when teh time comes to untill then, rock on.
Love teh way you cuss its so refreshing :D
tdh: see i get that top of the wrld feeling from the one thing i cant have ...thus the fucking conundrum .. *sigh* daymn
bkn: hmmm cynics and idealists in one ...a recipe for distaster arnt we!
thnkx for the comment ... you too will be just fine ..just right :)
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